merissanathangerson

Archive for the ‘Drama’ Category

Addicted to A-Holes

In Dating, Drama, Mental Health on February 9, 2010 at 12:00 am

It is time to look elsewhere for the love you used to find in boy-toys. (Photo of Jenny Holzer postcard)

Dear Yenta,

I just graduated college where I had some lovely boyfriends.
After these guys I thought I was over being treated badly by men.

Now, since I’ve graduated, I keep getting into these relationships with
guys that don’t treat well. I keep saying that I want a meaningful
relationship, but I put myself in situations with guys that are only
interested in sex, then end up hurt.

But, those are the only guys I meet!

How do you make meaningful relationships after college?

-Confused Post Grad

Dear CPG,

Honey, you absolutely do not have to date everyone you meet. Oye, just imagine. Meaningful relationships begin with the self. The difference between life in college and life after can be enormous. In college, for some, it is a safe cocoon where people can be trusted and support networks abound. When we feel safe, we tend to make safe choices because we choose out of something beyond need. In those cases, relationships are perks, not crutches.

After college, however, it is like being thrust from a womb. No more emotional umbilical chords, no more unlimited meal plans. Just think about the shit you are faced with: insurance, rent, jobs, strangers, an entire world as your oyster, feeding yourself, clothing yourself, and wandering the terrain of your own mind. That is heavy, and in college so many of those things were tied into a single package. Loans or no loans: getting needs met was a one-time shopping deal.

So, this leaves us at dating. This wild open new post-college world is a dating mecca, for some. But for others, this time outside of the cradle is torture. If life is at all hard, it could fuel your decisions. This means that you are choosing “the ones you meet,” even though they suck, as if having one is a necessity. If the pickings are slim, it is ok to stop harvesting the crop and wait for a better season.

If you are thirsty for sex, invest in a more extensive masturbatory regimen. Check out Toys in Babeland to cultivate a more exciting relationship with your own body to tide you over and keep you from your unhealthy dependence on bad men.

Choosing bad relationships is common, and related to clinging and cleaving to someone in fear and desperation. Ie, if alone, you might have to hear your thoughts, face your heart, deal with your vision of yourself/your career/your future. By seeking the eyes of another, you can easily defer this job to them. They get to love you when you don’t love you.

Too bad that system sucks. When you don’t love you, nine times out of ten, neither will they. Use this time to figure out what hurts that you are letting men walk on you. This bad string of men are simply teaching you about your heart and how to guard it for the knight in shining armor to come. For a gentle way to get to know yourself, your strengths and your demons try The Artist’s Way.

I suggest hunkering down with a good book and some hot cocoa, writing in a journal, making some solid girlfriends and waiting this low season out. Work on your life and loving yourself; this is how meaningful relationships emerge. The ones you meet don’t mean they are the ones you are meant to be with. They are just there, and so are you, too precious to shell out your heart to whichever bozo happens to be waiting on your corner. When you do find a meaningful relationship it will be easy and fueled by mutual admiration, not desperation.

For more dating help, try reading If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl.

Also, re-read: Top 10 Ways to Meet Singles on how to meet better single friends, and, eventually, a better circle of men.

Truckboy Was Crooked

In Dating, Drama, Mental Health, Roommates, Sex on February 7, 2010 at 6:44 pm

Ok! For this one, I deliver first the answer, and then the question.

Answer: Education always comes first and is never selfish. No matter how crooked, long, wide, or weeny your boyfriend’s penis, your education STILL comes first. Let go of any man who abandons you repeatedly, causes extreme and regular crying, and shows little to no signs that he loves you. Be wary of using sex with men like drugs, they will not lead you to personal truth.

To you, my confused young friend, I advise a career in fiction writing and a potential year of celibacy.

An Escalade might be huge, but it won't get you a job or intellectual satisfaction.

Question:

Dear Yenta,

For funnsies I’ll call everyone I’m speaking of by the car they drive

Explorer, my most recent boyfriend, and I started dating about two and a half years ago. At the time I was living in Santa Fe, and he in Albuquerque. After a few months of dating, we decided that I would transfer to UNM and move to ABQ. In January, after I’d moved down there to be closer to him he told me that he was planning to go away for the summer to Mexico and then he wanted to do an internship in Spain for the Fall semester. This absolutely freaked me out. I became very sick in February and Explorer was too busy to take care of me. I wasn’t able to leave the house for I could not stand or walk for 5 days. So one of my roommates friends, Honda, was there to take care of me. Later on Explorer told me that he was definitely going to Mexico for two months and he wasn’t sure that he was committed to the relationship. I decided that I didn’t have to be either.

Come Spring break, I dreamt that I was interested in exploring things with Honda. I sat with those feelings for Honda for another two months before I did anything about it. In May, towards the end of the semester I went to Honda’s apartment and we made out for a long time. The next day I broke up with Explorer. Honda and I saw each other for a couple weeks, and then we broke up too. A month later I got back together with Explorer for a couple weeks before he went on his Mexico trip. It was then obvious that he wasn’t going to Spain anymore. We agreed that it wasn’t appropriate to wait for each other. So we went on our ways. In three months I slept with four guys. I realized after being kinda slutty that I wanted to be in a relationship where the person treated me fairly and wanted a commitment again.

A month after Explorer returned from Mexico we started dating again. We both decided to let our little other fling things subside and we were back into a pretty serious relationship in a matter of weeks. He said to me that he was planning on going to grad school in about a year, at the time it was October. Nothing else seemed to matter, not even that our relationship was on a clock. He moved in with me after he finished his undergrad degree. He started working at a Diner. He was reading a lot, running, biking, and going on backpacking trips with his friends. Meanwhile, I’m doing lots of busy school work. We had the most incredible year together: massages, cooking, watching movies, doing yoga, hanging with friends, loving each other deeply, and bla bla bla.

So a friend of ours, Toyota, short, gay, latino, pretty silly, moved into the apartment next door. Toyota and I became closer very quickly and it probably had something to do with the fact that we’re both Scorpios and love to talk about sex. One day I was upset with Explorer for not wanting to have sex with me very often because he was jerking off too much. Explorer already had a pretty low libido and I over here am a well oiled machine that likes to get it at least every other day if not every day. So I complained to Toyota about this tragedy at the laundromat. I shared with him my many issues with the relationship: he drinks to much, looks at porn & J’s it almost everyday, expects me to bend over backwards; calls it “making plans together”, makes messes all the time, makes fun of me for things that are inappropriate (old men; food), he doesn’t like to talk about anything deep, unavailable to talk about emotional things, and doesn’t like to kiss during sex. However it wasn’t always this way, that’s the hardest thing. He was getting bored of me and it was driving me crazy.

In a nutshell, after sharing all these things with Toyota he tells me that Explorer shared with him that he was planning to move away. I was furious. First of all I knew nothing about it, and as I started talking to more of our friends about it, I realized that I was the ONLY one that didn’t know. I was so embarrassed. I forced him to tell me what was going on. He was planning to move to Lake Tahoe to be a ski instructor for the winter and then wanted to start grad school at the University of Reno in the Spring. I had told him that I wanted to negotiate a way that I could move with him. I offered setting up a National Student Exchange to a city that we could both go to. He didn’t want to, he just wanted to leave. The whole time before he left I was crying all the time, uncontrollably. Obviously, he left. He moved everything out of my apartment back to his parents house. He told me that he wanted me to come visit him during my winter break. I agreed. We agreed that we would try to work out a long distance relationship. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to wait for him for very much time. I knew that I was also too angry with him to wait.

The morning he left, December 7, I waddled my crying self to Toyota’s apartment. He was living there with three guys, one who’s name is Acura. I thought Acura was pretty hot and had thought so since he moved in. That day I also talked to Explorer’s mother. She said that she thought that Explorer was going to come back to me, however she knew that he needed to find whatever he was looking for. It was my finals week. I cried every day for 6-10 hours. My eyes were swollen and I made myself sick as a beast. I wasn’t able to get anything done, and I didn’t do very well on my exams. I was also extremely jealous. He was giving me the vibes that he was looking for someone else to hook up with during his first week there. He basically told me that he wasn’t looking for anyone but if they showed up he wouldn’t say no.

I went back to my old job in Santa Fe during winter break. I was working full time so it helped with all the pain I was enduring. I stayed with my mother in her bed when I stayed in SF. I love my mom, however it is hard to sleep with her, let alone the fact that I was so lonely and wanted my Explorer back.

After ten days I stopped crying as much. I spent a lot of time with Acura studying and eating. There was hints that he liked me. I kept talking to Toyota about it. It took a while and then Toyota finally admitted that Acura did indeed like me too. On New Year’s Eve, I went out to a party with Toyota and his other hotty for the night. Acura was spending time with his family. So at this party I ran into a guy that I’d had the hots for ever since I met Explorer, name: Truckboy. They were old roommates and running buddies. Bad I know. Truckboy and I danced all night, he kissed my neck, and at the end of the night we pecked each other, no tongue. He asked me to stay the night with him, I said no, he said it would be just cuddling, I still said no. Now Toyota was super angry about it because he felt that Truckboy crossed the friend’s ex-girlfriend rule thing.

The next day was New Year’s day. A bunch of the boys from next door and I went ice skating and then we went for late night tacos, and then we went home to watch a movie. Now, Toyota AND Acura invited me to stay the night. They all live in one bedroom, so privacy is shaky. We watched a movie. Toyota fell asleep. Acura and I went to the third base. He wanted to have sex but I said no. Let me mention that dick size is rather important to me, and Acura’s cock is a few notches bigger in the girth department than Explorers and it’s straighter. The next day Acura asked me where our thing was going. Now I had bought a ticket to visit Lake Tahoe for January 10th. I told Acura that I had to go to Tahoe to figure out what I was doing. I went to work that day and spent time with my mom and we discussed the details of the situation. I decided that I didn’t need to go to Tahoe and that it would be better to break up. It also bothered me that if I went to Tahoe that I would probably miss the opportunity for anything to come of Acura and I… even though I’m not looking for a relationship, I could settle for a casual sexual thingamajig, with communication and whatnot.

The next day, Jan 3, Explorer and I broke up. It was pretty mutual. He didn’t seem like he was completely committed to the relationship either. At the end of the conversation he said that he still wanted me to come to Tahoe. I thought he was crazy. It took me until Jan 6 to finalize that I wasn’t going to visit. When I made that decision I was very clear that we were breaking up. I was ready to let the whole thing go and move on with my life. On Jan 7 I spent the night with Acura and we went to the 3rd base again. I still felt that I wasn’t ready to have sex.

After that Acura got really busy and started ignoring me. Toyota told Explorer about Truckboy hitting on me. It wasn’t like Truckboy was completely responsible, I was very responsive… lol. I was in Santa Fe on Jan 12 and went for beers with Truckboy and his best friend Bobby. During beer drinkage, Explorer randomly called Bobby, and we immediately had to acknowledge the huge gorilla in the room. Bobby told Explorer that I was there not knowing that there had been any confrontation between Toyota and Explorer about Truckboy and I. We agreed on a believable alibi for hanging out and that night I went home with Truckboy. He and I also went to the third base. However, Truckboy’s penis size was a few notches smaller than Explorer’s, so I felt that I didn’t want to go there with Truckboy again.

I found out on Jan 14 that Explorer was pretty upset that Truckboy was hitting on me and thought that I was going to have sex with him. I didn’t want to be jealous about something that wasn’t something to be jealous over. So I had to confront him about it. Now Explorer is trying to get me to wait for him when he comes to visit in March. He hasn’t told me how long he’s going to be here for. He hasn’t decided if he’s going to move back for the summer, and he wants to go on a trip. He may also decide to go to grad school in Reno next Fall. He decided not to go to school this semester. So he has no reason to stay in Tahoe after the season ends. I see that no where in any of this that he’s thinking about me. He just wants me to wait for him until March, and then there’s no other commitment.

On Jan 15 I saw a friend that I’m attracted to. I’ll call him Cadillac. He’s not connected to this whole slew of gossip between friends. None of my friends, not even Toyota knows I’m talking to him. We had lunch. At the end of our conversation we admitted to each other that we would potentially like to start a casual sexual relationship together. He does know my friends. However with discretion and trust it would be easy for us to have some intimate human contact without the drama. We made a pinky swear at the end to our complete secrecy — maybe there will be something and maybe there won’t.

So what I see now is
Explorer wants me to wait for him in March with all of the above mentioned BS
Acura and I may have something
Cadillac and I may have something
Truckboy is out of the question
I want to be selfish, think about myself, and focus on school because my #1 priority is to school and being successful in my educational endeavors.

I do love Explorer. I can see myself being with him for a long time. I’m learning though that I have to not waste time on things that haven’t happened. I can’t be with him the way I want to. I know that if he were here that I wouldn’t be interested in other people. I acknowledge that ALL of this is in reaction to him having left me.

I come from a family that highly values sobriety, independence, and celibacy when needed. My childhood upbringing led me on a path of challenging and sometimes spiritual confrontation. I learnt that relationships could not be had out of codependence, fear, or addiction to substances or sex. Well, and what I found is that I’ve had no relationship that was void of all of those things. I understand that I need to find a place within myself where I can attract people to me that are “right” for me; and that I have to be that for them.

So… How do you know when it’s time to let go?

My Mom Married a Dope

In Drama, Mental Health, Parents on January 28, 2010 at 5:41 am

Eek, stay out of that one. Photo courtesy of http://www.davidhenrygerson.com.

Help Yenta,

My amazing mother is in an awful marriage. Her husband is lazy, racist, sexist, kinda mean and none of us can stand him. Oh and he is a loud talker! She obviously loved him at some point and he is the only person she has been with besides our dad, but oh man he sucks the joy out of any family gathering. He hasn’t worked in years, she supports him with her job. They are in debt, the house is falling apart and now she is sick and my brothers and I are taking care of her, because he is caught up in his next ‘get rich quick’ scam. She seems miserable and knows she made a bad choice with this guy, but she is way too stubborn to admit it. Whenever the subject is broached she gets angry and leaves the room. When we try to talk to him he just takes it out on my mom. Please let know what the heck we are supposed to do.

Frustrated in Colorado…

Dear FIC,

There is a season and a time, so says a great book, for everything. This is not, I don’t think, the time to be attempting to rearrange your mother’s love life. One thing that is hard in life is sitting with the shit choices others make. Whether this means choosing a dumb partner, cutting your thighs with a razor blade, or consuming alcohol to numb the pain, there are times when your job is to just stay out of it.

Why? Because you might drown in your attempt to save your mother from her bozo boyfriend, and then two lives sink together. With any type of addiction or bad behavior, the addict or culprit has to want to make a change, has to want to see a shift. Until then, you are barking up a hollow tree.

This doesn’t mean we should flush the afflicted, ignore their suffering, and stop with our love. Quite the opposite. The best way to help your mother is to tend to her illness. Her lifestyle choices are hers, and chances are you can’t shift them. Even if you could, you would have a better chance convincing her to leave this man if she was able to really settle into knowing that you love her.

People want to have control over things that they can’t control. But when someone is actually physically sick, that type of health always takes precedence.

So put on your best set of emotional blinders and sideline this jerk she chose, and put all that concern and love into tending to her health. Crap husband or no crap husband, your love might keep your mother alive, and a live mom can be the best kind.

For more help:

1) Even though this book is about marriage, it’s major theme is differentiation and self-care. Read Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Passion Alive in Intimate Relationships by David Schnarch, PhD.

or, with a grain of salt to curb the cheesy content, try Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

2) Find a local Codependants Anonymous meeting. Click here to find one near you.

3) See a counselor. Click here to find one.

Have a question? Ask anonymously via www.send-email.org attn: merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

Loud Party in Her Pants

In Drama, Roommates on January 25, 2010 at 4:25 am

Dear Yenta,

Several months ago I had a new roommate move in. For the most part things are great, we’ve had a few minor arguments but mostly it’s been smooth sailing. However there is one issue. About once a week her boyfriend comes around and they follow a routine that I have come to know and dread. They park in front of the T.V. consume two or more bottles of red wine and mosey upstairs.

Once in the bedroom they begin a series of activities that are unlike anything I have ever heard. The sound is something like a mixture of a cardio-kickboxing class and a ritual sacrifice. There intimate sessions are so exuberant that they shake my bed at the end of the hall.

How do I bring up this issue without creating a huge wedge of awkwardness between us? It is somewhat more difficult to bring up because I am a guy and she is also nearly ten years older then me.

-Fed Up

Party in the bedroom. Hollah.

Dear FU,

I asked two people for help with your problem. The first was a man sitting at the Chabad Shabbat dinner table. He said he once had Danish roommates on a Kibbutz in Israel back in the day who partied loudly every night. He asked them to be quiet on numerous occasions so he could sleep, but they ignored him nightly. Every morning he had to be up at six am to pick bananas and it was torture.

One day he had had enough so he went to the fishpond and picked out all the dead fish. He chopped the fish and put it in trash bags and then threw all the Danish guys’ sheets and clothes and blankets into the bag, mixed it up, and skipped town. That’s right, he never looked back.

This is the worst advice on the planet for a number of reasons. One, he never got them to shut up and two; he wasn’t even around to witness the revenge plot.

The second person I asked, a la Santa Fe, was a woman hanging upside down from some straps doing yoga in my living room. In her heightened enlightened form, she yielded stellar advice.

She said you need to address the topic gently with your roommate. Approach her and just say something simple, like “I am a light sleeper and have been waking up when your man comes over. Could you just keep in mind that I am down the hall in the future?” Each member of a household has a few basic rights: privacy, quiet after midnight, and so on. There is nothing wrong with attempting to preserve this space for yourself.

And then, a few things could happen.

A) Your roommate curbs her enthusiasm.
B) Your roommate ignores you.

Basically, in situations like these you first need to attempt to voice your concern and communicate, and then watch and see how the other party involved addresses your concerns. If they ignore you and disrespect you, then that’s it. Why bother attempting communication when the person is actively shoving cotton in their ears?

If she ignores you and keeps slamming her boy toy, then get out. This is simple. For many years, we the roaming twenty-something population have the ability to sublease our Craigslist apartments and seek new, more ecumenical homes. Try this and see. If all else fails throw some rotting carp in her bedroom while they are going at it.

Challenge Yenta with a sordid plot. Submit a question anonymously to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com via www.send-email.org

Do I Tell Him I Cheated?

In Dating, Drama, Roommates, Sex on January 22, 2010 at 1:35 am

Guilt sucks, but sometimes it is our duty to bear it. Photo courtesy of http://www.davidhenrygerson.com

Dear 27-Year-Old Yenta:

My ex-boyfriend Randy and I did a really good job of “being friends” a year after our breakup. He earned an internship at an engineering company located 3 miles from my house and a long 2 hour drive from his. I agreed to let him stay in the alcove of my studio apartment while I dated someone else. We were cool the first 2 months, but one day it was too much to bear. We ended up having wild fuck-sex for hours while my real boyfriend was out.

My present boyfriend isn’t stupid, he knows something’s not right but there
is nothing he can pinpoint. I know you’ll probably say honesty is
the best policy but I know he’ll leave me if I tell him. And what’s
the point, Randy moved out, so it’s not like it’s going to happen
again. So why ruin a good thing?

-Guilty As Charged

Dear GAC,

I had a cousin who once, sitting at the bar of the restaurant where I worked, whispered to me that women must always have a few secrets. I don’t know if my entire moral compass agrees, but my instinctive response is to tell you to suck it up and guard this secret with all of you.

Honesty may not always be the best policy. In this case, if it was an accident and will never happen again, then why hurt the man you love? Further, there is something to be said for the valiance of shouldering the guilt rather than passing on the pain. This is your business and your problem, so manage it.

There is always the question, though, “What would you want your boyfriend to do in the same position?” Would you want him to tell you? Is honesty everything? Or are there moments and secrets that are yours, and his, and not to be shared? Some people believe that sexual indiscretions are unrelated to commitment. Some people believe that a physical moment in time does not compromise the deep and real love for your partner.

This is not to say that it is ok to make Randy moments like that habit. It is not ok.

Ultimately, I don’t know what you should do. Only you do, because only you know your own heart, your own man, your own relationship, and your own capacity for self-control. Just be sure to remember your heart, AND his, in your decision-making process.

Have a question? Ask anonymously via www.send-email.org directed to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

Friendship Hiatus

In Drama on January 20, 2010 at 12:03 am

Dear Yenta,

So I moved here and started to live with a friend, who I have been close with for 5 years but we have grown apart. Having both just gotten evicted, I decided I didn’t want to live with her again. It has created a rift in our friendship now. Question: I would like to repair this rift, but at the same time feel like if we are to be in each other’s lives we have to be able to communicate about important things. How can I do that?

-Missing My Friend

Life without a friend you love can feel flat.

Dear MMF,

Time heals true friendships. If you just had a falling out, perhaps be patient and let the conflict breathe. Then, figure out what you want from this friend, how you want the friendship to evolve, as it seems like you have, and go from there.

Be the strong and bold woman that you are and swallow a bit of pride, approaching this friend with love. If you want honesty and boundaries, set the stage for honesty and boundaries. You know how you function best with this friend, perhaps in a group, perhaps one on one. Invite her on a hike or to coffee and try and make conversation, objective easy conversation, until it feels as if you have a banter going, evoking the feelings that brought you together in the first place.

Once things seem a bit less tense, then bring up anything you need to address. You can ask about the rift, or you can choose not to mention it at all, jumping into the next phase of friendship which is patching up the holes and walking the new direction you want to head in. If you want to communicate about important things, begin to do so, and perhaps suggest that you meet once a month/week for another hike or cup.

If you carve out a sacred space for your friendship, chances are it will be filled. If you want to connect on a deeper level, make that cradle for depth and be brave and show you trust your friend by opening up. Just remember, there are many faces of honesty. It is not dishonest to use discretion with your words, rather mature and kind. I learned this the hard way.

Communicate with this friend as you wish, just be cautious that the space between the two of you is equipped to hold that which you wish to share. Don’t go dumping giant secrets, comments or judgments if her heart can’t handle them. Always test the waters first, and be sure she is in a place to hear you. And if she can’t handle the intimacy you seek, don’t be angry. What we want and what we get don’t always line up, be open to the evolution of this friendship.

Have a question? Want to ask it anonymously? E-mail merissag[at]gmail[dot]com via www.send-email.org.

Dating a Divorcee

In Breakups/Divorce, Dating, Drama on January 17, 2010 at 7:30 pm

Dear Yenta,

I am sleeping with a man going through a divorce. Is this inherently a bad idea? How do I go about making sure he is not expecting me to fill his ex’s shoes?

-Dating a Divorcee

Are you his baggage receptacle? Photo courtesy of http://www.davidhenrygerson.com

Dear DaD,

First things first: what are your intentions? Are you looking for a husband, a lover, a partner, a boyfriend, a one night stand, a sugar daddy? Where are you putting your energy and why? If you want a one night stand or a fling, enjoy the man, the sex, and his sudden newly cut strings. If you want more, then read on.

When dating a man for serious whom you know just emerged from another woman/man’s bed, take a few things into account. This man, whether his former relationship was long dead or recently altered, has ties to another human and their personal business. Careful that that drama does not suddenly become yours.

Even if he is with you, and loving you, and amazing, he still has a piece of himself sorting through yesterday’s baggage. This could be as simple as transferring a suitcase from home to home or as complex as dealing with the leftover shards of a cheating/lying/deceptive relationship that may have hurt him. The only thing to be truly wary of in dating a divorcee is this, being fully aware that you may not be receiving the entirety of the man resting in your arms.

Everyone is compartmentalized to some degree. Everyone has some doors to their hearts open, and others not, so in this case it is extra important to communicate. Don’t fall too hard in love with a man with a recent ex without being sure that baggage was shipped to Tahiti with a one way pass. The last thing you want is to be head over heels with a man who suddenly announces he is a) not ready for more commitment b) not over his wife c) not that into you.

Or, as you seem to fear, make sure he doesn’t just want a new version of the old love. Watch him, listen to him, use your intuition and see: is he wounded and seeking you as relief? Or has he moved on, coming to you not as a wet rag, but as a strong and equal partner?

Just keep an honest line to your own heart open, and another line open in conversation with his. Divorcees deserve love too, but the first person you should be worrying about is not the divorcee in distress, but how the whole mess might effect your personal well-being. Don’t get sucked into saving a wounded man if that’s your secret thirst.

Depth with the recently-divorced is like dating two people, the man and his ex, so just remember that and be slightly protective of your heart and very patient. That, and enjoy the wild emergence of a possibly previously repressed man. If your relationship is well-rounded, you will know because you will feel strong. If you feel drained and exhausted, like a giant human band-aid, maybe seek a new lover.

Ask Yenta anonymously by e-mailing merissag[at]gmail[dot]com via www.send-email.org.

My Loud Friend

In Drama on January 13, 2010 at 3:48 pm

Dear Yenta,

I have this guy friend who has gone to far too many punk shows and now he is so deaf it is embarrassing to be with him in public because he yells everything. He also gets really pissed if we ask him to quiet down. How do I let him know nicely, that at 32 he needs hearing aids?

-My Loud Friend

Eek, cover your ears. But, be nice.

Dear MLF,

The mistake thus far has been calling him out on his decibel level in public. Chances are that despite how shameless he seems, he is already aware of his deteriorating hearing and completely ashamed. Also, there is nothing worse than being told to be quiet when you are in the midst of expressing yourself.

Take your friend aside when things are more intimate, less on display, and have an honest conversation in a trusting environment. “Hey, Joe Schmo, I am wondering if you have noticed that you have started speaking extra loudly lately, do you have any idea why that is?” He might be like, “because you are hard of hearing, wench” and spit it back at you, or he might be like, “whoah, really? I don’t remember myself as loud.”

Penny Lane from Almost Famous keeps coming to mind. I keep seeing her passed out in her hotel room after trying to kill herself, so in love with a musician. She never saw her reality, herself without the music and the bands until some kid held her and danced with her and stood by her, witnessing her in her least glamorous form.

An ex-mosher surely doesn’t want to admit his fallibility. Being human can suck when sensory experience wanes, depending on where you started. For a loud concert fan this loss of hearing might be a devastating and ironic reality, losing the ability to appreciate what you love because you were appreciating what you love. Him and Penny Lane, so sad.

So be sweet, go slow, and quietly and gently address the truth of your friend’s fading ears. That, or start wearing earplugs and humor the dude and his altered noise level.

Have a dilemma of your own? Write in anonymously to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com via www.send-email.org.

Sayonara, Don Juan

In Breakups/Divorce, Dating, Drama, Sex on January 7, 2010 at 12:54 am

He might be pretty, but next to him, you are invisible.

Dear Yenta,

I started dating/sleeping with a guy I recently met in my social group. After a short time I realized he’s an egomaniac, and the sex isn’t as good as I thought. How do I end it and still make it feel okay to see him socially?

-Doing a Narcissist

Dear DAN,

Gross, sex with an egomaniac can’t be good. I just imagine you two on a bed while he watches himself in the mirror, posing in all sorts of odd positions, you naked in his peripheral vision.

If you want to stop sleeping with him AND preserve the love, you need to step up and be the mature and amicable adult. This means give him a little hug and say you are through, that’s the easy part.

I consulted a sage on the topic of ending casual sexual relationships and his advice is as follows:

“I would say
End it in a nice way
Offer a hug or whatever

Say you still want to be friends

And then it’s up to you to be comfortable around him, even if he doesn’t take it well at first.”

The hard part is two-fold. A) Sticking to your decision to leave a man once you announce an exit can be hard when the relationship is only about sex. You will have to be strong and hold to your word. This not only keeps you honest, but also works towards issue B. B) You need to smile and be a warm friendly presence when you see this dude again if you want friendship. It is basically up to you to keep things as un-awkward as possible. So, vow to be normal and nice in the future, and see if you can handle your decision.

Awkward is contagious, and so is grace. But beware, some men have a resistance to forgiveness and feel generally castrated by the ending of a sexual relationship. Others take a hot minute to come around after being dissed, so be patient. If in time he can’t handle being as sweet as you choose to be, then cut your losses at that. What’s worse? Dissatisfactory sex with a self-stroking egomaniac, or, life without him as you search for a proper lover?
Have a burning question? Ask me anything by clicking here and sending your e-mail to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

Dinner Party Faux Pas

In Drama on January 6, 2010 at 10:17 pm

Dear Yenta,

I’ve invited people to dinners several times and they have not invited me over. What gives? Have people lost their manners?

-Dining Solo

Dear Dining Solo,

Everyone goes through dry spells in their social lives. These spells are often a result of a) poor circumstances b) bad choice of company and c) sometimes when people are going through hard times they can be crap company for any number of reasons, ie, neediness, abrasiveness, general hostility, controlling conversations or for being plain old boring.

My first questions would be, who are you inviting over and why? Are these people you really truly like, people who you truly connect with, or are you inviting guests over to fill a void?

When I was little my mom taught me to ALWAYS invite people if they had invited me. I was taught to include absolutely everyone and to make an effort to help people feel comfortable wherever they were. But when I done growed up, I found it tedious to be including people who didn’t enhance my dinner table.

It is important to give just to give, not to receive. Invite people without expectation, have them over and enjoy them for what they are and don’t expect a reciprocal invitation. Giving is not predicated upon receiving.
If the thirst for a return invitation is glaringly obvious it turns off your guests, who don’t want to be cornered into social commitment. This is actually the pits, when you get attached to an outcome with a new friend and practically yank at their shirt to hold on to them and their company. Nobody puts baby in a corner. It will drive them off, far off.

Also, not everyone likes having people over. Often times you invite people to dinner who don’t even host their own dinners, let alone cook. So what you take as an insult is actually a logistical dilemma. Andrea Zuckerman never invited anyone from Beverly High over because she lived in the projects and they all lived in mansions. (That and she was lying about her identity.)

In the end, I think the trick here is to host a dinner for the fun of it and to always be sincere about who you invite. Maybe suggest you do dinners more often, see if that suggestion prompts them to want to have you over in return. Often times the dinner-party-haver seems so confident and so popular that people don’t even bother reaching out. Make your needs and desires clear, “this was fun, let’s do it again soon.” Maybe even say you’ll call them soon, and then CALL THEM.

People may also have, as you said, simply lost their manners. Remember that everyone is raised differently, and that even though you aren’t being invited to dinner, you may be overlooking their expression of gratitude and friendship in a less predictable form. Be open to being cared for in more than one way, not just via dinner invitations. One wise woman once said, “A kiss is not a contract.” I would say the same goes for invites.