merissanathangerson

Monkey in the Middle

In Drama on December 8, 2009 at 5:07 pm

Dear Yenta,

My very close friend, Samantha, has been hooking
up with another good friend of mine, but he’s not in her close circle
of friendship. They only know each other through me. Unfortunately,
its starting to get awkward. We have big group dinner parties, and
they both attend, but do not talk to each other. After the dinner
party, they always end up going out together and having a wild night.
Everyone wants to materialize the relationship into something formal,
like “yes they are dating,” or “no, they are just f-buddies.”
It’s just weird because everyone knows, and my friend is starting to
have public anxiety over coming to events, she always asks if he will
be there and if so, do I think it will be awkward. It seems like she
wants me to be the mediator in their relationship. He now is more
likely to share intimate details of his life with me, because I am
close friends with Samantha. Its like he thinks we are the same
person. I feel like they are communicating through me. How should
I go about making this clear to them? It’s very complicated – she just
got out of a relationship and wants him to man up and ask her out, but
he is being very sensitive about how I would feel…and we never
hooked up or anything. She is too shy to take action. Should I take
action?

-Unintentional Threesome

Dear UT,

Oye. Get out of there.

First off, why does everyone at these dinner parties care if these two are dating or doing it or neither? Why do they need to define a pair’s status? And why do you need to be involved at all?

Boundaries, baby, boundaries. Tell Samantha and her said lover that you don’t want to be involved. That’s pretty simple and clear. Tell them both that the topic is off-limits and leave it at that. It sounds like they can take care of each other and will do so on their own clocks.

Are you, though, in love with Samantha’s beau? And better yet, is he in love with you? Is it possible he is just using your friend to have an excuse to be nearer to you? All this nonsense about “your” feelings about their dating seems contrived. Do you care, honestly, if they get together? Or do you just hate being the middle-woman?

If you are the medium for their immature relationship, also figure out how you got there. We choose our friends and relationships, and they didn’t just choose you as a moderator, you acquiesced. What are your feelings in all of this? You mention theirs a whole lot, and the awkwardness of the emotional tug of war, but what do you want? I doubt your dream was to be Samantha’s lover’s wet rag.

Samantha needs to own up to her own drama and you might want to find some drama of your own, the kind that doesn’t place you smack in the middle of another couple.

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  1. What a fabulously helpful website!
    Joan

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