Dear Yenta:

I recently started seeing a man who has a repertoire of “fetish”
delights. He likes toes, he likes big booty ho’s and he also likes
to lick brown eye hole. I am of course conflicted. While I try to
judge no one for the way the world delights them, I find a strange
blend of pure joy and pleasure from his escapades “back there,” as
well as a subtle form of judgment about his predilection. I mean,
who actually likes to stick their face in ass? It makes me suspect of
him as a person which is a bit judgmental really. And besides, it’s
not unheard of. But I question his psychology too – like is he into
being HUMILIATED? or is this just the trick that makes his stick tick?
Help Yenta!

-Bootylicious

Dear Bootylicious,

The truth is, LOTS of people enjoy this practice in a million forms. “Fingers in the ass again,” is how The Notorious B. I.G. referenced it in his song “Get your grind on.”

When I was in high school someone once told a nasty hurtful rumor about me and this practice, which I certainly had not engaged in at 16. The reason it was nasty was because of the outward associations we have with this part of the body. The rumor was meant to degrade me so I see where you are coming from with your trepidation.

In reality, though, annilingus is a common practice among sexually active adults for a simple reason: it covers an erogenous zone full of millions of sensitive nerve endings that provoke intense pleasure. See www.whitelotuseast.com for a tutorial.

Your partner may simply be excited about entering this taboo space, not associating it with defilement as you might. In addition, he might be elated at the idea of pleasuring you, which is not such a sin.

Generally, like you said, it is best not to judge or emotionally assess people’s sexual needs. A healthy sex life can look a million ways, and sexual behavior does not always correlate to surface emotions. But, that is not to say that you don’t have a right to your own discomfort. Is this someone you are both emotionally and physically intimate with? Is there space for a conversation between sexual acts? It is possible you need to hear him out as to why he loves doing this.

Also, you might want to revisit your own relationship with your rear. Why would wanting to kiss you there be something humiliating for a man? Your vagina floods with blood every month, and I don’t know if human waste is so repulsive when puritan attitudes are ditched. And what about this practice reflects his psyche? I wonder if you like or respect the man to begin with. It is possible that he repulses you, and you are projecting all that repulsion on what he is doing to your body.

Ultimately, communication is key in bed. Communication and some feeling of trust, either long-established or gutteral. Either way, your own view of your own body and the things done to it, knowing your pleasures and repulsions, will keep you from asking too many questions about the sanity of your partner. Knowing your own limits in bed takes a lot of stress away from awkward tongue-tickling moments. I recommend Aphrodite’s Daughters : Women’s Sexual Stories and the Journey of the Soul by Jalaja Bonheim as a way to start cultivating your bedroom self-image. Also, this odd site: www.sexwithoutshame.com.