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Archive for December, 2009|Monthly archive page

Teacher Troubles

In Teaching on December 7, 2009 at 8:22 pm

Dear Yenta,

I have always had a problem with guilt. Anytime I feel I let anyone
down or hurt someone in any way, I feel like a terrible person, and
that’s hard to deal with. Unfortunately, I’m also a PhD student and
instructor of freshman composition, and my job involves a lot of
grading. All of my colleagues tell me to spend 10-15 minutes, tops,
per paper while grading, but I struggle to take under 30 minutes per
paper. It’s killed me all semester long, and I know I can’t keep
doing this, but I feel like I would be cheating all my students if I
didn’t take that time. Do you have any advice on how I could
juggle this?

-Guilty Grader

Dear Guilty Grader,

I once took over five sections of English at a wild Catholic school when a teacher quit mid-schoolday. This job was torture, but also a quick education on the importance of standard shifts in grading. Like you, as a teacher I want to give my students what I think they deserve, which is time, attention and thoughtful response.

By the end of week one of this new job I found myself on a couch surrounded by over a thousand pieces of paper. I had assigned too many exercises and according to my previous grading policy, I had to comment on every single piece of paper. So, I started hyperventilating. That was the first of many corners I learned to cut.

Students benefit from comments, but moreso, they benefit from a sane teacher. If you think you can manage 30 minutes a paper, so be it. Don’t use what other teachers are doing as a litmus test for your own work. But if their 10 minute policy could save you some headache, then re-juggle your mindset and deliver. Your students will be better off having a well-rounded teacher than a book-size response to their Romeo and Juliet essay.

Cheating your students would be to rip your heart out of the job. Cheating your students would be to walk out on them mid-school day. Cutting your own previous high standards down to size to accommodate reality; this is just plain smart. In the meantime, remember that teaching is giving. Make sure, in the stress of grading, that you are being extra gentle with yourself. Doughnuts, baths, ice cream and movies are types of things that need to be doled out to you, in addition to final grades for the students.

Also, start training yourself. A “terrible person” would probably walk in and tell the students they are all retarded stupid freaks. A “terrible person” would give F’s for no reason, sleep with the hottest kid, and smack and kick the bad kids. At the end of each day take note of not having done these things to keep the concept of “terrible” in check. You sound more like a mensch.

Put a Sock In It

In Mental Health on December 6, 2009 at 10:28 pm

Dear Yenta,

I have this problem where I talk incessantly. I cannot seem to
stop. Every time, before I go out with friends, I tell myself on the
way out the door, to just shut up and listen. But invariably I end
up on another monologue.

To be completely honest, I am probably not that bad. I do have a few
friends who say I am a good listener. But the problem is when I go
out with a group of people, or with friends of friends I just can
not shut up. Even when I see people’s eyes start to glaze over.

How do I stop? Please help.

Thanks,

Guilty Gabber

Dear GG,

One common symptom of excessive speech is lack of oxygen. You need to see if you are breathing enough as your nervous talk escalates. Then, practice breathing, hearing your breath, timing it, counting it, whatever it takes to stay with yourself. A runaway mouth in a crowd also implies an exit of the self. You are putting so much out there that you momentarily abandon number one. My guess is that the more pressure you put on yourself to shut it, the worse it gets. This is why breathing cautiously helps in an anxious situation like this one, because it is a way of staying with yourself and therefore staying calm.

Also, these words you spew are a form of nervous energy that needs to be expelled. Work at this. Run or bike or go to yoga the day of a group gathering. Masturbation is an excellent social calming tool. If you are up for it, get off before going out to keep those swirling nerves under control. Masturbation, and of course, meditation. Sit in silence for even just five minutes watching your breath before you go out. Note your thoughts and remind yourself that they are just in your mind. This trick, if practiced regularly, will cut away half the neurosis.

Lastly, be nice to yourself. Everyone gets nervous. Don’t be so rough with your gabbing mouth. It will more likely stop evading you if you don’t put so much awful pressure on it to cease. And laugh at yourself. This is, ultimately, a little funny, a mouth with a mind of its own. I doubt you are nearly as awful as you think. Awareness, so they say, is the first step to recovery. You will be silent in no time.

Papa, Pay for my Shrink?

In Mental Health, Parents on December 3, 2009 at 10:00 pm

Dear Yenta,

I owe my Dad 8000 dollars, but don’t want to pay him. Instead I want to deduct the money from the therapy that I pay for that I think he is responsible for…
What should I do?

-Jilted

Dear Jilted,

If Daddy did the damage, then…

Money and therapy are tricky topics because they are self-defined for each individual involved. For example, if your Dad was a poor rail worker who busted his ass and burned holes in his hands to put food on your table, and now you are mad because he wasn’t home more, then you are an asshole. If your Dad is rich, neglected you, screwed women on the side, smacked you when he wasn’t getting any from his mistress, then keep your eight grand and do it your way.

There is a school of thought that parents who screw their kids up and can afford to unscrew them should then be responsible for the financial burden of healing. You sound like you know what to do. Does your Dad want to help pay for your self-help? Can you solicit him? Will this do something good for your family? Are you self-indulgent or self-aware? Figure out the reasons you are in therapy, and what you seek to gain from all that talk. My guess is that your father himself will benefit from the guru you seek.

If your Dad is rich and loves you and wants you “better” from whatever is paining you, and if therapy will bring you to that sunny happy place, then send Papi the bill. In the end, though, it’s up to him how he wants to handle the $8000.00 hole you dug.

Yenta: A Definition

In Uncategorized on December 3, 2009 at 4:58 am

Dear Yenta,

Should I listen to your advice if I’m not Jewish? Would you answer
this question differently if I were Jewish?

I think this should go under the mental health category, as I get a
little nutty.

Sincerely,

Goyish

Dear G,

Yenta’s advice = non-denominational words delivered to someone who solicits it. As for the Jewish nature of a Yenta, perhaps a slight education is in order.

What, you may be wondering, is a Yenta? It is a Yiddish word for a matchmaking elderly gossip or busybody. A Yenta is someone who might be in charge of spreading rumors, giving advice, helping you find a nice Jewish boy. According to the Urban Dictionary, “Just as there are bad witches and good witches, so there are good yentas and bad yentas. A good yenta provides you knowledge and wisdom about everything.”

“Yenta,” however, is just a Yiddish word for a universal character. Every community has an older woman who knows and sees all the local social happenings, and may meddle where both needed and unneeded. So yes, goy or no goy, the advice, although flowing from a Jewess, knows no borders.

Moby Thesaurus says the following words are synonyms of Yenta: Paul Pry, Peeping Tom, a tale-bearing animal, backseat driver, busybody, eavesdropper, gossip, gossip columnist, gossiper, gossipmonger, inquirer, inquisitive, inquisitor, intermeddler, kibitzer, meddler, newsmonger, newspaperman, nosy Parker, prier, pry, querier, querist, questioner, quidnunc, reporter, rubberneck, rubbernecker, rumormonger, scandalmonger, scopophiliac, sightseer, snoop, snooper, tabby, talebearer, taleteller, tattler, tattletale, telltale, tittle-tattler, voyeur.

With the advice, do what you will, be you black, white, orange or blue, Muslim, Sikh, Christian or Jew. Take it or leave it, sugar.

Sucking in the Smoke

In Mental Health on December 3, 2009 at 4:48 am

Dear Yenta,

I love to smoke cigarettes in my apartment. I don’t want anyone to know that I participate in this heinous self-destructive act, but I am addicted, not necessarily to nicotine, but to the secrecy of it…I do it while watching gangster movies, or political dramas, while reading self-indulgent books, or listening top 40 music. Whyyyyyy? Even writing this is kinda fun. Help.

-Lame-O

Dear Lame-O,

I once shared my love for Gossip Girl with an audience of four and they nearly destroyed it for me. Be sure to guard your secret indulgences, they are precious. If this is truly your vice, then enjoy it in full. Everyone does it, finds what they know to be “Sinful” and then indulges to somehow prove their autonomy.

Yes, this is a way of saying “Forget you world, I am in charge of me!” It is also a form of intimacy, you, your cigarettes, your pleasures. But finally, and honestly, it is clearly some weird form of self-abuse. Can you replace cigarettes with something less harmful to your body, like porn, chocolate, mint tea? Or, can you stop hating yourself and do it less often, and instead of lapping up the guilt, jump into the sheer pleasure of smoking, like a big kid in your own home?

I used to smoke in bed all the time in college. It disgusted people and was my way of marking my territory, some odd post-adolescent acting out. Just figure out if you are rebelling, or if you are half European and just have a penchant for fine tobacco. Check in with yourself and see who you are rebelling against, why, and whether you are using this behavior as a form of masochism or simply enjoyment of life’s pleasures.

Addicted to “Love”

In Dating on December 2, 2009 at 9:56 am

Dear Yenta,

My girlfriend lives in Europe. My ex-girlfriend lives in New York. I live somewhere in-between and am alone, in love with both, and extremely confused. The ex was my college sweetheart and has been there on and off for many years. I know if I move to Europe and choose my present girlfriend that I am cutting off the old one forever.

To commit to this new woman is also scary in and of itself. How do I know I love her? Or that I will love her? I only just left college and am still unsure who I am. I also love mountains and there are no mountains near the Euro-girl, and I am worried I will resent her for taking away my passions.

Help?

-Split

Dear Split,

Some women are like drugs. You will want them and crave them and only feel good when you have them, and at all other moments of the day it is torture to not be with them. You sound like a woman addict who could use some detox and rehab. This means taking some time outside the matrix of dating and figuring out who you are and what you want, so these women don’t dictate or determine that for you.

Also, look at what love means to you. It should, in theory, expand your sense of positivity, outlook, possibility and self. If you are only feeling this “love” with the women, and constant agony without, it is worth evaluating whether this love is expansive or reductive. Are you shrinking to keep a woman in your life?

And if you love mountains, find mountains on the weekends and the woman you love in the week. It is a myth that you should have one or the other. In choosing to satisfy your own needs you might find that it is easier to love and commit to one woman at a time. Generally, self-care is the number one prescription for a healthy relationship. If you are sated in advance, then your woman becomes a perk or a partner, rather than a co-dependant fiendish need.

What do YOU want, YOU need? Worry about number one, and who number two is will become crystal clear.

Dating a Bozo

In Dating on December 1, 2009 at 5:19 am

Dear Yenta,

I have been dating this guy a few times and he has an obnoxiously loud voice. Every time he speaks when we are at dinner I want to crawl under the table because everybody is staring at him. When is it too soon to tell a guy you have been seeing that he talks too loud?
To make matters worse, when he wants more water he waves his glass and shouts “hello, hello” to the waiter. Last night we went out for sushi and he demanded a spoon and started shoveling the sushi in his mouth. I am totally embarrassed. What do I do?

– Desperately Seeking a Normal Boyfriend in the Big Apple

Dear DSNBBA,

Well, for this one I summoned the powers of my mother, who said flatly, “Get rid of him.”

My own first question would be to ask why you are dating him, what are his redeeming qualities? Do you like him for him, or are you sitting and enduring these dates simply because he likes you? Is there something fantastic about this rude boy that makes you want to overlook his flaws? Or, are they what take the cake?

My mother says that you can’t tell him what’s wrong with him. She says you need to find another man, or learn to love this one’s weirdness, you can’t change him.

I think it is important to look closely at the ticks that are bothersome about another person. Why does his loudness agitate you? His yelling at the waitress like a slave? Is it something in you, or something in him that needs to be changed? The insensitive details you listed lead me to believe that this man’s flaw is a basic lack of self-awareness and lack of respect for those around him. Why would you want to keep dating someone like that? What does he give you? Also, what kind of bozo eats sushi with a spoon?

There is, though, the possibility that he has something valid wrong with him, in which case choosing patience would be up to you. Again, a decision based on what he does that is positive and enriching in your life.

Only you know what kind of man you are looking for, what kind of things turn you on and off, and only you know if there is more to this story or if the buck stops here, table manners reflective of his general personhood.

Step one in finding New York’s finest dating prospects, in your case, would be drastically raising your standards and believing you deserve the very best in table manners, respect and general enjoyment. Also, knowing what you are looking for in a man makes dating less torturous. This way, if he doesn’t have what it takes you don’t have to agonize over it, you just know. Patience is key when searching for a worthy match. That, and remembering that you should have the very best.

Sidestepping the Sapphic

In Dating on December 1, 2009 at 12:09 am

Dear Yenta,

I recently went out with a charming and cute young lady. However, up
until last week, I was pretty sure she was exclusively into other
women (from common acquaintances and context). But we hit it off
really well, and we have great chemistry when we dance. I’m sure she
could be bisexual in this day and age, but I don’t want to offend her
by trying to make out with her if she is really only into girls. I
also have no desire to ask her, “Are you gay?” Any suggestions?

Cheers,
Barking Up the Wrong Tree

Dear Barking Up the Wrong Tree,

When you like a straight woman, how do you know she is into you? Would you just walk up to her and start sucking face to express your lust? My guess is, no. Bi and gay women aren’t politically correct specimens, waiting to be offended, they are just women.

List the signs in your mind that indicate a green light with a straight woman and then apply them to your relationship with this new woman. There isn’t a huge difference when a woman is or isn’t into you, if she is also into women. The same rules apply, your mind just gets more wrapped up in the possibility of rejection when all genders are competing.

Give this one time, test the waters, do what you do, gently, nothing too intense, to show her you are looking for more than friendship. Go slow and watch, like you might with any woman who you are truly interested in. If she takes the bait, then keep moving in the romantic direction.

Gay and bi and straight are just labels used for identity markers, politics and convenience. She might be gay, she might be bi, she might be into you, and she might not be. Treat her like a woman who you find appealing, and just see if those feelings are reciprocated. Also, “this day and age” is perpetual, you never know, never knew if a woman you were with initially wanted a woman more than she wanted you. Again, you never know. Just jump.