Enough is enough. (Ella vibrator/G-spot stimulator from ToysInBabeland.com)
Dear Yenta,
I’m a woman in my late 20’s. I live alone & I have a boyfriend in another country. When I’m busy I watch porn. Sometimes one cum isn’t enough, I have to have 2 or 3 before I stop. Then, it’s 12 am and I haven’t even started what I have to do for the night. It’s affecting my sleep and my productivity. How can I still get my orgasmic needs taken care of while not cheating, or without completely wrecking my nights?
-Horny and Hating It
Dear HHI,
When your orgasms start interfering with your ability to accomplish basic tasks, then you know you have a problem. As much as I am a fan of sex and sexual exploration, open-minded self-loving and general sexual satisfaction, I think this is about way more than “orgasmic need.”
An orgasm can easily be confused with other emotions. When one needs a constant orgasmic release, this might have little to nothing to do with sex, and way more to do with an excess of energy in the body, most often nervous energy, that should be handled in ways far more satisfying than chronic masturbation. It sounds as if you are projecting your life’s anxiety onto your orgasm.
In a number of religious and spiritual practices there is a lot of attention placed on training, suppressing, or fine-tuning sexual energy. I know only a little about chakras, but it sounds to me like you might need yours balanced out. Instead of focusing on how to find the most mind-blowing orgasm, you may want to find other ways to calm your body and mind. Also, look into the emotions wrapped up in your porn addiction: what is it that you are using this practice to exit from? What is your sex practice connected or disconnected to?
Deep Breathing, Qigong, Meditation, Yoga, Acupuncture, Reiki, Acupressure, Reflexology, Running, Swimming, Dancing, Singing: these are all ways of either expelling or redirecting that groin region buzzing. You will probably then find that with slight masturbatory abstinence and a lot of OTHER physical activity, that every orgasm counts for more.
I.e., there are two ways of coming for a woman. (Probably like fifty to a million ways of coming, but here are two disparate examples.) One: you come, come again, come again and keep going for as long as you feel but never are present in your body, nervously triggering the musculature of your interior into a skittish “pleasure” frenzy. OR, Two: you come once, twice, three-five times, but the quantity does not matter. In those instances you are present in your body, experience every nuance of sensation because you are calm and coming to sex for the experience rather than the release.
This kind of orgasm is supreme. It will build and as it does, you will feel that steady increase in intensity. And then, the orgasm itself will be something you can feel not just with your vagina, but also with your feet, your arms, your heart, etc. Obviously this is not the case for everyone, but for you, this is the goal. Stop triggering your clit like a murderous gun and learn to be still with your body so that each orgasm individually satisfies you in a deeper, more comprehensive way.
All in all, my friend, you may simply be a sex/porn/masturbation addict. For help with this and more, try these resources.
Or, you could try seeing a Sexologist, like this one in San Diego, to explore what you are projecting onto your orgasms.
Another avenue, Tantric Coaching.
Or, try this stellar option. It is a CD of subliminal sound training meant to hipnotize you out of your sexual hunger.
Your 29-Year-Old Yenta 