Will I Ever Find Love?

In Dating, Mental Health on March 28, 2010 at 1:09 am

Fun does not always translate to relationship material. Photograph courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II,

Dear Yenta,

I think I am going to be a bachelor for the rest of my life, and I am not sure if that’s a bad thing. My life is always in a lovely state of chaos, rarely a dull moment. I love going to the movies/the bar/the theatre/the museums by myself. I like not having to answer to someone. And, if I may borrow from our lady Emily Dickenson a bit, I absolutely love dwelling in possibility. But she died single.

Was she happy to merely “dwell in possibility”? So I think perhaps I am just scared to actually settle down, settle being the operative word. Having only had 3 major loves in my life with a scattering of nipped-in-the-bud potential heartbreaks, maybe I am actually NOT cut out for the whole relationship scene. This path I have carved out for myself is a lonely existence, but at least it’s mine and no one else’s. So I guess the question is Yenta: Never? or Never Say Never?

-Alone Forever

Dear AF,

Oye. Honey, first off, three major loves is more than most people can bargain for in an entire lifetime. You are blessed. As for finding a fourth and lasting major love, you will have to step back and take inventory on your life and your lifestyle.

This process actually completely sucks. It is the tough work of seeing where we are lying to ourselves, and often requires a new friend, a pre-existing honest friend, or an outside party to help reveal the truth. If you are leading a jet set lifestyle, so be it. But if you never stop moving, never rest, it is possible that you are running around to avoid whatever it is you will find when stillness arrives.

This is a common practice – running haywire on adrenaline to avoid the muck. The muck is where the tools for love are. The grit and grime of whatever it is you are avoiding is like a little key. Usually, once discovered, it unlocks a barricaded heart and lets love in.

So, a few questions: are you REALLY happy? Or faux happy? Are you REALLY looking for a partner? Or is now just not your time? Maybe you are living 100% perfectly and the moment simply has not presented itself. Is there a timeline you are working with that makes you feel inadequate right now for not having that type of love?

And then, wonder about your patterns. Look at your past relationships, the big ones. But more importantly, look at the flirtations, the fizzlers, the moments that bombed. What happened? Who are you choosing? Are they men? Boys? Women? Girls? Are you barking up the wrong tree? Or is it the tree right, and you just happen to be climbing all wrong?

If there is something you do regularly to sabotage the possibility of love, it will be hard to determine what it is. Whatever we do to avoid things tends to be momentarily subconscious. So find yourself a battle plan, whether it be a serious solitudal exploration of the interior, a support group of women friends, interviews with all your exes, or an arsenal of professional help. Do what you need to do to figure out where, when, how and if at all you are pushing love away.

Never, my dear, ever, ever, ever say never. We get what we wish for.

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