Do All Women Just Want To Be Ravaged?

In Health and Body, Mental Health, Sex on May 5, 2010 at 7:38 pm

There is a devil inside every woman. The question is, how to engage it without traumatizing her.

Help me Yenta!!!

This is a fairly general question but, WHAT DO WOMEN WANT IN BED!!!!!!!!!!!

I was reading about a book online called “Just f*#% her!”  Its basic concept is that women, even the sweet ones, just want to be ravaged, and screwed silly till they’re

Lifeless next to you.

IS IT TRUE?  I NEED TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!


Dear K,

Lifeless = dead.  So no, chances are women do not want you to kill them.   I am assuming you are referring to this document, “Just F*&#ing F*#$ me, already,” from The Best of Craigslist.

To answer your question I gathered four experienced women who happen to be farmers.  Farmers are in touch with themselves, the earth and as a solid byproduct, their sexuality.  We read the manifesto you are referring to and then discussed it.  Here, for the answer to your questions, are their replies:

Farmer 1: Men think they should know everything.

Farmer 2: Like how to please a woman.

Farmer 1: And they don’t think they should ask because that makes them seem inexperienced.

Farmer 3: And that’s the thing that makes them inexperienced.

Farmer 2: An experienced man knows to ask.

A mechanic told me that women get their cars fixed better than men.  Why?  Because most women walk in and say, “There was a clicking and humming on the left side of the car.”  Most men, however, come in saying something like, “My carborator is broken,” when really it is the exhaust or the brake pads.  The difference: the man wanted to fake like he knew, and ended up with a bad result.

Farmer 1: It’s not even a question, women want all different things.  It is going to change every day, you just have to talk to her.

Farmer 2: Yeah, ask.  Ask her.

Farmer 3: Yeah, that’s the best sex advice ever, just talk.

Farmer 2: You have to be a little bit ballsy, and if you ask, it pays off.

Farmer 1: If you don’t ask then it is either bad, or you don’t ever see that person again because they weren’t satisfied.

Farmer 4: I would say that women are the same way.  We wonder, “I wonder if he likes it with teeth,” but are often too afraid to ask.

Farmer 3: And that’s what makes a bad blow job, not seeing what he likes.

So nugget number one: ASK.  Always. If she likes it rough, so be it, but the only way to not ride the line of raping and murdering your lover is to communicate with her so that you understand the nuance and difference between “it hurts so good” and “you just mauled the woman you love to death.”

Farmer 2: Yeah, rough sex requires a high level of trust because usually the man is physically more powerful than you… and then suddenly you are like, oh shit.

Farmer 1: It depends on the woman and how long you have been dating her.

Farmer 2: It turns from fun to scary pretty quick.  And you can’t always communicate that in the moment.

Farmer 4: Just ask, even if you are in the middle of it.

Aha.  Yes, communication and rules can be set up before the act so that freedom reigns.  For more read “When Is Rough Too Rough?.”   On setting safe rules for rough play in the bedroom read “Doing It Rough, Safe,” or “He Ignores My Safe Word.”

I once had a friend who was annoyed about catering to women, “What am I supposed to do,” he asked, “treat every woman I sleep with like she is the survivor of rape and incest?”  The answer: Yes.  How do you treat a survivor?  With respect, listening to her cues.  That shouldn’t be so hard.  Every woman you sleep with is a potential survivor of abuse.  Does that mean she wants to be cuddled and coddled?  Maybe.  And maybe not.

One man I knew in college was so sensitive that he treated his girlfriend with extreme care. Years later she took me aside and complained, angrily, about how he was so tender all the time, that he wouldn’t listen to her actual wants and needs.  She liked it rough and he liked treating her like a fragile delicate flower.

Farmer 1: An ideal lover is someone capable of both being able to communicate and ask, while still being masculine, being a leader.

Farmer 3: I am really turned on when a man takes control.

Farmer 4: Take charge can mean, “does this feel good?”  It can be as simple as taking charge through questions.

We concurred that a good lover is like a good dance partner.  He takes charge, but it is a symbiotic relationship.  Ie, for him to take charge, you have to give the reigns.  It is mythical power, a structure in place for the sake of leading towards a goal.

Farmer Yenta: They are leading you, but you are still fueling that dance.

Farmer 1: It is about creating a safe space for expression.

A few other things that came up: a real loathing of obligatory sexual exchange.  Ie, when a man gives to receive.  Penises are charged with meaning for women everywhere, and depending on the nature of the sexual exchange, to want to service that body part needs to come about organically.  If there is any sense of force or obligation, a woman often begrudgingly and sadly delivers.

Farmer 1: Give because you want to give, never expect anything in return.  If you go down, do it because you love it, not because you want more of it.  Giving to receive ends in resentment.

Farmer 3: Yeah, just don’t give at all if you don’t enjoy it.

And a word on expression.  The craigslist article reads: “It’s OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are f*#$ing a ninja.”

Farmer 4: I looooove when men make noise.

Farmer 3: It’s men’s excitement that drives to much of it.  Their passion for you – that has to come out.  If they are excited to rip my clothes off, then I get turned on.

Top farmer sex read:  The Guide To Getting It On! by Paul Joannides

Finally, our favorite nugget from this “book” you read online:

“Ohmyf*#!ingg-d, please learn to respect the clit. It’s different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you’re trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don’t know what to do, ask her. Just ask. “How do you like it?”. It’s a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she’s being all coy, ask “Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?” The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.”


Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using to ask anonymously.

Merissa Nathan Gerson is a fan of
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