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Archive for the ‘Drama’ Category

Grabs Her Boobs In Public

In Dating, Drama, Sex on May 15, 2010 at 6:49 am

Keep those filthy paws off her silky drawers. Photo courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

When I am with my girlfriend at parties, I like to sometimes grab her breasts in public and she seems to like it too.  Some woman came up to me tonight and told me this was wrong.  What?  Who is she to tell me what to do with my girlfriend?  Is it wrong, really?

Sincerely,

Copping a Feel and Liking it

Dear CAFALI,

Well, I guess there are different standards for each woman.  Some women don’t mind if you grab them in public, and others do.  Some men don’t mind having people witness their sexual affection for their woman’s parts, and others do.  It comes down to a matter of personal preference.

Is it “wrong” to grab her boobs in public?  That is really for her to determine.  My only caution is this: some women have a hard time saying no, even when it feels wrong.  Some women like pleasing men and will let go of their own dignity to do so.  Some women don’t know that they can expect a man not to grab her breasts in public.

And then, some women get off on it.  I personally abhor witnessing people grope on each other in ways that provoke the imaginings of what happens behind closed doors, but that is just me.  I prefer a PG display of PDA, and am generally irritated when I see things, like, for example, tonight when I watched a woman loop her hand tightly in the inner part of her man’s groin, rubbing one hand brusquely across his penis.  No.  When I reached for another potato chip on the BBQ buffet, I didn’t expect to see that.

But my discomfort is my problem.  Grope away if you really think your woman friend feels respected, despite you being inside of her shirt in front of strangers.  The only way, though, to really know if she is down for some staged feeling up is to ask her when you aren’t already mid-act.  Talk about this in private, perhaps sober and in daylight, to be sure you aren’t accidentally pushing your lover into a space of shame and discomfort.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Merissa Nathan Gerson is a fan of
Ask Your Yenta
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Is It A Date?

In Career, Dating, Drama on May 12, 2010 at 2:08 pm

Dear Yenta,

How can I tell if my next meeting is a date?  We got drinks to talk business and then we got dinner again to talk business.  And then, we got dinner again to talk business and I paid.  Then in an e-mail we talked a little business, she said, “Going out of town, when I get back, let’s hang out.”  Which is different from business, but our business is kindof a business of hanging out. Is it, or is it not, a date?

-Cornelius

Whatever you do, try not to be creepy/skeazy or sleazy. Photo courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Confused Cornelius,

A few things…

1) It is not a formal date. A date is obvious, and not veiled in business.  A better question, Is it romantic?  This only you and this woman know, and to test these waters all you need to do is dip a toe in and check the temperature.  If it is freezing, retreat and continue business chatter, if it is warm, proceed.  You know this.

2) When you paid for a meal you tilted the power dynamic which is often, oddly, a tilt towards romance.  Whenever it is not split evenly, you are making a statement about something, somehow.

3) Don’t mix business with pleasure.  This is simple and sane wisdom of the sages and is a good rule of thumb to follow…depending on the type of business.  If advancing sexually towards this person could potentially complicate your job and threaten your professional relationship, then heel, boy, heel.  If your business is one that can handle a bending of boundaries, OR, if you really think this is for real, then proceed.

The semantics of dating are irrelevant.  All that matters is whether you really want this person, and if so, then fearlessly pursue them and deal with the consequences, for good or for evil.

Or, when it doubt, said a rogue therapist of mine, do without.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Merissa Nathan Gerson is a fan of
Ask Your Yenta

Boyfriend Addict

In Dating, Drama, Mental Health on May 3, 2010 at 11:37 pm

Dear Yenta,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of about 4 years, 3 weeks ago.  Our relationship had been dying for the past 6 months (but had never been easy.)  He does not live in the same city as me.  I’d been attracted to a very good friend of mine for quite awhile, and a few days after I broke up with my boyfriend, we hooked up.  We’ve been hooking up ever since, and spending a lot of time together. . I’ve been very clear that I do not want to be in another relationship right away.
 
But, he is  a very good friend that I spend a lot of time with anyway, an now adding the physical stuff in just makes it more intense.  I’m having a great time with him, and don’t want to stop, but at the same time, We’ve pretty much slipped into relationship mode very quickly.
 
He stays at my apartment a lot, we talk almost every day.  It’s hard to say  “I don’t want to be in a relationship” with this person that I spend so much time with and care so much about. It’s not about commitment phobia, it’s about wanting to actually feel single and have fun with that. What to do?

-Piper Got A New Man

You think you are innocent, you unwitting wooer. Photo courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear PGANM,

This is the opposite of commitment phobia.  This is commitment mania.  This is a common disease amongst young attractive women.  They break up, and are immediately swooped in upon, yanked from the gap between lovers, and reinstated into committed existence.  A lot of women envy women like you, with weird rose-colored glasses, because you are the woman who seems to always know how to get the man.
 
The real question is, how to get off the man.  Yes.  You sound like you want some time to yourself, but are being wooed so fast, and giving in so quickly, that there isn’t, literally, any space for solitude.  With a man’s legs draped across your own, it is difficult to choose the to be alone.
 
What do you do?  What everyone else wishing to be in your shoes is told.  You need to step back, breathe, and figure out your pattern.  Why is it so easy to give in to this man’s desire for you?  Why is your desire so all-consuming?  Is this about “friendship?”  Or are you using that as an excuse, as a way to guiltily bind yourself to this next suitor?
 
Friends let friends grieve.  Isn’t that what being single begins with?  A period of grieving, a deep sigh, and then a hot pink dress and some girlfriends at a bar?  Maybe.  Single, it sounds like to me, means worrying about you and not the men who plant themselves in your heart for a hot little minute.  It might mean Carrie-ing it up, but I think it is different, something about disentangling from the influence of a constant partner to decipher who you are and what you really want.
 
You say, “Homeboy, I love sleeping with you, but I think this is bad timing.  I haven’t had a chance to process what happened with my ex and need that time for myself.”  He might pout, stomp, slam things.  He might ignore you and continue to try and seduce you.  He might hate you.  Whichever it is, you basically need to make a decision about who you are choosing, you or the suitors.  If he is really your “friend” he will get it, let you breathe. 
 
Your job, however, is more important than his.  He might run or he might woo, but you need to be sure you don’t follow him as he seesaws.  Your job is to be strong in your decision, and not give in when the loneliness comes creeping in.  Being single is bold and brazen and sometimes torture.  The reason why many women never get off the commitment train is because that space between is not easy to navigate.  It is not all martini parties and one-night stands and brunches.  When the going gets tough, you have to be careful not to run sobbing back to this male friend, because chances are you will wind up in his bed for many moons to come.    

For more on serial monogamy, click here.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Merissa Nathan Gerson is a fan of
Ask Your Yenta

I’m A Dating Machine

In Dating, Drama, Mental Health on April 29, 2010 at 10:16 pm

Sometimes the uniqueness of humans is daunting. Photo courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

I am currently seeing 3 people, I like them all for different reasons, and I am having fun.   Although, I do feel cheap at times, and like I am using people.   I don’t know what to do. I spend a lot of time keeping these relationships going and am running out of my own personal time.   I would also get bored if I stayed with just one. I don’t want to hurt anyone and there has been no talk of commitment, but something just doesn’t feel right.  Do you have any advice.

Your avid reader,

Morgan

Dear Morgan,

Seems to me that there are two ways to approach this: 1) look at you 2) look at the people you are choosing.  You either choose people who are one-dimensional, and are therefore unsatisfying on their own, or you are diverting attention from yourself so you don’t have to be more than one-dimensional to begin with.

Yes, it is the dimensionality of this dilemma that concerns me.  There is no law about dating one person, and no law about intimacy being a must.  The only rule I would set for dating is your own happiness, and not harming others in that pursuit.  You sound unhappy and like you are harming yourself, using dating as a diversion from sitting still with your insides.

If you find yourself bored and feel cheap, thirsty, and like a user, then you are engaging from a funny angle.  Maybe it is the nature of engagement that is the trouble, and not the choice of partners.  Are you sleeping with them quickly?  Disclosing large secrets about yourself to each one?  Is it too much too soon?  Or are you running too hard towards each other, leaving not enough breathing room?

Dating is a matrix and only you know your own point of entry.  Take a breather, maybe a night off or a morning coffee break if you can’t handle life without the dates.  Look at the different components of this situation.  A)  Who are these people you are dating?  Do you actually like them?  B)  How do you engage them?  With your genitals? Your mind?  Your heart?  All of the above?  C)  What would your ideal partner look like, the person that wouldn’t leave you bored?  D)  What is wrong with you?  Seriously.  Why are you feeling so thirsty and at once so un-sated?  Are you maybe too old for “fun,” in the traditional lacking depth concept of the word?  What are you using these dates to avoid?

Just hunker down and figure your junk out.  It should be easy, then, to decipher a battle plan.  Maybe you need five partners, maybe you need none.  Maybe you need to talk more, hang out less, stop snorting drugs on your dates: change whatever it is that keeps things from feeling interesting.  When life gets dull there is ALWAYS a way to liven things up.  More often than not, though, that dullness comes from within us, a sounding board reminding us to stay on course.

Meditation could help, anything to assist you in turning inwards and finding your answers.  For more on dating multiple partners, click here.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Merissa Nathan Gerson is a fan of
Ask Your Yenta

When You Love A Loser

In Dating, Drama, Mental Health on April 21, 2010 at 8:22 pm

Ike was feeding off of Tina's power.

Dear Yenta,

I recently fell in love again with the wrong person. This is a habit that now annoys me because I know what I am doing wrong and still do it. The man is wrong for me because he, quite honestly, is completely crazy. He is violent, irrational, sadistic, unkind and completely ruthless and unpredictable. You probably wonder why I am with him. I see so much beauty in him when he is not being mean. I don’t know, Yenta, what to do now because I am in this, and he has an effect on me that I can’t resist. Help. I know I am smarter than this.

-Self-Crucified

Dear SC,

My first questions for you would be to ask, how bored are you? How happy? How supported and how stimulated? When we take ourselves out of healthy living environments and live in places that draw on our weaknesses, it can be nearly impossible to resist temptation. Your job is to cultivate a life that easily yields healthy choices. And in the process, forgive yourself because self-sabotage is American women’s middle name.

One friend suggests Pema Chodron’s Getting Unstuck on ways to overcome and understand addictive life habits. While alcoholics and narcotics abusers are ushered into meetings for their addictions, women addicted to loving harmful people might not find their support group so easily. (See below for a list of support groups.) You have a problem. For whatever reason you are bending your power and walking towards these “wrong people” with an open heart. You need to face yourself, be honest, and do so with assistance.

Sometimes fierce and bored women choose men that are toxic because it is thrilling, stimulating, an exercise for the mind, body and spirit, a game of survival. Others choose these men because they can’t accept their own goodness, can’t stomach their power and brilliance. You know which of these you are. Work on finding the root to this action. Why would love look like this to you? Professional help could be a great avenue for finding those answers.

And finally, this love is not “love” as much as an addiction to a feeling, ie, “it hurts so good.” There is a rush that comes from being emotionally tortured, but not a lasting one. In that moment it is like when a cat is dropped from a high height and always lands on its feet. You sort of plunge yourself into the depths and get off on the test, finding your footing despite being tripped so hard.

So figure out what it will take to find that footing, that love, that peace inside without needing the eyes of someone with a critical voice and an unstable core. Stop “falling in love with their potential” as one friend puts it, and start being honest with yourself about the whole package. He is nice in the morning, but mean at night. Ok. So nice only comes then, in the morning, and you might need to seek the dude who is nice always, even when angry. Anger is fair, violence and cruelty are not. Advance accordingly.

Read Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change by Robin Norwood or
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

For help and/or basic questions, try an Al-Anon meeting in your city. While the program is designed for people who love alcoholics, the method of this group applies to people who love anyone addicted to self-abuse. What you describe is the pattern of a woman who might benefit from this support network.

In an emergency, or again, with basic questions/help contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

You can also create your own support group as I guaruntee you are not alone. Working with a group of friends to help support each other in setting higher love standards is effective, you can even create your own 12-Steps/Sponsor system where you work through your pasts together and choose people to be on call in dating emergencies.

Take this quiz, “Are You A Bad Boy Addict” from YourInspiration.info:

Are you a genuine Bad Boy Addict? Let’s see.

1. Are you always looking at the cocky, macho type guy who seems tough?

2. Do you want the guy who struts his stuff and exudes sexuality?

3. Will you have sex with a guy who obviously is using you for sex only?

4. Have friends told you that you let men abuse you?

5. Do you only want a man who is distant, independent, and very self confident?

6. Do you choose a man who will quickly physically fight to protect you?

7. When a relationship begins, do you think you can change your man?

8. Do you let a man hurt you physically?

9. Do you let a man criticize you, put you down, and still want him?

10. Do only players turn you on?

11. Are you always available for your loser lover?

12. Does your man always seem unavailable and unpredictable?

13. Do you want an edgy guy who is exciting and dramatic?

14. Do you let your man cheat on you , stand you up, and take it?

15. Has your ‘bad boy’ borrowed money from you and never paid it back?

SM ISO Babysitter/Girlfriend

In Dating, Drama, Mental Health, Parents on April 14, 2010 at 11:47 pm

Mother, may I? No, thank you! Photo courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

I am dating a man 12 years my senior, who is going to court soon to gain custody of his 6-year-old son. Though he previously had custody every other weekend, he has not had a relationship with him for several years due to difficulties with the mother. When he did have custody, he relied heavily on his girlfriend at the time to help care for his child (much to the chagrin of the birth mother). He has made remarks about me playing a similar role in his son’s life. He refers to his son as “the kid” or “the little crumb snatcher” and has nightmares about hitting or molesting his child (he was molested as an adolescent by his sister’s husband). My concern is this: while I don’t mind occasionally helping out & I am sensitive to his fears, I don’t want to be used as a babysitter and/or chaperone. I also think he should bond with his son without me there. How should I deal with this situation?

-Insta-Momma

Dear Insta-Momma,

Honestly, I think you should get out of this situation. It is bad news when a man with serious issues from his childhood chooses to pass off the hard stuff to his woman. This man needs to be in therapy to remedy his nightmares, face his past, and therefore step up as father of the year.

Children grow attached to people, like women who care for them. I think we forget this when we find single Dad’s sexy, that we are dating a man AND his children. If your boyfriend is pawning off parenting on his girlfriends, then his kids are finding attachments to temporary women. Are you looking for marriage? Is this a fling for a moment or an investment forever?

Motherhood is for life. It isn’t a job you get real vacations from, or sabbatical. It is a heart contract, an action contract, and a commitment between you and the children you choose to raise. For this, we have birth control, condoms and choices. Ie, to marry or not to marry, to date or not to date, to bring life into the world, not to bring life into the world. I am, as I witness the horror of shows like 16 And Pregnant, more and more an advocate of abstinence.

Since abstinence is irrelevant, as the children already exist, and since you will probably continue to date this guy no matter what I say, here are some options. For one, set limits. Let this man-friend of yours know that you are happy to be involved – to a point. Make those limits crystal clear and if he crosses your threshold, express it. Yes, how you need to treat this guy is a lot like PARENTING. This involves being clear and being firm so that the child/boyfriend is steered in the proper direction.

Also, a gentle suggestion that he seek a remedy beyond your arms for his nightmares would be a smart move. Not only for you and for him, but for those kids. Violence and abuse recur in cycles for precisely this reason. Fear of hitting someone often results in hitting someone, because the energy bottles up and the thought is planted. Chances are he will hurt someone at some point unless he battles those demons.

It sucks, royally, when people we love were hurt in their pasts. But unless you truly love this man and want to weather many storms, remember that his past is his and you shouldn’t be the one shouldering the pain of his torment. That pain is his to resolve, and yours to know of, to rub his back, to support him, but not to carry as your own.

For parenting/step-parenting resources, see below:

Package Deal: My (not so) Glamorous Transition From Single Gal to Instant Mom by Izzy Rose

BecomingaStepmom.wordpress.com

The I Hate Being a StepMom forum.

TheStepMomsToolbox.com

Forcing Dogs On The Phobic

In Drama, Mental Health on April 10, 2010 at 4:13 pm

Sometimes our vision warps thanks to past traumas. Photo courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

I had some bad experiences with dogs when I was younger and prefer not to be around them. A lot of my friends have been getting dogs lately. Jeesh! You would think these dogs were their children! Some of them cook special vegetarian meals for them, dress them in sailor outfits and when I come to visit, they talk to the dogs more than me. Everything seems to revolve around the canines. A lot of them are ill-mannered and misbehave. I have actually been bitten by one, and my friend hardly acknowledged the event.

I love these friends and want to spend time with them but I don’t want to
hang out with their dogs. And please don’t say “meet them out somewhere”
because they’ll bring their dogs with them!! Any ideas on how to handle
this situation?

-Enough already with the dogs!

Dear EAWTD,

If you had been gang raped recently and then went to your friend’s house for dinner and she insisted on inviting large groups of strange men to join you, it would be rude. Yes? Yes. When you have been traumatized and the choices of your friends retrigger your trauma, it is something you should feel safe addressing. You need to be honest with these people, not about the humanization of animals, but about how uncomfortable you feel in their homes.

It is not a matter of sequestering the puppy, I understand that fear. People often grow protective, sometimes even defensive and vicious on the topic of wanting you to love their pets. I had one friend with a cat who would force me to pet and love it because she insisted the cat could sense my apathy towards it. It is weird and slightly controlling to presume everyone will love your newly purchased dog. Approach this friend knowing that they like mothering a bitch. Ie, be cautious with your approach and make it as about you as possible.

“I love you and I love coming over to your house, but when I was a teenager three dogs attacked me and tore off my missing pinky, the one you always ask about. Anyway, it is really hard for me to be around animals now, could we maybe keep Fido in the other room when I come over?” If they can’t honor your feelings when stated in such a way, a way that doesn’t sideline the dog and highlights your sensitivity, then maybe take a break from spending time together while they are honeymooning with their K9.

All in all it boils down to asking for what you need. It is impossible for people to resolve all their traumas at once. This looming one is one you should handle with care by finding a way to spend time with these people without inducing a panic attack. In the meantime, on your end, maybe consider this plethora of dogs as a calling to your fear, reminding you that there is something inside of you that might need conquering.

Check out this article on helping kids overcome their fear of dogs, the simplicity of her advice might be easiest to apply, or read this article on releasing yourself from this fear. You could also visit Phobia-Fear-Release.com or try buying this hypnosis video.

Jobless Boyfriend is Mooching

In Career, Dating, Drama on April 6, 2010 at 5:53 pm

He should be rubbing your feet after a long work day, not begging for cash. Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now and we love each other very much. I am 25 and he is 28 and we were best friends for a couple of years before we even started dating. However, lately some issues have been cropping up that I don’t really know what to do about.

I have always made more money than he does, and both of us are okay with that and it’s never really been an issue. I have a job that I love (but I work long hours and it doesn’t pay very well), and he is a musician who works part time. He pays when he has money, I pay the rest of the time, and we’ve never had a fight about it or anything.

The problem now is that boyfriend lost his job several months ago and while he told me at the time that he was going to do everything he could to get a new job, that hasn’t been the case. His mother convinced him that he should stay jobless and just focus on his music. She has been paying for his apartment, car, etc. to help facilitate his career. This is all great, and he is doing very well with his music career and things are really happening for him. However, this has not translated into him making money…at all. He brings in maybe $100-$200 a month. So, he is constantly asking me for gas money, food money, etc. which I really wouldn’t mind paying for except that I really don’t make enough money to feed two people, keep 2 cars full of gas, and pay my rent and bills. On top of this he is always wanting to go out to the movies, or go get a “treat” after dinner, or go out with friends to places that are a little out of my budget when I’m not paying for two people. I find it really frustrating and I know he is mooching, but at the same time, I love him and if I had the money I know I wouldn’t mind, but I really can’t afford to be spending this much money on him.

The other problem is that now that he is not working, he spends most of his time at home alone (since he doesn’t have the money to go out and do anything) and it has resulted in him being really clingy and constantly complaining about how we don’t have sex often enough and how I don’t hang out with him or sleep over enough. I see him almost every day and we have sex about 3 times a week and I sleep over 1 to 3 nights a week. I feel like this is pretty reasonable considering how much I work and that I have a really stressful job as well as several hobbies I take part in and I am working on starting my own business.

Essentially, how do I talk to him about this in a kind and gentle way so that he doesn’t feel attacked? He is sweet and treats me nicely, we have a ton in common, and I love him very much and I really don’t want to break up with him, but I need things to change.

–Bringing home the bacon

Deart BHTB,

What his mommy thinks is best for your boyfriend might not be what is best for your relationship. Your boyfriend IS mooching, in a sad and selfish way. You, however, don’t seem to be doing your job which is to set limits.

To begin with, you sound like you have been lying to yourself for a while. Your question begins, “I have always made more money than he does, and both of us are okay with that.” Both of you, obviously, are not ok with that. You also say, “he is a musician who works part time,” in the present tense, only to later reveal that he has been jobless for months. How long have you been feeling uncomfortable?

Some men have a tendency when given a little love, a favor, to thirst for more. It is like a disease, the “I remember what it felt like to be my mother’s prized possession” disease, one that can wreak havoc on a girlfriend’s patience.

Yes, we would all like it if people knew never to walk beyond boundaries, to never take advantage of others. But in truth, communication of need is a two person job. How is he to know that he has gone too far if for what sounds like months now, you have been biting back your words?

On the one hand, you need to stand up for yourself. On the other hand, he shouldn’t be acting out in order to wake you up. What part of “small paycheck” does his not understand? It does not translate to exorbitant spending. Your man needs to know when enough is enough, both independently and from your cues. He needs to know that you work hard, and should appreciate that fact if you are busting ass to support his extracurricular habits. So step one, should you wish to keep him, is to sit down and have an honest talk about limits. Your paycheck is not a negotiable reality, it is what is paying for your life, sans stipend from home.

This conversation could be hard because in theory you should have been articulating your limits all along. Your boo is probably testing the edge of your generosity. He might not consciously sense what he is doing, but what you describe sounds like deliberate button pushing, squeezing and molding your generosity and affection in hopes of finding where they might run thin. Think adolescent boy. You need to be the woman you are and tell him how you feel, lest you return to teenagerhood yourself.

To do so, just gently tell it like it is. Don’t accuse him. Explain your needs, your limits, etc, speaking from a personal perspective. The only way this will work is if you don’t make him out to be a jerk, rather show the flat truth of your five figure waning salary.

Also, be realistic and prepare yourself for the possibility of a tantrum on his part, a shutting down, or a lack of adult understanding. If his mommy is treating him like a king, he might expect you to do the same. No one sets rules for the king. Your boundaries, however, are your god-given right. Stand firm for taking care of yourself.

As for the job situation, I would like to give a shout out to my many artist and musician friends who do find a way to bring in cash and focus on their craft. When I worked in Adam’s Morgan in DC there were tons of well-established musicians, rockers, singers, painters and more who tended bar and pulled espresso shots. As I travel from artist residency to artist residency I can’t tell you how many people I meet who straddle artistic success and a side-job. I am not inclined to agree with his mother, not if he wants to keep you in his life. Money doesn’t grow on women.

Your boyfriend’s mom might need to stay out of it, and you need to step up the backbone. You can love someone and tell them, “no.” In fact, good pure love always seems to have a safe expression of when enough is really enough.

Public Nail Clipping

In Drama, Health and Body on April 6, 2010 at 2:57 am

Dear Yenta,

I feel like there are two types of people in the world. Those who think it’s ok to trim nails in public, and those who do not. What to do when someone starts cutting his nails right next to me on the subway, in class, or even at a restaurant?

-Nails Are Nasty

Nail clipping in public is a form of defecation.

Dear NAN,

Wow. Well, for this it completely depends on the circumstance. Is this a friend or a stranger? Where do they leave their clippings? Is it done neatly, or is it quite obviously grotesque?

Some girlfriends and I once decided to give ourselves pedicures in the grass in Dupont Circle on a sunny day. That might have been gross in and of itself. But what really repulsed us was when a man who had not bathed in a long time approached us asking if he could use our nail clipper. He stood over us and clipped away, dropping nail chunks all around us. In that case, it was our nail clippage karmic return that we brought upon ourselves.

We gave the man the nail clippers for keeps and learned a good lesson about grooming in public. It is gross, and breeds grossness. What can you do in a situation with a stranger? Get up and walk away. If the nail clipper person is bleeding or leaving flesh/nail debris in a public place, like on a bus, you can notify the driver since it is a violation of health code.

It makes me think of when people pick their nose and wipe it on the subway seats. There should be a civilian elicited ticket that we can give people who smear their body excesses in public forays.

If it is a friend, just tell it like it is. “Hey buddy, you are being repulsive. Would you mind waiting to sever the edges of extremities when I am not attempting to hold my dinner down?” There are obvious nicer ways to say it, and it is not rude to ask someone to take care of their personal hygiene in private. Another example: public flossing. This absolutely disgusts me.

Walk away, state your case, or one up the mofo and start farting or picking your nose and when they scoff just look at them calmly and say: “You started it.” Boom. The end.

He Likes Guys. He Likes Girls. Does He Like Me?

In Dating, Drama on March 31, 2010 at 7:51 pm

Choosing him as a friend or a lover can be a thin distinction. Photograph courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

I am with a man who is bisexual. He says he’s sworn off men and seems to be really into me…at times. In fact sometimes it is extremely passionate. But he is not only bisexual, but also extremely troubled mentally.

Anyway-we hung out for 9 hours the other day at my apartment and he did not make one move which I think is strange-we did not even kiss. Usually when I am with a man and it’s new (we have only been together one month) its very passionate. What to do?

-Does He Like Me?

Dear DHLM,

You have given me lots of random tidbits, but I don’t completely see how they connect. From your question I don’t totally see what his bisexuality has to do with anything, except that you doubt his attraction for you. This could be the case with anyone, and does not necessarily have any bearing on his attraction to men. There are lots of things that can be happening here. My first inclination is that you don’t like this guy/are overwhelmed and confused by his nature.

Something may simply be amiss with him, or between the two of you, not related to sexual preference. Some relationships start physically wild, and others don’t. Some people are comfortable with doubling up on both emotional and physical intimacy, and others aren’t. It is possible that you and your man just need to move slowly if your connection warrants nine hour conversations. Long deep talks and long deep kissing is sometimes a lot to handle in one day.

Because you have been dating for less than six months and are already full of doubts, maybe convert this relationship into a friendship – as soon as possible. They say that it should be easy at first. I don’t always buy this, but I do believe that if you doubt their attraction for you it is a deeper issue. In those six first months, whether you are doing it daily or saving yourself for the lord, at the very least you should feel undoubtedly wanted.

You could talk to him, but I don’t think there is much to ask. “Do you like me?” That is awkward, and should be obvious by now. He might have deeper issues which you could try to discover via conversation. It is all a matter of how much wading through someone else’s demons you are up for.

Why, a better question to ask, are you drawn to him? What of yourself do you see in this man? What are you meant to learn from this encounter about your own inner workings?

Sounds to me like you got yourself a buddy more than a boyfriend, and in the end, there’s no crime in that.