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Archive for the ‘Mental Health’ Category

They Hate Me Because I Am Hot

In Drama, Mental Health on March 2, 2010 at 10:13 am

Bitches get stitches. Although, in the unfair real world, beauty queens get stitches.

Dear Yenta,

I just realized that my best friend is a psycho. We go to grad school together and became instant buddies- we hang out all the time.

Lately, we’ve been fighting a lot. I haven’t had these types of conflicts since high school. It all started when a guy she’d mentioned she thought was cute asked me out. She has literally never talked to him, he’s just a dude among many that she’s said she thinks is attractive (we go to a big school). When I told her I was considering going out with him she FREAKED out. She cried all day and said she was having a mental break down. At the time I attributed this to other stress, but now I’m just starting to think she’s crazy.

Earlier this week she told me that another friend had been talking about me behind my back. When she told me what they’d said I was upset and confronted the person. I was so upset that I jumped to conclusions about what the person had meant and it turned out to be a big miscommunication. I worked it out with the third party, but my friend is now accusing me of being crazy and making her look like snitch. She actually called me and basically bitched me out about it. Now she’s giving me the silent treatment! PLEASE HELP ME! I feel silly even explaining this situation – it’s so juvenile! For some reason, though, it’s really upsetting me.

I am really shocked by all of this because I have been friends with this person for about six months and all of these things have only started happening in the past few weeks. Should I cut my losses or try to work it out? She’s one of my only girlfriends at school and it makes me sad to think that our friendship is over.

-Caught in the Drama

Dear CITD,

Your friend sounds like a mean disaster. For help on whether to salvage or ditch this friendship, see “BF(Forget It).”

For you, though, I am more interested in addressing a whole other possible dilemma. One thing we all do as we age is repeat patterns unknowingly. It sucks the life out of many of us until we learn the hard lessons negative behaviors eventually yield.

In this particular case it sounds as if you have a problem reliving old faulty relationship patterns. It is as if your problem is that you are pretty and your friend has a problem because she is insecure. When I was fifteen I used to have fights like this. All the boys loved my best friend romantically and I would often break down, always seen as a friend by guys. Everyone had a hot friend along the road who by comparison made them feel ugly. You are probably that hot friend.

So? So hot girls have it rough too. As they get hot, many people begin to hate on them. I remember hearing stories on the news of girls in New Jersey public schools who were slashed with knives to ruin their beautiful faces. Jealous and insecure women can be horribly vicious.

Your friend’s full-on breakdown is probably about her and her own demons. Your action hardly warranted hysteria. You and that unshakeable upset feeling might be something different. Everything in life, my grandfather said, can be learned from. He never, however, said that even hot girls need to learn to love themselves with time.

Look at your repetoire of voices from your past. Were you ever compared to someone? A family member, a friend, someone who was not as hot or gorgeous as you? Someone for whom you were asked to forget your beauty, blur your beauty, or more likely, feel guilty about your beauty? This is common among sisters, best friends, cousins. Is it possible that you are reliving those moments now, the moments where you were told to hate yourself for being so damn pretty?

Recipe for the hot hated girl: re-visit your body, your face, your perfect hair and see if you can remember who said what about you in the past. Check in the emotional mirror and try and find what messages are attached to your striking looks. Chances are you have learned to use them to open some doors and close others, and not always at the correct moments.

While everyone was seeing your facade, you were and are still breathing behind it. See if you can do the hard work to balance your interior and exterior. I don’t know what to do with this friend, but I do know that this situation is full of nuggets of life lessons. Remember that her pain is her pain, that no one owns a man, and that it is never ok to let someone else put their skeletons in your closet. Seeing more clearly could help you weather her emotional storm.

Also, some of these negative patterns, finding friends who force us to relive the ugly moments of our past, are best addressed with a trained professional. Especially when those friends are backstabbing liars. Beauty can have dire consequences, and to really see what these were, it might be nice to have someone hold your emotional hand.

To further explore this issue of feeling guilty and/or being persecuted for being gorgeous, read:

“When Other Women Hate You Because You’re Beautiful,” by Ms. JD
“Is It Normal To Hate Beautiful Girls,” in Teen Magazine
Wanting to Be Her: Body Image Secrets Victoria Won’t Tell You by Michelle Graham
and The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty are Used Against Women by Naomi Wolf

He Ignores My Safe Word

In Health and Body, Mental Health, Sex on February 22, 2010 at 8:56 pm

Dear Yenta,

If you really love your husband but he’s into S & M and it hurts (or you don’t enjoy it, especially since he doesn’t listen when you use your safe word) how to you address the issue sensitively?

Sincerely,

S. Monarch, Newport, RI

An effort towards ending sexual violence, the kind that isn't fun. TakeBackTheNight.org

Dear S,

Again, in the old adage of Take Back the Night marching chants, “Yes means yes, no means no, however we dress, wherever we go.” That “No” includes safe words.

For those unaware, lets define these terms. (Also, see “Doing it Rough, Safe”) UrbanDictionary.com defines S & M as:
“Sadomasochism. When sexual gratification is received by inflicting and/or enduring painful activities, this does not have to be exclusively during intercourse. Whips and chains are often considered S&M paraphernalia, as well as bondage collars, spiked jewelry, etc. May also stand for slave and master.”

In layman’s terms, S & M is rough CONSENSUAL sex that may involve role-playing, dominance, pain etc.

A “safe word” is another word for no. This is so that you can yell “No!” and be faux violated, whereas the safe word, agreed upon by both the dominant and the submissive, really means “desist.” The safe word is the emergency exit in a rough game, a way for the submissive party to assert their voice when the pain is no longer pleasurable.

For S & M to be healthy, this word must be respected. If your husband is ignoring you when you use a code word for no it means one of two things. A) You two did not carefully discuss and establish this word, its implications, and how and when and why it would be used before engaging in your sexual practice. Or B) Your husband is ignoring you when you say “no” and continuing to play rough, which at this point crosses the line from consensual BDSM to plain old abuse/rape.

Consent is the compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another. When intercourse is performed without consent, i.e., forcibly continuing to roughly screw your wife while ignoring her repeated attempt to say no, this is rape. So? So I only say this to name the beast and reiterate that it is not ok for anyone to physically push someone, especially when play violence is involved, beyond their stated verbal and/or physical limit. Assuming you set your safe word up together, you set a clear boundary for your husband and he actively violated it.

Where do we go from here? If you love dressing like a sea monkey and he enjoys dressing like a merman, so be it. But what if he loves whipping women and you love being softly caressed by the light of the moon? Here, we come to a sexual crossroads.

Again, the number one key to a healthy sex life is communication. Only you know if your husband is violently abusing you, or if you forgot somewhere along the lines to properly communicate the meaning of your safe word.

In general, S & M practices often require a contract, a conversation, a ground rules session before practice. Maybe go together to a BDSM introduction, like this one, to better understand how to play the game. Re-establish your Sadomasochist law and be sure your husband knows what pleasure does looks like to you. Or, try reading The Loving Dominant, which should help you find a way to make S & M safe and loving for you.

My inclination, though, is to say this man is bad news, whether you love him or not. I am not a fan of marital rape, no ma’am, not whatsoever. You might need to call into a hotline like RAINN 1-800-656-HOPE just to discuss this more, just to clarify what is happening in your bedroom. Also, sex therapy is a great option for a married couple with disparate sexual tastes.

Just be sure to look out for number one. If his pleasure implies your demise, and demolition is not your thing, than take a step back and be sure this is a bed you want to be lying in. As we said on our late night anti-rape marches, “No means no, it doesn’t mean maybe.”

Can’t Stop Fantasizing While With Man

In Dating, Mental Health, Sex on February 19, 2010 at 12:52 am

Dan rubbed her feet, but Fabio was Roseanne's leading man.

Dear Yenta,

I’m living with a boyfriend but can’t stop thinking about another man. How do I stop thinking about the other man? This would be especially helpful during sex.

-Wandering Eye

Dear WE,

There was an episode of the L-Word that debated whether fantasizing is cheating. According to their rubrix, one said acting on fantasy is cheating, but doing it isn’t, while the other said when you start wanting something besides that which you have, it is time to go because you are cheating.

If you are wishing for someone else, it means you aren’t able to be present with the dude in front of you. This psychological exit means something, and it is up to you to determine why it is you can’t mentally remain in the room in the arms of your man.

What is driving your fantasy? Desiring another while being with a committed lover can mean a million things. It can mean you don’t like your homeslice anymore, or that you feel trapped and suffocated and this fantasy is a way of exiting and expressing, quietly, your freedom. Maybe he is terrible in bed and you can’t stand it.

You could be totally in love and totally scared and this fantasy is a lifeline to life beyond, keeping you grounded. Or, still, you could be curious and lusting for more, maybe even for an open relationship. (See PiggyBack Dating)

Only you know if you love one, and not the other, if your relationship is dead, if you need to be testing the waters right now. Roseanne loved her husband Dan, but she always fantasized about Fabio when sleeping with him. Dan had Fabio’s head and that’s how she did it. It didn’t, however, mean she was set to leave her husband: she loved him.

But you aren’t Roseanne, and this isn’t the L-Word, and fantasizing about someone else besides the one you are with might be a very simple sign that it is time to move on. It means that something is fishy, and needs to be scoped out. The way to make it stop is to determine what is missing and then remedy the situation so you can be present, enjoying the lover you actually have. Or, go live your fantasy.

Where is My “Home?” Right Here, Silly!

In Health and Body, Mental Health on February 15, 2010 at 7:38 pm

Poor little rugrat.

Yenta,

I have no address. I don’t know where home is. Sometimes it seems to be wherever I am not. Is there a solution please?

-Floating

Dear F,

This is a familiar tale, believe you me. Gerson literally means “stranger from a strange land.” I once had a boyfriend who said to me, “Oh, you haven’t found a home in yourself yet? I always know where home is because I found it inside of me.” This was particularly annoying to hear, and only a half-truth about said male at the time, but within these words is a nugget of wisdom.

Home is, as they say, where the heart is. And in the U.S. of A. we do a good job of swathing our hearts in things like denial, repression and avoidance. Solution to all problems: get in touch with your heart. This sounds cheesy and/or easy, but it is neither cheesy nor easy.

Getting into your own personal chest and hearing and feeling the contents can be near torture, depending on what kind of things are stored there. Whether it be a giant grief unmourned or a complicated secret, or none of the above and just a simple lack of connection, it will take a hot minute to reach yourself.

That’s why, ladies and gentlemen, exercise, prayer, meditation, group support meetings, therapy, whatever your avenue of choice, these things are vital. In order to access the self we need love and we need community, and in order to find home, well, we need these things too.

A few starters? Try these heart-opening yoga poses, or this heart-opening breathing practice. Another beautiful way to begin to move towards an opening of the heart, wake up and read The Heart Sutra every morning. Things will shift within days, I promise.

A community can be online or worldwide or a small group of meditators, churchgoers, needlepointers. Either way, imagine your heart only beats with strings threaded through it and tethered to nearby perches. These strings, if not tied, will leave you feeling “homeless.”

Another issue many people have is never loving where they are, always wanting more, and therefore never feeling home. The grass is always greener syndrome. While it is good and important to have dreams and vision, it is a bad sign when wherever you go there you aren’t. Again, things like yoga, breathing, meditation and plain old exercise will help you be where you are, which is home, in your own body. Running, for the non-spiritual, is another fantastic remedy.

All in all, my ex was right. With or without an address, if you feel calm and at peace in your own physical body, mind and spirit, that feeling of “home” will follow you wherever you go.

Loving Yourself on Valentine’s Day

In Breakups/Divorce, Drama, Mental Health on February 14, 2010 at 3:18 am

Cake Love is Self-Love. Photo courtesy of LadyGlockPhotography.wordpress.com

Dear Yenta,

It’s Valentine’s Day and I have no one right now. I am in-between relationships. I don’t know how I should feel about the day. Is it ok to feel lonely? Should I give into it? I am so afraid I am going to go into a dark space, going down deep into pain. I don’t want to be desperate, but I feel pathetic. Is this ok/normal? How should I spend Valentine’s Day?

Sincerely,

Single on the Fourteenth

Dear SOTF,

There are many types of people in the world. People who have spent a lot of time alone, people who are always in relationships, people who are terrified of solitude. There is no right way to be, no best form, there is just where you are. And on Valentine’s Day, depending on who you are and where your love stars fall, life can feel like a rung of someone’s sick version of hell.

But, the good news is plentiful. For one, Valentine’s Day is just a day! Yes, come Monday, boom, it is gone. And then, the gifts on Valentine’s Day that are meant to be received are awesome; chocolate, flowers, orgasms. And third, you are your best friend, so step up to the plate tomorrow and make it a day you will never forget.

There are no laws against self-loving on the “most romantic day of the year.” Seeing that real love knows no calendar date, you can rest assured that your real Valentine’s Day may come in June or December. Just chill, and begin a day of long slow loving. Make breakfast plans with yourself . Walk to the nearest café and get a latte and a chocolate croissant and the Sunday Times and sit for hours.

When you wake up, kiss your own hand, thank yourself for the amazing life you have given yourself, for keeping yourself alive. Try not to spend energy on what you don’t have, use what you do. Like, say, for example a bathtub. Take a bath, burn some tea lights. And if you want, on this one day, have a brandy in the tub. I am dead serious: whatever it is that is your indulgence, give in. Whether it be yoga or pancakes, go there.

You might just need some vision. Where do you want to go that you never go? Go to a museum, take a long drive alone to somewhere new, take a hike, get a long slow brunch. Go to the batting cages! I love the batting cages. Just make a date, like you would with a partner, but with yourself.

Cook yourself something amazing. And, my favorite, order yourself gifts. Why on earth wait for someone else to give you love if you have a well of it to dish out? Order some flowers and have them delivered. Watch the Olympics and enjoy that knock on the door, with a bouquet and a note, “Thanks for always being there.”

It is always ok to feel lonely because loneliness means you hear your heart. And believe me, you are not the only one. What is not ok is to give in to the voices that condemn you for your solitude, your single status, or anything else the demons of the mind might conjure up.

Another great way to spend the day? Give to someone else. Get beyond yourself and visit a hospital with a pile of valentines. Other people are alone too, and your smile might make their day, and yours. Think about giving compliments to friends, visiting a nursing home or a soup kitchen. Give that love you would have given to a lover to the people in your community who need it most.

Whatever you do, plan yourself a badass Valentine’s Day now, and let someone else do the loving for you later, when the time is right and you are ready to share the gushing love in your massive heart with just one.

Try Toys In Babeland!
Or ordering brownies from Zingerman’s.
Or getting a new Yoga membership.
Or finding a silent retreat.
Or committing to running a marathon.
Or finding a new Stitch N’ Bitch.
Or try dancing, like nobody’s business, completely naked and alone.

My TV’s Got a Hold On Me

In Health and Body, Mental Health on February 9, 2010 at 11:56 pm

Turn your TV into a fishtank with help from Aquahobby.com, but keep your Hulu account.

Yenta,

I think I watch too much TV. This past month, I started watching an Australian rodeo soap opera from the eighties with alarming regularity (3-4 hours a day, give or take). It has reached the point that I occasionally lapse into an Australian accent in my mind and think of the main characters as close friends. I know I should be doing something more productive, but I lack self-control when it comes to remotes. It’s cold out and I’m not the only American planted in front of the tellie for long hours, but with seven more seasons to go, I’m a little worried for my sanity. How much television is too much? Should I pull the plug?

Sincerely,
Sweet Couch Potato

Dear Sweet Couch Potato,

When I taught creative writing to juvenile delinquents, everyone wanted to go outside and smoke during our break. Seeing that my students ranged in age from 12-18, it was highly unlikely that I would ever let them out. Instead, we played a little breathing game. I had everyone who was aching to smoke raise their hand. “How bad do you want it?” I would ask. “So bad” they would answer.

Then, we all sat and breathed for maybe three minutes. They surprisingly loved this, silent breathing. I told them to just listen to their breath, in and out, in and out. Five minutes later I asked of they still wanted to smoke and no one raised their hand. My point? Addictions seem like necessities until the moment passes and we forget what we wanted to begin with.

I.e., when Mondays come I ache for The Bachelor and sit there for two whole hours numbing out to some sadistic dating nosedives. It feels like I can’t live without it, but in truth, what would I do for those two hours without the TV? You know the answer. I would read a book, write a book, make art, exercise, cry…any number of things far more productive than sitting and watching these women crush themselves for a vapid aviator.

Too much TV is when a) you can’t control how much you watch b) when it is keeping you from doing the things you need to do c) it is used to avoid dealing with your own feelings. Remember, though, TV is not wholly the devil. There are merits here. It can be a source of mental relief, a source of connection (think Millionaire Matchmaker), and a source of education. But when the TV prevents you from facing your feelings or doing your work, then its time to shut that bad boy down. You know if this relationship has gone too far.

Pulling the plug seems impossible, but I promise, like my teenaged badass students, you will be surprised by how little you miss your crutch when it is gone.

Living without a television is empowering and permits opportunities to find deeper parts of yourself. Pull the plug! All in all a happy Hulu medium is great. Online television is the best because unlike a TV, accessing it is a bit more involved, which means you need to be more conscious about turning it on. Limit yourself to one show a day or week, if possible. Then, watching Gossip Girl or Aussie trash or Extreme Paranormal will feel like icing on your day’s cake. Some of us need TV, in moderation, to give our brains a rest from introspection.

Take this TV Addiction Quiz from TrashYourTV.com: Your Complete Guide to a TV-Free Lifestyle.

Also check out Kill Your Television, especially this Television Addiction Identification and Self-Help Guide.

One more: The Center for Screen Time Awareness at www.TVTurnOff.org.

Addicted to A-Holes

In Dating, Drama, Mental Health on February 9, 2010 at 12:00 am

It is time to look elsewhere for the love you used to find in boy-toys. (Photo of Jenny Holzer postcard)

Dear Yenta,

I just graduated college where I had some lovely boyfriends.
After these guys I thought I was over being treated badly by men.

Now, since I’ve graduated, I keep getting into these relationships with
guys that don’t treat well. I keep saying that I want a meaningful
relationship, but I put myself in situations with guys that are only
interested in sex, then end up hurt.

But, those are the only guys I meet!

How do you make meaningful relationships after college?

-Confused Post Grad

Dear CPG,

Honey, you absolutely do not have to date everyone you meet. Oye, just imagine. Meaningful relationships begin with the self. The difference between life in college and life after can be enormous. In college, for some, it is a safe cocoon where people can be trusted and support networks abound. When we feel safe, we tend to make safe choices because we choose out of something beyond need. In those cases, relationships are perks, not crutches.

After college, however, it is like being thrust from a womb. No more emotional umbilical chords, no more unlimited meal plans. Just think about the shit you are faced with: insurance, rent, jobs, strangers, an entire world as your oyster, feeding yourself, clothing yourself, and wandering the terrain of your own mind. That is heavy, and in college so many of those things were tied into a single package. Loans or no loans: getting needs met was a one-time shopping deal.

So, this leaves us at dating. This wild open new post-college world is a dating mecca, for some. But for others, this time outside of the cradle is torture. If life is at all hard, it could fuel your decisions. This means that you are choosing “the ones you meet,” even though they suck, as if having one is a necessity. If the pickings are slim, it is ok to stop harvesting the crop and wait for a better season.

If you are thirsty for sex, invest in a more extensive masturbatory regimen. Check out Toys in Babeland to cultivate a more exciting relationship with your own body to tide you over and keep you from your unhealthy dependence on bad men.

Choosing bad relationships is common, and related to clinging and cleaving to someone in fear and desperation. Ie, if alone, you might have to hear your thoughts, face your heart, deal with your vision of yourself/your career/your future. By seeking the eyes of another, you can easily defer this job to them. They get to love you when you don’t love you.

Too bad that system sucks. When you don’t love you, nine times out of ten, neither will they. Use this time to figure out what hurts that you are letting men walk on you. This bad string of men are simply teaching you about your heart and how to guard it for the knight in shining armor to come. For a gentle way to get to know yourself, your strengths and your demons try The Artist’s Way.

I suggest hunkering down with a good book and some hot cocoa, writing in a journal, making some solid girlfriends and waiting this low season out. Work on your life and loving yourself; this is how meaningful relationships emerge. The ones you meet don’t mean they are the ones you are meant to be with. They are just there, and so are you, too precious to shell out your heart to whichever bozo happens to be waiting on your corner. When you do find a meaningful relationship it will be easy and fueled by mutual admiration, not desperation.

For more dating help, try reading If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl.

Also, re-read: Top 10 Ways to Meet Singles on how to meet better single friends, and, eventually, a better circle of men.

Truckboy Was Crooked

In Dating, Drama, Mental Health, Roommates, Sex on February 7, 2010 at 6:44 pm

Ok! For this one, I deliver first the answer, and then the question.

Answer: Education always comes first and is never selfish. No matter how crooked, long, wide, or weeny your boyfriend’s penis, your education STILL comes first. Let go of any man who abandons you repeatedly, causes extreme and regular crying, and shows little to no signs that he loves you. Be wary of using sex with men like drugs, they will not lead you to personal truth.

To you, my confused young friend, I advise a career in fiction writing and a potential year of celibacy.

An Escalade might be huge, but it won't get you a job or intellectual satisfaction.

Question:

Dear Yenta,

For funnsies I’ll call everyone I’m speaking of by the car they drive

Explorer, my most recent boyfriend, and I started dating about two and a half years ago. At the time I was living in Santa Fe, and he in Albuquerque. After a few months of dating, we decided that I would transfer to UNM and move to ABQ. In January, after I’d moved down there to be closer to him he told me that he was planning to go away for the summer to Mexico and then he wanted to do an internship in Spain for the Fall semester. This absolutely freaked me out. I became very sick in February and Explorer was too busy to take care of me. I wasn’t able to leave the house for I could not stand or walk for 5 days. So one of my roommates friends, Honda, was there to take care of me. Later on Explorer told me that he was definitely going to Mexico for two months and he wasn’t sure that he was committed to the relationship. I decided that I didn’t have to be either.

Come Spring break, I dreamt that I was interested in exploring things with Honda. I sat with those feelings for Honda for another two months before I did anything about it. In May, towards the end of the semester I went to Honda’s apartment and we made out for a long time. The next day I broke up with Explorer. Honda and I saw each other for a couple weeks, and then we broke up too. A month later I got back together with Explorer for a couple weeks before he went on his Mexico trip. It was then obvious that he wasn’t going to Spain anymore. We agreed that it wasn’t appropriate to wait for each other. So we went on our ways. In three months I slept with four guys. I realized after being kinda slutty that I wanted to be in a relationship where the person treated me fairly and wanted a commitment again.

A month after Explorer returned from Mexico we started dating again. We both decided to let our little other fling things subside and we were back into a pretty serious relationship in a matter of weeks. He said to me that he was planning on going to grad school in about a year, at the time it was October. Nothing else seemed to matter, not even that our relationship was on a clock. He moved in with me after he finished his undergrad degree. He started working at a Diner. He was reading a lot, running, biking, and going on backpacking trips with his friends. Meanwhile, I’m doing lots of busy school work. We had the most incredible year together: massages, cooking, watching movies, doing yoga, hanging with friends, loving each other deeply, and bla bla bla.

So a friend of ours, Toyota, short, gay, latino, pretty silly, moved into the apartment next door. Toyota and I became closer very quickly and it probably had something to do with the fact that we’re both Scorpios and love to talk about sex. One day I was upset with Explorer for not wanting to have sex with me very often because he was jerking off too much. Explorer already had a pretty low libido and I over here am a well oiled machine that likes to get it at least every other day if not every day. So I complained to Toyota about this tragedy at the laundromat. I shared with him my many issues with the relationship: he drinks to much, looks at porn & J’s it almost everyday, expects me to bend over backwards; calls it “making plans together”, makes messes all the time, makes fun of me for things that are inappropriate (old men; food), he doesn’t like to talk about anything deep, unavailable to talk about emotional things, and doesn’t like to kiss during sex. However it wasn’t always this way, that’s the hardest thing. He was getting bored of me and it was driving me crazy.

In a nutshell, after sharing all these things with Toyota he tells me that Explorer shared with him that he was planning to move away. I was furious. First of all I knew nothing about it, and as I started talking to more of our friends about it, I realized that I was the ONLY one that didn’t know. I was so embarrassed. I forced him to tell me what was going on. He was planning to move to Lake Tahoe to be a ski instructor for the winter and then wanted to start grad school at the University of Reno in the Spring. I had told him that I wanted to negotiate a way that I could move with him. I offered setting up a National Student Exchange to a city that we could both go to. He didn’t want to, he just wanted to leave. The whole time before he left I was crying all the time, uncontrollably. Obviously, he left. He moved everything out of my apartment back to his parents house. He told me that he wanted me to come visit him during my winter break. I agreed. We agreed that we would try to work out a long distance relationship. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to wait for him for very much time. I knew that I was also too angry with him to wait.

The morning he left, December 7, I waddled my crying self to Toyota’s apartment. He was living there with three guys, one who’s name is Acura. I thought Acura was pretty hot and had thought so since he moved in. That day I also talked to Explorer’s mother. She said that she thought that Explorer was going to come back to me, however she knew that he needed to find whatever he was looking for. It was my finals week. I cried every day for 6-10 hours. My eyes were swollen and I made myself sick as a beast. I wasn’t able to get anything done, and I didn’t do very well on my exams. I was also extremely jealous. He was giving me the vibes that he was looking for someone else to hook up with during his first week there. He basically told me that he wasn’t looking for anyone but if they showed up he wouldn’t say no.

I went back to my old job in Santa Fe during winter break. I was working full time so it helped with all the pain I was enduring. I stayed with my mother in her bed when I stayed in SF. I love my mom, however it is hard to sleep with her, let alone the fact that I was so lonely and wanted my Explorer back.

After ten days I stopped crying as much. I spent a lot of time with Acura studying and eating. There was hints that he liked me. I kept talking to Toyota about it. It took a while and then Toyota finally admitted that Acura did indeed like me too. On New Year’s Eve, I went out to a party with Toyota and his other hotty for the night. Acura was spending time with his family. So at this party I ran into a guy that I’d had the hots for ever since I met Explorer, name: Truckboy. They were old roommates and running buddies. Bad I know. Truckboy and I danced all night, he kissed my neck, and at the end of the night we pecked each other, no tongue. He asked me to stay the night with him, I said no, he said it would be just cuddling, I still said no. Now Toyota was super angry about it because he felt that Truckboy crossed the friend’s ex-girlfriend rule thing.

The next day was New Year’s day. A bunch of the boys from next door and I went ice skating and then we went for late night tacos, and then we went home to watch a movie. Now, Toyota AND Acura invited me to stay the night. They all live in one bedroom, so privacy is shaky. We watched a movie. Toyota fell asleep. Acura and I went to the third base. He wanted to have sex but I said no. Let me mention that dick size is rather important to me, and Acura’s cock is a few notches bigger in the girth department than Explorers and it’s straighter. The next day Acura asked me where our thing was going. Now I had bought a ticket to visit Lake Tahoe for January 10th. I told Acura that I had to go to Tahoe to figure out what I was doing. I went to work that day and spent time with my mom and we discussed the details of the situation. I decided that I didn’t need to go to Tahoe and that it would be better to break up. It also bothered me that if I went to Tahoe that I would probably miss the opportunity for anything to come of Acura and I… even though I’m not looking for a relationship, I could settle for a casual sexual thingamajig, with communication and whatnot.

The next day, Jan 3, Explorer and I broke up. It was pretty mutual. He didn’t seem like he was completely committed to the relationship either. At the end of the conversation he said that he still wanted me to come to Tahoe. I thought he was crazy. It took me until Jan 6 to finalize that I wasn’t going to visit. When I made that decision I was very clear that we were breaking up. I was ready to let the whole thing go and move on with my life. On Jan 7 I spent the night with Acura and we went to the 3rd base again. I still felt that I wasn’t ready to have sex.

After that Acura got really busy and started ignoring me. Toyota told Explorer about Truckboy hitting on me. It wasn’t like Truckboy was completely responsible, I was very responsive… lol. I was in Santa Fe on Jan 12 and went for beers with Truckboy and his best friend Bobby. During beer drinkage, Explorer randomly called Bobby, and we immediately had to acknowledge the huge gorilla in the room. Bobby told Explorer that I was there not knowing that there had been any confrontation between Toyota and Explorer about Truckboy and I. We agreed on a believable alibi for hanging out and that night I went home with Truckboy. He and I also went to the third base. However, Truckboy’s penis size was a few notches smaller than Explorer’s, so I felt that I didn’t want to go there with Truckboy again.

I found out on Jan 14 that Explorer was pretty upset that Truckboy was hitting on me and thought that I was going to have sex with him. I didn’t want to be jealous about something that wasn’t something to be jealous over. So I had to confront him about it. Now Explorer is trying to get me to wait for him when he comes to visit in March. He hasn’t told me how long he’s going to be here for. He hasn’t decided if he’s going to move back for the summer, and he wants to go on a trip. He may also decide to go to grad school in Reno next Fall. He decided not to go to school this semester. So he has no reason to stay in Tahoe after the season ends. I see that no where in any of this that he’s thinking about me. He just wants me to wait for him until March, and then there’s no other commitment.

On Jan 15 I saw a friend that I’m attracted to. I’ll call him Cadillac. He’s not connected to this whole slew of gossip between friends. None of my friends, not even Toyota knows I’m talking to him. We had lunch. At the end of our conversation we admitted to each other that we would potentially like to start a casual sexual relationship together. He does know my friends. However with discretion and trust it would be easy for us to have some intimate human contact without the drama. We made a pinky swear at the end to our complete secrecy — maybe there will be something and maybe there won’t.

So what I see now is
Explorer wants me to wait for him in March with all of the above mentioned BS
Acura and I may have something
Cadillac and I may have something
Truckboy is out of the question
I want to be selfish, think about myself, and focus on school because my #1 priority is to school and being successful in my educational endeavors.

I do love Explorer. I can see myself being with him for a long time. I’m learning though that I have to not waste time on things that haven’t happened. I can’t be with him the way I want to. I know that if he were here that I wouldn’t be interested in other people. I acknowledge that ALL of this is in reaction to him having left me.

I come from a family that highly values sobriety, independence, and celibacy when needed. My childhood upbringing led me on a path of challenging and sometimes spiritual confrontation. I learnt that relationships could not be had out of codependence, fear, or addiction to substances or sex. Well, and what I found is that I’ve had no relationship that was void of all of those things. I understand that I need to find a place within myself where I can attract people to me that are “right” for me; and that I have to be that for them.

So… How do you know when it’s time to let go?

Med School Vs. Art School

In Career, Health and Body, Mental Health on February 4, 2010 at 3:11 am

Dear Yenta,

I’ve had seven internships over the course of eight years because I’m afraid of job commitment, and haven’t found anything that excites me. I finally chose a career path to become a physician because I wanted to make a difference.

Although I got accepted and will get a free ride, I’m not excited and am confused. I view myself as more of an artist than an intellect, and want to pursue my art, although I want to help others and know I am good with people. What should I do?

-Lost in Med Schol

Jenny Holzer does what she loves AND helps the world.

Dear LIMS,

Have you really not found anything that excites you? Or is it more a matter of not allowing yourself to do the things that turn you on? Honestly, honey, eight years is long enough to spend avoiding your dreams. Art school beckons your name.

Why on earth would you go to med school if it does not excite you? You want to do good in the world and help others, so do good and help others. This is not limited to physically saving lives in an ER, it extends to every moment of every day. You can do good to others by helping a friend, by lifting someone’s heavy load, by doing Tong Len meditation, by doing yoga, by volunteering your time.

And…you can help others by doing art. As Pipilotti Rist, my personal favorite artist said in “The World’s Most Colorful Video Artist,” a New York Times Magazine article: “The whole question of how to put art into regular life is what interests me the most. I treat art as a service. I think of myself as a service worker.”

Artists are healers. They speak to the unspeakable and allow for the repressed undercurrents of society to breathe and be spoken for. Without the artistic so many humans might shut down. Just think about how music, fashion, film and words affect your daily life. Shame on you for presuming art to be a selfish path, it is the ultimate act of giving and serving – of making a real difference.

Ah, and “selfish” is a myth. In seventh grade my girlfriends and I used to use “you are so selfish” as the ultimate insult. Later, after college, it was shown to me that selfish is selfless. What does this mean? By actually facing and addressing yourself, from your darkest corners and demons to the best and most beautiful parts of you, you are serving your community, your family and those you touch with your work.

By repressing your dreams and living an empty life, you are dragging people down with you. Lift yourself, and those you love, by actually addressing your heart and your spirit. If you need help, so be it. Find a life coach or career coach or therapist; or, sit down and force the good out of you. If you really can’t, you might have some internal dragons to slay. Brave moments of truth are never regretted in time, only those decisions guided by fear and doubt.

A lot of people feel worthless unless they can outwardly be seen as a do-gooder. Learn to love yourself on your own because you will die. I promise. And so, before that death, why not bother beginning to live? This means really sitting and remembering what feels good and attempting to build it into your life. And be patient, it might take a hot minute to manifest. But I guarantee, when you are true to what makes your heart thump and your eyes widen, it always comes to you in ways you least expect it.

A numb doctor saving lives who can’t see herself is no good to nobody. She’ll trip and fall. Save yourself, baby doll, and then save the world. Give that full ride to someone who dreams of being a doctor and can’t afford it, someone who will love their job and bring that love and glow to their patients. Last thing you want to end up as is a fifty year-old doctor resenting her daily life. Going to art school could mean you become the doctor to the social subconscious.

Other artists that use their talent for the greater good:

Jenny Holzer, Installation Artist
Guillermo Gomez-Pena and Roberto Sifuentes, Performance Poets
Davis Guggenheim, Filmmaker
Joshua Cogan, Photographer
Kara Walker, Visual Artist
Guerrilla Girls, All of the Above

Add every other person who dared to depict their interior, the interior of another, or the gruesome many sides to issues the rest of us are to afraid to venture near. For you to become this amazing artist that you are, step one is unlocking your own pent up inner world.

Converting to Marry Her

In Marriage, Mental Health on February 3, 2010 at 1:19 am

Dear Yenta,

I am a 26 year-old WASP lesbian in love and committed to my loving partner who is Sicilian and Jewish. We have been together for a year and a half and we are raising her 2 children together. Suddenly, just before setting foot into synagogue, I had this feeling that becoming a Jew would be a path that I would embark upon. After being raised Protestant and hating organized religion in general, establishing a relationship with a higher power and participating in a religious ceremonies strangely seems to be what is right for me right now.

The congregation in our small town is progressive and many members are converts to Judaism. My issue is: we’re getting married in four months and we would like a Jewish ceremony. I inquired with a few senior members of the congregation and they put me in contact with the person in charge of classes that converted Jews take. The teacher said that the classes had already begun and unless I knew Hebrew, I couldn’t join until the next go around well into the future. He also mentioned that the process generally takes a year to a year and a half. This scared me, I didn’t know I had to learn that much Hebrew and that the process would take so long. I reported back to the senior members, they scoffed at such requirements. They encouraged me to spend time with the people of the congregation to make sure this is something I truly want. They also assured me that learning a few cardinal prayers and basic Jewish terms and customs would be sufficient in allowing me to be a Jew.

My problem is, I am truly and sincerely interested in becoming a Jew and raising our children in a Jewish household, but I would really like to be considered a Jewish at our wedding 4 months from now. Where do I go from here? From what I have learned, Jewish ceremonies can most certainly exist without the presence of a rabbi. Should we roll on our own? My instinct is to continue with how I see fit and absorb what I can about Judaism until the wedding and I’ll know that although my journey has just begun, I can get married as a Jew and continue blossoming long after the wedding has ended. What do you think oh wise Yenta?

-Jonesing to Be a Jew

Don't get lost when you look into her eyes.

Dear JTBAJ,

One thing I don’t understand is, why the rush? If you want to be married Jewish and it is that important to both of you, why not wait and do the conversion full throttle? Then, at least, you can enjoy learning and transmuting your religiosity. That, and becoming Jewish isn’t about, as you pout it, “right now.” Joining a tribe, unless you scorn your wife, is a forever kind of deal.

Those scant requirements from that synagogue are nothing compared to a childhood of Hebrew School, Shabbat dinners, services, funerals, weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. What does it mean to you “To be a Jew?” And who decides, how and when? Does it matter if this congregation thinks you are Jewish at your Jewish wedding? This is an enormous undertaking, which you sound like you want to be a walk in the park.

I am of two minds when it comes to your question: the defensive Jewish mind, and the objective Jewish intellectual mind.

A 26 year-old Jewish woman is not born overnight. Your partner, myself, and other Jews in America have built an identity through familial influence AND endured the identity marker, culture and history of being Jewish for way longer than four months. That being said, you might need to be more patient. A lifetime of lessons cannot be filtered quickly into the mind of someone new to the religion. To be a Jewish American is no simple feat. It is a commitment, a beautiful multi-faceted often-tormented spiritual or non-spiritual convoluted implications-laden identity that should be approached slowly, cautiously, and if so driven, with intense conviction.

I asked an elder of mine, a Jewish Holocaust survivor, what she thought about your question. She couldn’t understand my defense, and said that Judaism is a cultural identity grounded in a lifetime of learning about Torah. She said if you want to align yourself culturally as a Jew and then embark on the spiritual learning that will carry you from now all the way to your grave, then why not call you Jewish right now.

I say marry that woman as yourself, and worry about being a Jew when and if the shoe suddenly fits. Ask yourself again the why, how, who and what of your decision to cross this religious divide. If you feel it fits now, and that you are Jewish, then start now.

If someone were converting to marry me, I think I would want them to be themselves at the altar, and with time and hard work, move towards an identity shift. Think about how long a sex change takes.

Maybe marry as “WASP lesbian” and evolve slowly into this religious shift. Take your cues from the biblical, and look at 40 days, 40 months, or 40 years as numerical markers of your Judeo-evolution. Also, look into creative Jewish ceremonies. Of the six weddings I attended this year, ALL were somewhat Jewish. One was a Jewish bride and a non-denominational minister, the next was intensely mystical and orthodox. After that a rabbi married a Jew to a non-Jew, and another was split between a spiritual Christian priestess and a rabbi as the conductors of ceremony.

Calling yourself a “WASP” isn’t the most positive self-defining moment. Don’t lose who you are in this new religious awakening. You might resent it later. See if you can walk the Jewish cakewalk while still remembering and respecting your own real and viable roots.

For more, click here for basic conversion requirements. Also try JewishConversion.com.