Loving Yourself on Valentine’s Day

In Breakups/Divorce, Drama, Mental Health on February 14, 2010 at 3:18 am

Cake Love is Self-Love. Photo courtesy of

Dear Yenta,

It’s Valentine’s Day and I have no one right now. I am in-between relationships. I don’t know how I should feel about the day. Is it ok to feel lonely? Should I give into it? I am so afraid I am going to go into a dark space, going down deep into pain. I don’t want to be desperate, but I feel pathetic. Is this ok/normal? How should I spend Valentine’s Day?


Single on the Fourteenth

Dear SOTF,

There are many types of people in the world. People who have spent a lot of time alone, people who are always in relationships, people who are terrified of solitude. There is no right way to be, no best form, there is just where you are. And on Valentine’s Day, depending on who you are and where your love stars fall, life can feel like a rung of someone’s sick version of hell.

But, the good news is plentiful. For one, Valentine’s Day is just a day! Yes, come Monday, boom, it is gone. And then, the gifts on Valentine’s Day that are meant to be received are awesome; chocolate, flowers, orgasms. And third, you are your best friend, so step up to the plate tomorrow and make it a day you will never forget.

There are no laws against self-loving on the “most romantic day of the year.” Seeing that real love knows no calendar date, you can rest assured that your real Valentine’s Day may come in June or December. Just chill, and begin a day of long slow loving. Make breakfast plans with yourself . Walk to the nearest café and get a latte and a chocolate croissant and the Sunday Times and sit for hours.

When you wake up, kiss your own hand, thank yourself for the amazing life you have given yourself, for keeping yourself alive. Try not to spend energy on what you don’t have, use what you do. Like, say, for example a bathtub. Take a bath, burn some tea lights. And if you want, on this one day, have a brandy in the tub. I am dead serious: whatever it is that is your indulgence, give in. Whether it be yoga or pancakes, go there.

You might just need some vision. Where do you want to go that you never go? Go to a museum, take a long drive alone to somewhere new, take a hike, get a long slow brunch. Go to the batting cages! I love the batting cages. Just make a date, like you would with a partner, but with yourself.

Cook yourself something amazing. And, my favorite, order yourself gifts. Why on earth wait for someone else to give you love if you have a well of it to dish out? Order some flowers and have them delivered. Watch the Olympics and enjoy that knock on the door, with a bouquet and a note, “Thanks for always being there.”

It is always ok to feel lonely because loneliness means you hear your heart. And believe me, you are not the only one. What is not ok is to give in to the voices that condemn you for your solitude, your single status, or anything else the demons of the mind might conjure up.

Another great way to spend the day? Give to someone else. Get beyond yourself and visit a hospital with a pile of valentines. Other people are alone too, and your smile might make their day, and yours. Think about giving compliments to friends, visiting a nursing home or a soup kitchen. Give that love you would have given to a lover to the people in your community who need it most.

Whatever you do, plan yourself a badass Valentine’s Day now, and let someone else do the loving for you later, when the time is right and you are ready to share the gushing love in your massive heart with just one.

Try Toys In Babeland!
Or ordering brownies from Zingerman’s.
Or getting a new Yoga membership.
Or finding a silent retreat.
Or committing to running a marathon.
Or finding a new Stitch N’ Bitch.
Or try dancing, like nobody’s business, completely naked and alone.

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