Dear Yenta,

I’m a smaller lady, about 5’3″, and, honestly, I think there might be a point at which a penis can be too big. Sex with my husband can be really painful sometimes, especially when we haven’t had sex for awhile (traveling, short-term job in a distant city, etc.) I almost always bleed just a little after having sex maybe the first 5 times after a dry spell. And I also get frequent bladder infections, which my doctor said can be caused by too much sex. Anyway, my question for you is do you have ideas for a smaller lady accommodating a larger man? Are there any resources out there?

-Taking the Meat

Men come in all shapes and sizes.

Dear TTM,

First of all, a penis can never be “too large.” God made that large penis, so perhaps it just feels too large for you. In order to enjoy this giant, start by ditching whatever sexual script you were fed. This means trying to wipe your sexual psychology clean of any previous influences.

Why? Because women are often taught that sex works only one way, when it can be approached from a number of angles. Many women were taught that only the man should be in charge, or for example, some women just jump on that pole immediately without preparation, and launch right into some serious humpage. A body needs, in many cases, such as yours, to be coaxed and lovingly seduced into receiving the body of another, both physically and emotionally.

Read this article by Scarleteen: Sex Ex For the Real World, “From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse” first. It will answer ALL your questions.

A few tricks? Start by upping your foreplay. The vagina is just a matrix of musculature that when properly flexed or released can often accommodate a penis of just about any size. Don’t forget, no penis is as wide or long as a human baby, which shoots out the same canal we are speaking of. That being said, sex should NOT feel like giving birth, it should feel good, great in fact.

(See your doctor again? This pain could also be from an STD or another type of vaginal infection.)

SO. If you are able to orgasm, or even if not, engage in some manual five digit action BEFORE he enters you. The more you are turned on the more the muscles will loosen the more lubricant you will produce. Extend this foreplay time for as long as possible, come and come again, and THEN have him enter you, gently, slowly, and coated in either natural or water-based lube. This might hurt.

Note on pain: when we are nervous or scared we tighten our vaginal wall. Click here for information on Vaginismus, the tightening of vaginal walls that yields horrible pain. There are tons of reasons a woman might tighten up before sex. These include: fear of STD’s, fear of pregnancy, fear of rape/roughness/pain, a lack of desire for sex, a lack of trust for her partner and/or a lack of knowledge of how to make sex feel good.

The tighter those muscles upon penile entry, the more excruciating. Our goal for you: painless pleasure. SO, have him enter extremely slowly and then, when inside, have him wait and listen to your cues. Communication is vital. If you feel heard and held, you will be more likely to release those tensed muscles. It might take you a minute to adjust to his size.

Then, take it at your own pace. If you want to be pummeled, get pummeled, but if you need it gentle and slow, take it as such. Talk to your husband before sex, at an innocuous time of day, like over Cheerios, and mention that for now you want to take the reigns. Encourage him to experiment with new sexual sensations, being slowly squeezed by a woman can be as phenomenal as ramming her core. It is a matter of presence and where his focus is located. Click here for more on enhancing male sexual experience.

There are SO many nerve endings involved in sex, and a good man, no matter how rough he likes it, will like it better if his wife does not wake up with a bladder infection because his dick was cramming her organs into oblivion.

Try sitting on top so you can control the depth of entry, as well as speed. Also, explore your psyche. See that you really WANT sex, and aren’t just having it to have it. Look at your sexual mind and determine whether there is fear or anger or a history of abuse causing you to tighten when you could be loosely wrapped around your man.

Ultimately, remember that sex is supposed be NICE FOR YOU. Because you are married, I want this to work. But for some in a new relationship, it might be too much for your body to take him in, and that is ok. If you find yourself lying there while he fucks your brains out as you leave the mental building, this is no good. If you are really enjoying yourself, rough or slow, you will know because you will feel joyful and exuberant, not fearful, loathing and infected.

Dear Yenta,

At my pap smear last week it was a horrible, failed attempt. Not uncomfortable, not awkward, but excruciatingly painful. The doctor kept telling me to relax, and I was trying (it was hard – this doctor had the worst bedside manner), but I guess I just couldn’t. I was so tense that the doctor gave up, or maybe I kicked the doctor out. But at some point, the doctor indicated that she didn’t know what my problem was and then asked if I had every been sexually assaulted. It’s probably a fair question. But my
response was “not that I’m aware of,” because that’s the truth. I don’t think so, but clearly I have some issues down there, and I don’t know why. But the really weird thing is that I started crying after I answered her (and truth be told, I’ve started crying every time I’ve thought about it since, including now).

I’ve had sex once. Or we tried to. But it was really painful, so we stopped. There was penetration, which I know because it was really bad pain and significant bleeding. My boyfriend at the time was traumatized. We stopped. It hasn’t happened since. I haven’t dated anyone since – and a major reason why I haven’t wanted to date anyone is probably because I’m scared of having this conversation with the next guy. I shouldn’t feel traumatized by sex and I don’t want to traumatize anyone else.

Do I need a therapist? Or just a better ob/gyn? They’re all so impatient with me and the pain. Please help me. This is the first time I’ve expressed this to anyone.

Sincerely,

Terrified

Dear Terrified,

If I had giant wings, I would reach down and wrap them around you. I am so sorry that you have been going through this, and completely alone, no less. Unfortunately, what is happening to you is completely normal.

There are a number of things to address here. First, a well-trained doctor would never be angry with a woman for being in pain and afraid. I will say that your doctors sound like they have been poorly educated. An OBGYN should be well trained at the art of entering a woman’s body, and considering the prevalence of sexual abuse, they should almost always approach a body with this in mind.

What I have heard from therapists and midwives along the road is that they are not thoroughly trained in sexual abuse, memory repression, orgasm dysfunction and other troubles in the pelvic region unless working specifically in the field. You absolutely CAN expect to find a sensitive doctor, gyno, or therapist who knows about physical trauma and treats your body with care.

Things you can do as a patient to protect yourself: search for doctors who have experience with feminist philosophy, sexual abuse, and other similar themes. Always take it upon yourself to inform your doctors of your condition. Enter every appointment, despite the awkwardness, and say, “Hi, I have some issues with pain and fear in my vaginal region. I don’t know the root of it, but I often panic in the stirrups, so please handle me with care.” If they are still rough, leave the office and write the medical association.

Second, whether you were or weren’t sexually assaulted or abused may, at this moment, be beside the point. The most important thing on your menu is dealing with this sense of trauma, and being sure to find help so that you don’t drown in the pain that revolves around these intense and sensitive issues. Find a therapist, ASAP. You can go the physical route and find a physical therapist who specializes in “pelvic floor therapy.” These PT’s have extensive training in the myriad of vaginal pain dysfunctions and skills to work with them directly. You must, however, be comfortable with the therapist as the majority of their work is manually soothing this part of the body.

To address the emotional, and for guidance on how to handle your particular dilemma call The National Sexual Assault Hotline, which helps with everything from panic to seeking counseling on the phone and online. Call 1-800-656-HOPE or go to RAINN.org. This is free, so whether you do or don’t have insurance, were or weren’t abused, you can still start here.

With insurance or other forms of payment there are a number of gentle body-centered therapeutic modalities that don’t involve going inside your body. Specifically search for a practitioner with childhood trauma, sexual health, sexual abuse and or feminist modalities on their profile. You can call a therapist and ask for a phone consultation, see if you feel comfortable talking to them before shelling out the dough. A few other gentle modalities (click on the name for a link to therapists) that might appeal to you: Body Psychotherapy , EMDR , and The Alexander Technique. Another route? See a Sexologist. Also, a regular yoga practice and acupuncture treatments can drastically reduce the effects of trauma on the body and mind.

Steer clear of anyone who thinks you are making things up. The body never lies, and yours is clearly trying to tell you something, what, we can’t be sure. A good therapist will know that the whole truth cannot come out in just a few hours, especially if the patient can’t even access it on her own.

The inability to recall trauma is a normal. The body is a giant store of information, and often our minds can’t stomach the truth. There is a common phenomenon among survivors of abuse that involves forgetting large chunks of personal history. Dissociation to memory can occur for a number of reasons ranging from a failure to encode memory because you emotionally blacked out, all the way to a built-up repression over time that prevents you from being capable of accessing certain painful memories. See books below for more on this phenomenon.

Whether it is trauma or something else, I want you to find love and be happy. By honestly facing the physical pain, and exploring that pain with trained professionals who address the mind and the body, professionals who specialize in these types of issues, you will find love again, once you heal some of these wounds so that trust is again possible. Be patient though, healing is not easy and it takes time.

Books that may help:

For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Reclaiming Your Sex Life by Doctors Jennifer and Laura Berman and/or check out their clinic’s website in Chicago.

Sexual Healing: Transforming the Sacred Wound,
Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body, and Waking the Tiger: The Innate Capacity toTransform Overwhelming Experiences, all by Peter Levine

The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment by Babette Rothschild

For information on men and sexual trauma, click here.

Have a burning question? Ask me anything by clicking here and sending your e-mail to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

Photo courtesy of http://www.davidhenrygerson.com.

Dear Yenta,

On New Year’s Eve I got a little stupid. I hate the holidays because I lost my sister to an accident a few year’s back and things get emotionally ugly around Christmas. This year I got wasted and slept with someone who I knew had genital warts. I was drunk and not thinking and feeling like crap and am worried now that I might have infected myself. I pretty much hate myself right now. Fix it?

Ugh. Happy 2010.

-Ready for Next Year to Come

Dear RFNYTC,

I don’t think I can fix this one for you, but I can give you a virtual hug and try to help you stop hating yourself. STD’s are the devil, they sneak around every corner. The worst element of the suckers is that people think they are alone and feel ashamed of having been sexual.

Maybe sit on the subway or on the bus or at the airport and take a look around. According to Simplexlove.com, “One in five people in the United States has an STD.” So clearly, if you are standing in a sea of humans who appear to be healthy, perfect, and normal, chances are they are perfect and normal with some sort of itch, burn or growth down below. Don’t hate yourself for being human in a diseased age.

Do, however, learn from your mistakes. You may or may not have an STD. Regardless, take this as an opportunity to do a few things.

For one, perhaps, knowing that this time of year brings up memories, pain and grief, it is best to take some precautions in the future. Line up a less tempting New Year’s plan, connect with whatever supports you, be it religion, nature, sports, friends, family, therapy, hot springs, you name it. Just make sure, like brushing your teeth and changing your sheets, you find time in advance to plan the darkest weeks of the year so that when you do fall apart, you don’t fall to pieces.

Second, deal with your sex life. With or without an STD, sex can be fun, crazy, and whatever else you wish it to be. In truth, though, humans at this point are walking infections, so make sure you take precautions to protect yourself from contracting piggyback sexually transmitted diseases. Generally, when you have one, it makes you way more susceptible to more because your immunity is weakened.

Make sure, in the words of Salt N Pepa, that you talk about sex and STD’s. A bedside conversation can be a) revealing b) trust-provoking c) sobering and d) vital to the safety of both you and your buddy.

If you are having sex with a long-term partner, get tested before you get nasty. If you are having sex with randoms, get tested regularly as well. If playing with strangers, there are a number of new tips to follow. For one, remember that fluid, not sex, causes disease transmission. And with some, simple contact does the job, ie, rubbing against sores, warts, and so on will pass the STD on without any secretions to begin with.

Know that you are taking a risk with any stranger, and be sure to keep your genitals either covered in latex, dental dams, condoms and the like, or limit your games to hands reaching across a bed. Be creative, intercourse is not the only road to release. As Mary-Kate put it on Weeds, “My virginity is for my husband, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun.” Abstinence is not just for Jesus-believers. Sex without intercourse can be equally satisfying, if not twice as erotic and way less risky. We haven’t even mentioned babies.

And lastly, forgive yourself. Everyone makes messy mistakes when they are miserable. Some hurt their friends or family, others abuse drugs and alcohol. Still others resort to sex, to violence, to self-abuse, to animal abuse and more: the “evil” deeds of humans are countless, and almost always are a result of poorly managed pain. Suffering, or really the avoidance of suffering, often leads to poor choices. You are no sinner, just maybe need a hug.

For more help with STD questions:

Call Planned Parenthood National Hotline, 1-800-230-PLAN (7526), Available 24/7, counseling and clinic referral on STDs, pregnancy and other sexual health issues.

Also check out Go Ask Alice through Columbia University for answers to more specifics and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life for answers to EVERYTHING sexual.