merissanathangerson

Archive for the ‘Mental Health’ Category

Brain-Injured Coworker

In Mental Health on December 25, 2009 at 10:38 pm

General self-care, ie, good food, excercise and relaxation breed patience.

Dear Yenta,

There is a woman I work with that has a brain injury that affects her emotions. And even though she tries to be friendly and nice, she can be very immature and irritating. How can I, under no uncertain terms, tell her I am not interested in being her friend but still not crush her?

-Avoiding Disaster

Dear AD,

When we encounter challenging people in our lives it is often a call to develop new skills. Patience is a virtue, so they say, one that is hard to come by, particularly when people annoy us. You need to cultivate patience, grow it like a plant, feed yourself so you don’t lash out unexpectedly at this woman. Friendship or no friendship, she will be at your job day in and day out.

Cultivating patience basically involves calming your own system. This could come as cooking for yourself, buying yourself relaxing things like soaps and candles, eating healthy, lessening caffeine, sugar and alcohol intake. Maybe add more excercise, yoga or meditation.

Tranquility is contagious just like frustration. If this woman is getting worked up, she may be picking up on your irritability. If I ran your office I would ask everyone to take extra care to calm their bodies and minds so this woman felt safe to do the same.

Oddly enough, a rabbi just walked by me while I was writing. I asked him your question and he answered, “I don’t think she should abandon her, this is her time of need.”

Perhaps instead of working so hard to avoid this woman, you should work on finding ways to face her and communicate with her more effectively. You might need to simply find solid ways of setting boundaries so she can actually honor them and this might require learning to speak her language.

People frequently talk down to those with brain injuries and mental illness, addressing them as if they were children. Often times people solicit less energy from others when they really feel seen and heard, with equality and respect. Treat a woman, brain injured or not, as you would like to be treated and you might be surprised by how her behavior towards you might change.

www.schizophrenia.com offers tips for communicating with the mentally ill. They specifically address the need to focus on both verbal and non-verbal communication. See below for more details and/or click here.

Watch your body, your words, your general demeanor. Work on clarity, intention, patience and kindness. In the end, whether you want to sever a relationship, or fine-tune it, these basic approaches should help you deliver your message without “crushing her,” so to speak.

More on communication from www.schizophrenia.com:

Guidelines for non-verbal communication:

1. Stand close to your relative, but don’t crowd his/her personal space.
2. Convey interest, concern and alertness through your body posture and facial expression.
3, Maintain eye contact with your relative.
4. Speak calmly and clearly.

Expressing positive feelings:

1. Look at the person.
2. Say exactly what the person did that pleased you.
3. Tell the person how their behavior made you feel. (Bad ex.: “You are nice to have around the house.” Good ex.: “I like it when you do a nice job cleaning the kitchen”).

Making a positive request:

1. Look at the person.
2. Say exactly what you would like the person to do.
3. Tell how it would make you feel.
4. Use phrases like “I would like you to….” or “I would really appreciate it if you would…..”

Expressing negative feelings:

Look at the person. Say exactly what the person did that upset you.
Tell the person how it made you feel.
Suggest how the person might prevent this from happening in the future. (Bad ex. “You are a frightening person.” Good ex. “I get very nervous when you pace around the room.”)

Active listening:

1. Look at the speaker.
2. Attend to what is said.
3. Nod head, say, “Uh-huh”.
4. Ask clarifying questions.
5. Check out what you heard.

Christmas in Rehab

In Mental Health on December 24, 2009 at 6:10 pm

Dear Yenta,

This Christmas I am not going home. I am in rehab and not talking to my parents and am feeling pretty terrible about the idea of spending the holidays like this. Presents are a regular part of my Christmas routine and I am pretty sure I won’t be receiving any this year. At all. Cheer me up?

-Doing My Time

Dear DMT,

First off, congratulations. While rehab seems like a death trap or punishment, in some ways it is a beautiful sign that you are choosing life. One thing that is hard with quitting addictions is the sense that everything in life is new. You are re-learning, as you know, how to live in the world, through and through, without your old ways.

I have a friend who used to be a badass on a motorcycle. He was diagnosed with MS about ten years ago and his wild promiscuous daredevil self suddenly seemed like it had died. Paralyzed and ill for a long time he was deeply depressed because all he could do was compare his two lives, missing what felt like “real living” and freedom. Once he let this anger go and stopped comparing worlds, his new life, suffering and all, yielded different types of rewards. He was actually happy, despite the treacheries of his condition.

I only mention this because this Christmas you might have to forget your old life, all the routines you recall, and reinvent the holidays. I am sure you are familiar with the concept “Give it away to keep it,” or “Pay it forward.” This is the fundamental basic idea that by giving, you will receive. Buddhists, after every meal, every act of service, every sitting meditation dedicate the merit they accumulated then and there to the reduction of suffering in the world. The idea is that goodness doesn’t need to be held, but passed on, and in passing it returns to the giver.

So this Christmas, give. Forget money and forget gifts. Get a pen, get a napkin, see if you can make the other people in rehab feel less homesick. Make little awards, recognize people’s talents, give them gold stars. I used to do this while waitressing, hand a customer a star of the day for best outfit, or most beautiful pregnant woman. You would be shocked by how far mini compliments can go. Their smiles will be your Christmas gifts.

Bust your heart open and make a collage for your neighbor, a love note for the depressive down the hall, heck, write yourself one. Give and give and give some more, in ways you never tried to give and watch this Christmas be better than any you have ever had. And from your Jewish Yenta, I wish you a phenomenal holiday and a year unlike any you remember, full of peace, tranquility, and sobriety.

Tantric Turnaround

In Mental Health, Sex on December 15, 2009 at 1:23 am


Dear Yenta,

I can’t believe I’m asking you this, but here goes.

I spent years of my life depressed, anxious and unhappy. I had few
relationships, mostly with unavailable, emotionally stunted partners,
just like myself. Now I’m in a healthy relationship and I am truly
happy.

I realized at a certain point in my life that things would not get
better if I didn’t deal with it. About five years into therapy, I was able to recognize that clinical depression had a hand in my difficult years, and I started taking antidepressants.

And the problem is this: antidepressants have eliminated my ability
to have an orgasm. Oh the irony! I had a decent sex life back in the
day, but now sex is really just an activity, like running or yoga.
I’ve adjusted the medication and been over this with my doctor to no
avail. But as fulfilled as I am now, I feel like it ultimately limits the
connection I have with my partner. Gratifying sex is what set our
relationship apart from all other relationships. And I like yoga, but
I miss the orgasms. What do I do?

Things Could Be Worse.

Dear TCBW,

I applaud you for taking your emotional growth and general sanity into your own hands. This dedication to well-being is admirable and is what builds positive communities around the world.

But things, my dear, could still be better.

I am going to treat this question under the presupposition that you are male, by standard American definitions. If you are female, and need help with the same, see: Trouble Coming in addition to reading below. If you are neither, improvise with those two answers.

There is hope, yet.

Antidepressants work in a number of ways, one way being to sever the connection between body, mind and spirit so that your life experiences are more manageable. Sometimes we are poorly programmed, so this split or cap on experience helps avoid the poor programming. With this cord cut, you might need to re-wire your own body, something that can be done with a little effort.

Basically, now that you are happy a number of things have shifted – your center of gravity, your attachment to misery, your ability to stay positive and your overall physical balance. One thing, psychologically, that this may have done is complicate your sexual drive. You may, quite simply, be maturing.

Young sex is often driven by nerves, fear and anxiety. There is a possibility that you have eliminated these things and now need to approach sex and sexuality from a new angle. Tantra could be a calling that this new shift has beckoned, particularly if you are already practicing yoga. This has to do with spiritually infusing your bedroom, and learning to make love without working towards orgasm. You might find that this has a profoundly positive turnaround for your sex life.

Meanwhile, these medications only control part of your chemical makeup. Have you taken inventory on diet and substance abuse? Cigarettes and alcohol can drastically affect your ability to ejaculate. Check out Dr. Weil’s page on natural treatment for erectile dysfunction for more ideas.

Ultimately, I heed caution when it comes to psychotherapeutic drugs. There are other ways to treat depression, see: Woe is Me. There is also a LOT that can be done with the body and mind to work around medications you do choose/or need to take. Don’t be too quick to fold if Prozac says its boss. Chances are you can use this medicated emotional leg up to begin to explore your body, mind and spirit from new angles. Caution: you might find your next orgasm, grounded in a healthy lifestyle rather than an anxious exit, to be far beyond those you ever experienced before.

Home for the Holidaze

In Mental Health, Parents, Uncategorized on December 14, 2009 at 6:36 am

Dear Yenta,

I find myself dreading the upcoming holiday season. I love them but
time with my family can be SUCH an emotional drain.

Do you have any suggestions for establishing and maintaining
boundaries? Or quick answers for people asking you to justify your
life choices?

-Homeward Bound

Dear HB,

One woman once said you should never go home for more than two days. Two day visits rock, no space for conflict, just long enough to really enjoy every minute. But, if you need to be home longer…here are some pointers on how not to regress to age thirteen.

1) Spend a night reflecting on what you are doing with your life and why. Make sure you have some semblance of an answer before going home. This answer does not need to be shared with anyone out loud, it is the one you hold on to as the questions start firing.

2) Look at all of this as if you live inside a shell. Inside is all mushy and sweet, outside is the veneer you show people. Another word for this is learning to live like a Washingtonian. Use your best political face to show love and white lies.

3) Only answer when you feel like it. You have every right not to answer a question. Or, what people hate, is “I don’t know.” This is a great answer if you can stand by it and the frustration it will provoke. People who have made commitments they resent, will then resent you for your lackthereof.

4) Learn to see yourself with two sets of eyes, theirs and yours, and train yourself to know the difference. What they can’t see can’t hurt them, and what you remember of who you are is crucial. Don’t confuse their eyes for your own.

5) Boundaries. The only trick here, again, is pre-meditation. Know in advance how far you want to go with information, and set the limit. People hate boundaries. They will try to trick you and knock your walls down. Stand firm if those walls are there to maintain your sanity.

6) Trust your gut and give away only what serves you. Exiting a Buddhist retreat and entering family life from your own independence aren’t such different experiences. One retreat leader explained that you might want to run home and tell your husband or girlfriend or mother everything and then find, upon arrival, that they don’t get it or don’t care. They taught us to guard our experiences and to be slow in unfolding information about the time we spent in silence. You might feel like telling the girl in the checkout line all about your retreat, but never want to reveal a word to your own children. The moral here was learning to trust one’s voice. You might find your mouth cemented shut in some cases, without warning, and running wildly in others. Just listen to your body and proceed with the questions and answers from there. Pain = negative. Warm lull = positive.

So, whatever you have made of your life was done so for a reason. Family sometimes understands, and sometimes does not. They sometimes want to put a leash on you in fear of losing you to the new world you have entered. So spend some time remembering who they are, what their needs and hang-ups are, and also recalling who you are and what you stand for.

For example: One brilliant friend of mine went home to her evangelical parents and they all looked at her, shaking their heads. “Aren’t you worried about rotting in hell for all of those tattoos you have?” they asked. And she calmly answered, “I appreciate your concern, but these tattoos mean a lot to me and connect me to God as I understand it.” Boom.

As you approach each conversation go into it with awareness and self-respect, watching your words and theirs, knowing that everyone’s attempts to cut you down to size have to do, 90% of the time, with their own insecurities.

For family it is even harder, because they were once closest to you and the shifts in intimacy levels as we age unnerve some people. Keep this in mind as they get rough, remembering the origin of their words. Be protective of you. Whatever you have become is probably gorgeous, and needs to be revealed at its own rate.

Put a Sock In It

In Mental Health on December 6, 2009 at 10:28 pm

Dear Yenta,

I have this problem where I talk incessantly. I cannot seem to
stop. Every time, before I go out with friends, I tell myself on the
way out the door, to just shut up and listen. But invariably I end
up on another monologue.

To be completely honest, I am probably not that bad. I do have a few
friends who say I am a good listener. But the problem is when I go
out with a group of people, or with friends of friends I just can
not shut up. Even when I see people’s eyes start to glaze over.

How do I stop? Please help.

Thanks,

Guilty Gabber

Dear GG,

One common symptom of excessive speech is lack of oxygen. You need to see if you are breathing enough as your nervous talk escalates. Then, practice breathing, hearing your breath, timing it, counting it, whatever it takes to stay with yourself. A runaway mouth in a crowd also implies an exit of the self. You are putting so much out there that you momentarily abandon number one. My guess is that the more pressure you put on yourself to shut it, the worse it gets. This is why breathing cautiously helps in an anxious situation like this one, because it is a way of staying with yourself and therefore staying calm.

Also, these words you spew are a form of nervous energy that needs to be expelled. Work at this. Run or bike or go to yoga the day of a group gathering. Masturbation is an excellent social calming tool. If you are up for it, get off before going out to keep those swirling nerves under control. Masturbation, and of course, meditation. Sit in silence for even just five minutes watching your breath before you go out. Note your thoughts and remind yourself that they are just in your mind. This trick, if practiced regularly, will cut away half the neurosis.

Lastly, be nice to yourself. Everyone gets nervous. Don’t be so rough with your gabbing mouth. It will more likely stop evading you if you don’t put so much awful pressure on it to cease. And laugh at yourself. This is, ultimately, a little funny, a mouth with a mind of its own. I doubt you are nearly as awful as you think. Awareness, so they say, is the first step to recovery. You will be silent in no time.

Papa, Pay for my Shrink?

In Mental Health, Parents on December 3, 2009 at 10:00 pm

Dear Yenta,

I owe my Dad 8000 dollars, but don’t want to pay him. Instead I want to deduct the money from the therapy that I pay for that I think he is responsible for…
What should I do?

-Jilted

Dear Jilted,

If Daddy did the damage, then…

Money and therapy are tricky topics because they are self-defined for each individual involved. For example, if your Dad was a poor rail worker who busted his ass and burned holes in his hands to put food on your table, and now you are mad because he wasn’t home more, then you are an asshole. If your Dad is rich, neglected you, screwed women on the side, smacked you when he wasn’t getting any from his mistress, then keep your eight grand and do it your way.

There is a school of thought that parents who screw their kids up and can afford to unscrew them should then be responsible for the financial burden of healing. You sound like you know what to do. Does your Dad want to help pay for your self-help? Can you solicit him? Will this do something good for your family? Are you self-indulgent or self-aware? Figure out the reasons you are in therapy, and what you seek to gain from all that talk. My guess is that your father himself will benefit from the guru you seek.

If your Dad is rich and loves you and wants you “better” from whatever is paining you, and if therapy will bring you to that sunny happy place, then send Papi the bill. In the end, though, it’s up to him how he wants to handle the $8000.00 hole you dug.

Sucking in the Smoke

In Mental Health on December 3, 2009 at 4:48 am

Dear Yenta,

I love to smoke cigarettes in my apartment. I don’t want anyone to know that I participate in this heinous self-destructive act, but I am addicted, not necessarily to nicotine, but to the secrecy of it…I do it while watching gangster movies, or political dramas, while reading self-indulgent books, or listening top 40 music. Whyyyyyy? Even writing this is kinda fun. Help.

-Lame-O

Dear Lame-O,

I once shared my love for Gossip Girl with an audience of four and they nearly destroyed it for me. Be sure to guard your secret indulgences, they are precious. If this is truly your vice, then enjoy it in full. Everyone does it, finds what they know to be “Sinful” and then indulges to somehow prove their autonomy.

Yes, this is a way of saying “Forget you world, I am in charge of me!” It is also a form of intimacy, you, your cigarettes, your pleasures. But finally, and honestly, it is clearly some weird form of self-abuse. Can you replace cigarettes with something less harmful to your body, like porn, chocolate, mint tea? Or, can you stop hating yourself and do it less often, and instead of lapping up the guilt, jump into the sheer pleasure of smoking, like a big kid in your own home?

I used to smoke in bed all the time in college. It disgusted people and was my way of marking my territory, some odd post-adolescent acting out. Just figure out if you are rebelling, or if you are half European and just have a penchant for fine tobacco. Check in with yourself and see who you are rebelling against, why, and whether you are using this behavior as a form of masochism or simply enjoyment of life’s pleasures.

Woe Is Me

In Mental Health on November 29, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Dear Yenta,

This year everything went right, and then everything went wrong. I don’t completely understand how or why I fell apart, but I did. I quickly went to a psychiatrist and have been medicated ever since. My life got back on track but little things feel different. I am doing well compared to before, but I wonder, is there another way I could have patched myself back together?

-Fragmented

Dear Fragmented,

Depression, my friend, sucks. There’s no two ways around that. But the causes and implications of a meltdown are complicated and individual-based. In some cases, medication is the best option because a life, or lives are at stake. It is important to weigh your own situation, your own tools. Can this dark period be navigated without the safety net of medication?

And then there are branches to the therapy tree. Are you someone who is strong and needs to know everything? Or are you strong, but not with feelings, and need to gloss this experience? There are so many options in medicine, healing and growth, that it can be easier to shut off, shut down, and keep going.

A few ideas for the brave self-healer:

1) Meditate and Therapeute

Sitting in silence and unfolding your mind can be the most effective way to cure a million ailments. Do you have Tourette’s? Anxiety? Depression? Can you not sit still, not control your thoughts; do you feel feverish with energy?

Meditation is not an easy road, not the choice for the weak of heart, but once an individual chooses this path and gets over the hard part, the rewards are innumerable. Basic meditation begs that you be present and notice your thoughts, notice your world. It is like a game of slow intimate connection with the self. One monk I know has no fear because he trusts his mind and body because he knows them so well.

Therapy and meditation combined are an incredible option. As your meditation reveals the workings, and sometimes hidden traumas of your mind, then you can reference a talk therapist for support and help working out the bigger issues. This is good therapy because it is self-controlled. The power dynamic in a therapist’s office can be off-putting, whereas here you are able to chart your own healing. Better yet, meditating is free and always available. For a free meditation instruction go to http://www.shambhala.org for a center in your city.

2) Shamans, Witches and the like

Depending on your nationality or cultural history, tapping into your roots could be an excellent way to cope with your misery. Hindu, Tibetan, Muslim, Jewish, Indian, Hmong and other healing systems differ and often are related to the beliefs you were raised with. Or, for some, the beliefs you choose to adapt. Medication can shut down important life-experiencing pieces of each individual, whereas finding someone who might better understands the intricacies of your experience could be more suitable to your needs.

One important part of calming the mind is connected to knowing the self, and the selves that paved the way to your own. Checking in with your cultural past may be chock full of answers, or may very well lead you back to the psychiatrist with the Prozac. Trusting this less rational system yields different results for everyone, but never leaves you bored.

3) And finally….your body.

So many people get depressed without evaluating simple things. Did someone die? Did you move somewhere new and it is too loud? Is someone violating your personal space? Are you no longer in love? Are you realizing something about your past? Any number of external factors could be causing your misery.

But the body is the locus of all distress. Whether it started in the mind or in the stomach, you need to treat your nausea. Make a checklist: have you been exercising? What are you eating? Too much caffeine? Lots of mac n cheese? Not enough veggies and fruits? Are you getting protein? Are you smoking too much? Has your weed habit taken over?

Taking a quick inventory, returning to your food pyramid from kindergarten, this can at the very least make these wild new emotions of misery more manageable. And sleep. My uncle says some people should sleep for a whole year to cure their depression. Do you need to sleep?

A community acupuncture clinic or acupuncture school, just $20 a pop, could help a) teach you about self-care and b) calm your nerves. Also, massage is an amazing way to support your body and spirit while navigating whatever it is that is mentally ailing you. This doesn’t have to be expensive; most cities have a massage school with a clinic where massage by trained professionals ranges from free to $40 on a sliding scale.

Remember that America is not big on feeling the harder feelings, and that crying, mourning, releasing…this can often cure a broken heart. Support from any of these options, or from friends, a long bath, a walk in the woods, any kind of support serves you as you try to stabilize your mind. E-mail me if you have more questions.