merissanathangerson

Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

Do I Tell Him I Cheated?

In Dating, Drama, Roommates, Sex on January 22, 2010 at 1:35 am

Guilt sucks, but sometimes it is our duty to bear it. Photo courtesy of http://www.davidhenrygerson.com

Dear 27-Year-Old Yenta:

My ex-boyfriend Randy and I did a really good job of “being friends” a year after our breakup. He earned an internship at an engineering company located 3 miles from my house and a long 2 hour drive from his. I agreed to let him stay in the alcove of my studio apartment while I dated someone else. We were cool the first 2 months, but one day it was too much to bear. We ended up having wild fuck-sex for hours while my real boyfriend was out.

My present boyfriend isn’t stupid, he knows something’s not right but there
is nothing he can pinpoint. I know you’ll probably say honesty is
the best policy but I know he’ll leave me if I tell him. And what’s
the point, Randy moved out, so it’s not like it’s going to happen
again. So why ruin a good thing?

-Guilty As Charged

Dear GAC,

I had a cousin who once, sitting at the bar of the restaurant where I worked, whispered to me that women must always have a few secrets. I don’t know if my entire moral compass agrees, but my instinctive response is to tell you to suck it up and guard this secret with all of you.

Honesty may not always be the best policy. In this case, if it was an accident and will never happen again, then why hurt the man you love? Further, there is something to be said for the valiance of shouldering the guilt rather than passing on the pain. This is your business and your problem, so manage it.

There is always the question, though, “What would you want your boyfriend to do in the same position?” Would you want him to tell you? Is honesty everything? Or are there moments and secrets that are yours, and his, and not to be shared? Some people believe that sexual indiscretions are unrelated to commitment. Some people believe that a physical moment in time does not compromise the deep and real love for your partner.

This is not to say that it is ok to make Randy moments like that habit. It is not ok.

Ultimately, I don’t know what you should do. Only you do, because only you know your own heart, your own man, your own relationship, and your own capacity for self-control. Just be sure to remember your heart, AND his, in your decision-making process.

Have a question? Ask anonymously via www.send-email.org directed to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

Ay Ay Ay, He’s Huge!

In Mental Health, Sex on January 20, 2010 at 8:49 pm

Dear Yenta,

I’m a smaller lady, about 5’3″, and, honestly, I think there might be a point at which a penis can be too big. Sex with my husband can be really painful sometimes, especially when we haven’t had sex for awhile (traveling, short-term job in a distant city, etc.) I almost always bleed just a little after having sex maybe the first 5 times after a dry spell. And I also get frequent bladder infections, which my doctor said can be caused by too much sex. Anyway, my question for you is do you have ideas for a smaller lady accommodating a larger man? Are there any resources out there?

-Taking the Meat

Men come in all shapes and sizes.

Dear TTM,

First of all, a penis can never be “too large.” God made that large penis, so perhaps it just feels too large for you. In order to enjoy this giant, start by ditching whatever sexual script you were fed. This means trying to wipe your sexual psychology clean of any previous influences.

Why? Because women are often taught that sex works only one way, when it can be approached from a number of angles. Many women were taught that only the man should be in charge, or for example, some women just jump on that pole immediately without preparation, and launch right into some serious humpage. A body needs, in many cases, such as yours, to be coaxed and lovingly seduced into receiving the body of another, both physically and emotionally.

Read this article by Scarleteen: Sex Ex For the Real World, “From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse” first. It will answer ALL your questions.

A few tricks? Start by upping your foreplay. The vagina is just a matrix of musculature that when properly flexed or released can often accommodate a penis of just about any size. Don’t forget, no penis is as wide or long as a human baby, which shoots out the same canal we are speaking of. That being said, sex should NOT feel like giving birth, it should feel good, great in fact.

(See your doctor again? This pain could also be from an STD or another type of vaginal infection.)

SO. If you are able to orgasm, or even if not, engage in some manual five digit action BEFORE he enters you. The more you are turned on the more the muscles will loosen the more lubricant you will produce. Extend this foreplay time for as long as possible, come and come again, and THEN have him enter you, gently, slowly, and coated in either natural or water-based lube. This might hurt.

Note on pain: when we are nervous or scared we tighten our vaginal wall. Click here for information on Vaginismus, the tightening of vaginal walls that yields horrible pain. There are tons of reasons a woman might tighten up before sex. These include: fear of STD’s, fear of pregnancy, fear of rape/roughness/pain, a lack of desire for sex, a lack of trust for her partner and/or a lack of knowledge of how to make sex feel good.

The tighter those muscles upon penile entry, the more excruciating. Our goal for you: painless pleasure. SO, have him enter extremely slowly and then, when inside, have him wait and listen to your cues. Communication is vital. If you feel heard and held, you will be more likely to release those tensed muscles. It might take you a minute to adjust to his size.

Then, take it at your own pace. If you want to be pummeled, get pummeled, but if you need it gentle and slow, take it as such. Talk to your husband before sex, at an innocuous time of day, like over Cheerios, and mention that for now you want to take the reigns. Encourage him to experiment with new sexual sensations, being slowly squeezed by a woman can be as phenomenal as ramming her core. It is a matter of presence and where his focus is located. Click here for more on enhancing male sexual experience.

There are SO many nerve endings involved in sex, and a good man, no matter how rough he likes it, will like it better if his wife does not wake up with a bladder infection because his dick was cramming her organs into oblivion.

Try sitting on top so you can control the depth of entry, as well as speed. Also, explore your psyche. See that you really WANT sex, and aren’t just having it to have it. Look at your sexual mind and determine whether there is fear or anger or a history of abuse causing you to tighten when you could be loosely wrapped around your man.

Ultimately, remember that sex is supposed be NICE FOR YOU. Because you are married, I want this to work. But for some in a new relationship, it might be too much for your body to take him in, and that is ok. If you find yourself lying there while he fucks your brains out as you leave the mental building, this is no good. If you are really enjoying yourself, rough or slow, you will know because you will feel joyful and exuberant, not fearful, loathing and infected.

He Puts a Sock ON It

In Sex on January 19, 2010 at 4:18 am

Do their socks offend you?

Dear 27-Year-Old Yenta:

My latest lover is a fetishist. We have had sex and have both pleasured each other manually and orally, but mostly we co masturbate together while kissing and touching. It’s HOT. He loves to suck on my toes, he loves to watch my ass, he masturbates to pictures of my toenail polish that somehow perfectly match my scooter. He is a feet man, and I love the attention to a previously avoided body part.

The trouble is the sock. He places a sock on his dick throughout all of this. All the rest of it…no big deal. But the sock. The sock!

Forever in Flip Flops

Deart FIFF,

So, ask him about the sock. Done. Dear Fetishist Boy Toy: Why must you cover your beautiful penis? I want to see all of you! Boom. Sock removed. Or, he’ll give you a good answer that helps you fall in love with the sock.

Think about the Red Hot Chili Peppers and re-envision the possible sexiness of a sheath on this part of the body. He may be using the sock as a way to envision a connection between his feet, your feet and his genitals as he stares at your toes.

When it comes to fetish behavior, an open mind coupled with open communication yield solid sexual steam.

Delayed Ejaculator

In Sex on January 18, 2010 at 2:01 am

Some men are so used to being stoic and poised they turn to sexual stone.

Dear Yenta,

My friend told me today that she is not sure if her boyfriend is orgasming or not. How common is it for a guy not to be able to come? When she mentioned it to me, I realized there’d been some times when I didn’t know either.

Sincerely,

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

I consulted a number of people for help with this answer, because on first glance the answer seems obvious: if there is cum, he orgasmed. Most of the time with men there is evidence of the orgasm because it is marked by ejaculation. You can check the condom or wherever else for this mark of pleasure.

But, as I asked around and read on, I learned that it is actually common for a man not to ejaculate or orgasm during sex. The factors are many and complicated, ranging from spiritual self-control to emotional blockages, lack of attraction, excessive drug and alcohol comsumption, depression and more.

He could be faking it, click here for a list of ways he might do it. Or, there is a condition called “Delayed Ejaculation” which refers to taking 40-45 minutes for a man to ejaculate, both manually and via sex. If he has this condition he might quit before he comes, just out of shame or sympathy. According to Mayo Clinic endocrinologist Todd B. Nippoldt, M.D., potential causes include:

-Trauma to the pelvic nerves.
-A side effect of certain medications, including some antidepressants
-Excessive alcohol use or illicit drug use
-Neurological diseases, such as stroke or nerve damage to the spinal cord

But the most common cause, he says, is psychological. There are a number of reasons a man might not feel ready to let go in bed. There could be old issues, ie trauma, sexual abuse, general shame surrounding sex and more, or new ones, fears of STD’s, fears of impregnating a woman, and/or lack of trust towards his partner.

There is a myth that men are like cowboys in bed, once on the horse they know how to ride. In truth, though, men DO have feelings, emotions, body image issues and more. Step one is acknowledging the humanity of the male species so as to cue into their sensitivities, many of which can keep them from coming.

As always, the first remedy is to talk to your partner about sex. Ask him about letting go with you, about how pleasure feels for him and about how he knows when he orgasms. Tell him the same about yourself. Does he enjoy it? Etc. Some men are accustomed to holding back, and might need some coaxing, a la Frankie and Johnny where Michelle Pfeiffer convinces Robert DeNiro to scream and yell in expression of his release.

Other men have different capacities. One friend informed me that “it’s possible to orgasm w/o cumming – it’s called multiple orgasm, it’s a play between your muscles and timing. There is a brief window where its possible to ‘hold it in’ so to speak, but the orgasm proceeds anyways. It’s rare and/or takes a lot of practice.”

Or, this dude who seems so subdued in bed might be a tantric practitioner and never comes and always enjoys. Basically, you never know what is going on until you build lines of communication so that eventually he feels safe enough to either a) let go or b) share his thoughts and feelings on the thresholds you are crossing together.

Ultimately, like a woman, for a man to let go in bed might involve some tenderness, some affection, maybe even some new crazy bedroom moves. Shame is also part of their sexual education, so do your best to uneducate. Bottom line: check in with your partner and see how he is feeling, maybe even every step of the way.

Doing It Rough, Safe

In Sex on January 13, 2010 at 12:28 am

Crawling for her master in the BDSM classic, Secretary.

Dear Yenta,

I have never struck a woman, never even been remotely aggressive. In fact, I might practically be too gentle in bed, and have had complaints from girlfriends who wished I would pump them harder.

On the flip side, I love porn. I not only love porn, I love gruesome porn, like gang-bang porn, close-up on the anal porn, anything that is rough. I am pretty much disgusted sometimes by my own choices, even tend to turn off the videos when I can see that the women in them are numbed out.

Am I a freak? I feel like a bomb waiting to explode.

-Two-Faced Lover

Dear Two-Faced Lover,

On the TV show Six Feet Under there is a whole stretch where all Brenda wants is “normal healthy sex,” which she defines as sex without kinks or tools or whips. She wants a vanilla life in bed so as to somehow prove her sanity.

Brenda, however, was judging herself and her sexual practices by labeling one form of expression “normal.” No one should be judged for what turns them on unless it directly harms the life or health of another, mentally or physically, in an undesirable way. Some women want to be faux-raped, some men want to be tied up and beat up. There is no normal when it comes to sex, it comes in all different kinds of whacked out forms. One thing people make a mistake of doing is judging their sexual choices, attempting to translate “smack my ass” to “wow, I am a real self-inflicted misogynist.”

Sex is its own language, not necessarily an acting out of social order, rather an expression of the subconscious using external props and scenarios as tools. This, in simple terms, means that wanting to bang your girlfriend hard does not mean you hate her and want to kill her (necessarily), rather that that is your source of pleasure. You could exhaust yourself and ruin your sex life by examining your desires, or you could learn to safely integrate them into the bedroom.

In the movie Secretary some crazy things went down between Maggie Gylenhaal and her man including peeing her wedding dress, crawling like a stuffed pig, and more. This seemed messed up to a big chunk of viewers, but it was consenting sex between two partners. Key word, once again, “consenting.”

Do you like the missionary sex you have been having? Is this pornographic roughness something you desire in real life? Or is it just a fantasy? It sounds to me like you are repressed in the bedroom, perhaps terrified of SEEMING like a rapist, an abuser, or some sort of harmful agent. This is the only thing I see as needing examination. Why do you feel that sex must be gentle if you might enjoy it more rough? Are you afraid of emulating some figure that was forceful and abusive to women in your past? Do you see women as fragile puppies? They aren’t.

If you like it in the ass, do it in the ass. If you like it with a rough edge, a pinch, punch or slap, go for it. Just make sure she/he is along for the ride, enjoying it, and not drugged or checked out like some women in the porn you have been watching. (Which, btw, is disturbing to many-a-viewer who likes the idea of roughness, but not the reality. Few trustworthy people want to orgasm while willingly witnessing a teenager being taken actual advantage of.)

As you step off the vanilla sex circuit, perhaps take a few hints from the BDSM community. BDSM stands for Bondage Discipline Sado Mashochism. “For most people who engage in sadomasochism, sensations which normally cause pain, actually evoke sexual pleasure” writes Jessica Burge in According to Sexual Sadomasochism: Abuse or Harmless Play. The difference between rape and desirable roughness is the ability to consent to and control the sexual activity. This community has integrated a whole complex set of rules to keep sex, in any form, safe for the participants.

Safe Words are a big part of naughty role play. These are basically new words for “no” and have to do with upping your bedroom communication skills. For other BDSM terms and concepts, click here, but beware, not for the faint of heart.

Communication is the key ingredient to good, safe sex. TALK to your sexual partner; state your needs, your fears, your secret so-called “sick” desires. Listen back. She also needs to be more honest. If she wants it rough, she should be able to tell you. See if you two can navigate the dirty space you seek on the interweb, bringing all your most intricate fantasies to life. You never know what your partner wants until you begin to ask.

For more on creating a safe space for rough sex, an expert on S&M communities in major cities writes, “I would suggest just finding the BDSM organization based in the person’s city or in the nearest large city. In DC I think the biggest organization (although I’m not certain, I’m not really involved) is Black Rose (http://www.br.org/), and the website has a lot of great resources for beginners. I’d guess that most organizations like that would be the same.” Black Rose hosts free meetings with a tutorial on how to navigate the space of role-play and sexy violence.

Also, check out these books:

Consensual Sadomasochism: How to Talk About and How To Do It Safely by William A. Henkin and Sybil Holiday

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice, edited by Mark Thompson

The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren

For more on the ethics of the whole sexual expression business, check out Women’s Studies course listings. I took an amazing class with the brilliant Professor Rebecca Lester at Washington University in St. Louis called Gender, Culture and Madness.

Have more questions? Send me an anonymous e-mail to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com via www.send-email.org.

Painful Pap

In Mental Health, Sex on January 7, 2010 at 7:00 am

Dear Yenta,

At my pap smear last week it was a horrible, failed attempt. Not uncomfortable, not awkward, but excruciatingly painful. The doctor kept telling me to relax, and I was trying (it was hard – this doctor had the worst bedside manner), but I guess I just couldn’t. I was so tense that the doctor gave up, or maybe I kicked the doctor out. But at some point, the doctor indicated that she didn’t know what my problem was and then asked if I had every been sexually assaulted. It’s probably a fair question. But my
response was “not that I’m aware of,” because that’s the truth. I don’t think so, but clearly I have some issues down there, and I don’t know why. But the really weird thing is that I started crying after I answered her (and truth be told, I’ve started crying every time I’ve thought about it since, including now).

I’ve had sex once. Or we tried to. But it was really painful, so we stopped. There was penetration, which I know because it was really bad pain and significant bleeding. My boyfriend at the time was traumatized. We stopped. It hasn’t happened since. I haven’t dated anyone since – and a major reason why I haven’t wanted to date anyone is probably because I’m scared of having this conversation with the next guy. I shouldn’t feel traumatized by sex and I don’t want to traumatize anyone else.

Do I need a therapist? Or just a better ob/gyn? They’re all so impatient with me and the pain. Please help me. This is the first time I’ve expressed this to anyone.

Sincerely,

Terrified

Pain is often a big red siren directing us towards a repressed truth.

Dear Terrified,

If I had giant wings, I would reach down and wrap them around you. I am so sorry that you have been going through this, and completely alone, no less. Unfortunately, what is happening to you is completely normal.

There are a number of things to address here. First, a well-trained doctor would never be angry with a woman for being in pain and afraid. I will say that your doctors sound like they have been poorly educated. An OBGYN should be well trained at the art of entering a woman’s body, and considering the prevalence of sexual abuse, they should almost always approach a body with this in mind.

What I have heard from therapists and midwives along the road is that they are not thoroughly trained in sexual abuse, memory repression, orgasm dysfunction and other troubles in the pelvic region unless working specifically in the field. You absolutely CAN expect to find a sensitive doctor, gyno, or therapist who knows about physical trauma and treats your body with care.

Things you can do as a patient to protect yourself: search for doctors who have experience with feminist philosophy, sexual abuse, and other similar themes. Always take it upon yourself to inform your doctors of your condition. Enter every appointment, despite the awkwardness, and say, “Hi, I have some issues with pain and fear in my vaginal region. I don’t know the root of it, but I often panic in the stirrups, so please handle me with care.” If they are still rough, leave the office and write the medical association.

Second, whether you were or weren’t sexually assaulted or abused may, at this moment, be beside the point. The most important thing on your menu is dealing with this sense of trauma, and being sure to find help so that you don’t drown in the pain that revolves around these intense and sensitive issues. Find a therapist, ASAP. You can go the physical route and find a physical therapist who specializes in “pelvic floor therapy.” These PT’s have extensive training in the myriad of vaginal pain dysfunctions and skills to work with them directly. You must, however, be comfortable with the therapist as the majority of their work is manually soothing this part of the body.

To address the emotional, and for guidance on how to handle your particular dilemma call The National Sexual Assault Hotline, which helps with everything from panic to seeking counseling on the phone and online. Call 1-800-656-HOPE or go to RAINN.org. This is free, so whether you do or don’t have insurance, were or weren’t abused, you can still start here.

With insurance or other forms of payment there are a number of gentle body-centered therapeutic modalities that don’t involve going inside your body. Specifically search for a practitioner with childhood trauma, sexual health, sexual abuse and or feminist modalities on their profile. You can call a therapist and ask for a phone consultation, see if you feel comfortable talking to them before shelling out the dough. A few other gentle modalities (click on the name for a link to therapists) that might appeal to you: Body Psychotherapy , EMDR , and The Alexander Technique. Another route? See a Sexologist. Also, a regular yoga practice and acupuncture treatments can drastically reduce the effects of trauma on the body and mind.

Steer clear of anyone who thinks you are making things up. The body never lies, and yours is clearly trying to tell you something, what, we can’t be sure. A good therapist will know that the whole truth cannot come out in just a few hours, especially if the patient can’t even access it on her own.

The inability to recall trauma is a normal. The body is a giant store of information, and often our minds can’t stomach the truth. There is a common phenomenon among survivors of abuse that involves forgetting large chunks of personal history. Dissociation to memory can occur for a number of reasons ranging from a failure to encode memory because you emotionally blacked out, all the way to a built-up repression over time that prevents you from being capable of accessing certain painful memories. See books below for more on this phenomenon.

Whether it is trauma or something else, I want you to find love and be happy. By honestly facing the physical pain, and exploring that pain with trained professionals who address the mind and the body, professionals who specialize in these types of issues, you will find love again, once you heal some of these wounds so that trust is again possible. Be patient though, healing is not easy and it takes time.

Books that may help:

For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Reclaiming Your Sex Life by Doctors Jennifer and Laura Berman and/or check out their clinic’s website in Chicago.


Sexual Healing: Transforming the Sacred Wound,
Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body, and Waking the Tiger: The Innate Capacity toTransform Overwhelming Experiences, all by Peter Levine

The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment by Babette Rothschild

For information on men and sexual trauma, click here.

Have a burning question? Ask me anything by clicking here and sending your e-mail to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

Sayonara, Don Juan

In Breakups/Divorce, Dating, Drama, Sex on January 7, 2010 at 12:54 am

He might be pretty, but next to him, you are invisible.

Dear Yenta,

I started dating/sleeping with a guy I recently met in my social group. After a short time I realized he’s an egomaniac, and the sex isn’t as good as I thought. How do I end it and still make it feel okay to see him socially?

-Doing a Narcissist

Dear DAN,

Gross, sex with an egomaniac can’t be good. I just imagine you two on a bed while he watches himself in the mirror, posing in all sorts of odd positions, you naked in his peripheral vision.

If you want to stop sleeping with him AND preserve the love, you need to step up and be the mature and amicable adult. This means give him a little hug and say you are through, that’s the easy part.

I consulted a sage on the topic of ending casual sexual relationships and his advice is as follows:

“I would say
End it in a nice way
Offer a hug or whatever

Say you still want to be friends

And then it’s up to you to be comfortable around him, even if he doesn’t take it well at first.”

The hard part is two-fold. A) Sticking to your decision to leave a man once you announce an exit can be hard when the relationship is only about sex. You will have to be strong and hold to your word. This not only keeps you honest, but also works towards issue B. B) You need to smile and be a warm friendly presence when you see this dude again if you want friendship. It is basically up to you to keep things as un-awkward as possible. So, vow to be normal and nice in the future, and see if you can handle your decision.

Awkward is contagious, and so is grace. But beware, some men have a resistance to forgiveness and feel generally castrated by the ending of a sexual relationship. Others take a hot minute to come around after being dissed, so be patient. If in time he can’t handle being as sweet as you choose to be, then cut your losses at that. What’s worse? Dissatisfactory sex with a self-stroking egomaniac, or, life without him as you search for a proper lover?
Have a burning question? Ask me anything by clicking here and sending your e-mail to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

Bedside STD Whispers

In Dating, Sex on January 5, 2010 at 6:38 am

If the condom comes expired, opened, or with a hole in it go to 7-11 for more. ASAP.

Dear Yenta,

I enjoyed your recent guidance regarding avoiding STD’s, but I’m
struggling with the practical implementation of some of your advice.
Specifically, how exactly does one politely ask a potential sexual
partner if he or she is presently infected with a venereal disease?

What would the Yenta say in such a situation?

And moreover, if the person is forthcoming enough to reveal an
infection how do you politely tell the person that you are no longer
interested in pursuing a physical relationship?

Thanks,
Safest Sex

Dear Safest Sex,

When I was a sex educator in high school, we were taught all different ways to tell if someone had an STD. What we learned, besides that if you wrap a man’s penis in a towel soaked in vinegar that spots might show if he has sub-surface warts, was that you really can never tell who has an STD.

Some STD’s have no symptoms, others take up to six months to show and go in and out of remission. This is just meant as a reminder of how vital the “talk” is. Part of having a healthy sex life is being able to talk about sex. If you can’t talk to your partner about sex, then chances are you aren’t ready to be having it.

That being said, the question is not so much, “do you have a venereal disease?” as much as a general discussion around exposure. All of us should be getting tested with our partners, and this conversation is one that revolves around the potential for sex. “Hey honey baby, I like you and things have been heating up. I think we should be safe if we decide to go further. Can we talk about this?”

Safe includes, “when was the last time you were tested for STD’s? Have you been sexually active since then?” This is a question about health maintenance, not so much about “are you infected?” For those who love a one night stand, a good litmus test for how things will go in the sack is how your lover can handle this simple question.

The truth is, though, with sex-hungry strangers: they might lie. The only way to truly prevent STD’s is to not have sex until tested WITH your partner. (Or become a devoted masturbater.)

That being said, let’s say your lover is infected. Before deciding it is grounds for dismissal, I think it is really important to research how to enjoy sexual activity with STD’s. Basically, avoid connecting open wounds, etc with blood, semen, and general body fluids, use a condom/dental dam, etc., and be creative. In 40 Days and 40 Nights the sexual chemistry was so intense, Josh Hartnett used an orchid to provoke an orgasm without even laying a finger on his lady-friend.

For those of you with STD’s wanting to talk to your partner about having one, click here for more help. One thing I loved on this site was this woman’s advice about how saying you have an STD is not a confession, rather, it is a discussion. There shouldn’t be filth or shame attached to divulging the truth. Anyone could have one. There is no moral code to venereal disease.

For those of you with STD’s who feel doomed to sexual solitude, try PositiveSingles.com. Way easier to start with the truth and go from there.

And finally, if you feel that an STD is grounds for dumping your partner, then chances are you didn’t love them too much to begin with. Be honest, “I can’t have sex with you if you are infected, but it was fun while it lasted.” There is no polite way to dismiss someone for their disease. Follow the same code you would use if you were ending a strictly sexual relationship. Usually it starts with the door.

Best thing to do is to ask yourself what you would do with your lover if you knew they had an STD before having the conversation. If the answer is, “walk,” then walk first, before hurting someone. Getting physical isn’t worth causing people emotional pain. Sex is fun, but if you really care about someone, you will find a way to make love to them, regardless.

New Year’s STD No-No

In Mental Health, Sex on January 3, 2010 at 2:05 am

Dear Yenta,

On New Year’s Eve I got a little stupid. I hate the holidays because I lost my sister to an accident a few year’s back and things get emotionally ugly around Christmas. This year I got wasted and slept with someone who I knew had genital warts. I was drunk and not thinking and feeling like crap and am worried now that I might have infected myself. I pretty much hate myself right now. Fix it?

Ugh. Happy 2010.

-Ready for Next Year to Come

Dear RFNYTC,

I don’t think I can fix this one for you, but I can give you a virtual hug and try to help you stop hating yourself. STD’s are the devil, they sneak around every corner. The worst element of the suckers is that people think they are alone and feel ashamed of having been sexual.

Maybe sit on the subway or on the bus or at the airport and take a look around. According to Simplexlove.com, “One in five people in the United States has an STD.” So clearly, if you are standing in a sea of humans who appear to be healthy, perfect, and normal, chances are they are perfect and normal with some sort of itch, burn or growth down below. Don’t hate yourself for being human in a diseased age.

Do, however, learn from your mistakes. You may or may not have an STD. Regardless, take this as an opportunity to do a few things.

For one, perhaps, knowing that this time of year brings up memories, pain and grief, it is best to take some precautions in the future. Line up a less tempting New Year’s plan, connect with whatever supports you, be it religion, nature, sports, friends, family, therapy, hot springs, you name it. Just make sure, like brushing your teeth and changing your sheets, you find time in advance to plan the darkest weeks of the year so that when you do fall apart, you don’t fall to pieces.

Second, deal with your sex life. With or without an STD, sex can be fun, crazy, and whatever else you wish it to be. In truth, though, humans at this point are walking infections, so make sure you take precautions to protect yourself from contracting piggyback sexually transmitted diseases. Generally, when you have one, it makes you way more susceptible to more because your immunity is weakened.

Make sure, in the words of Salt N Pepa, that you talk about sex and STD’s. A bedside conversation can be a) revealing b) trust-provoking c) sobering and d) vital to the safety of both you and your buddy.

If you are having sex with a long-term partner, get tested before you get nasty. If you are having sex with randoms, get tested regularly as well. If playing with strangers, there are a number of new tips to follow. For one, remember that fluid, not sex, causes disease transmission. And with some, simple contact does the job, ie, rubbing against sores, warts, and so on will pass the STD on without any secretions to begin with.

Know that you are taking a risk with any stranger, and be sure to keep your genitals either covered in latex, dental dams, condoms and the like, or limit your games to hands reaching across a bed. Be creative, intercourse is not the only road to release. As Mary-Kate put it on Weeds, “My virginity is for my husband, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun.” Abstinence is not just for Jesus-believers. Sex without intercourse can be equally satisfying, if not twice as erotic and way less risky. We haven’t even mentioned babies.

And lastly, forgive yourself. Everyone makes messy mistakes when they are miserable. Some hurt their friends or family, others abuse drugs and alcohol. Still others resort to sex, to violence, to self-abuse, to animal abuse and more: the “evil” deeds of humans are countless, and almost always are a result of poorly managed pain. Suffering, or really the avoidance of suffering, often leads to poor choices. You are no sinner, just maybe need a hug.

For more help with STD questions:

Call Planned Parenthood National Hotline, 1-800-230-PLAN (7526), Available 24/7, counseling and clinic referral on STDs, pregnancy and other sexual health issues.

Also check out Go Ask Alice through Columbia University for answers to more specifics and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life for answers to EVERYTHING sexual.

Freeze My Eggs?

In Career, Parents, Sex on December 30, 2009 at 6:42 am

Dear Yenta,

I’m 27, I’m single, and I’m really busy with my career. Should I freeze my eggs now? If so, how much does it cost and how do I do it?

-Impatient

Photo courtesy of FreezeHappy.com

Dear Impatient,

According to a number of sources online, you are too young to be freaking. I do, however, like your forward thinking. The concept of freezing eggs means you don’t want to rush. Too many women flip out about the ticking clock in their uterus, and jump into loveless fear-based marriage.

As for freezing your eggs, women and fertility don’t necessarily follow some kind of code. As stated by the Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago: “Every individual and couple is unique and could be more fertile or less fertile as compared to the average for their age. Some 30 year-olds already have significant egg quality and/or quantity issues and some 43 year-olds can be fertile.”

If you want to freeze your eggs now, go for it, but there is only a 50% chance of pregnancy and the price is steep, $10-$15,000 a frozen crop. For more on freezing eggs now to have babies later, read this article.

To freeze eggs and for more information about the whole ordeal, try Extendfertility.com. They have locations in Austin, Boston, New York, Beverly Hills and Seattle.

One friend said she would never freeze her eggs, because “that’s just like giving up.” Another suggested letting life take its course, and if time runs out, head for an adoption agency. Tons of children need mommies. In the end, though, know that you never know how long your eggs will stick around, possibly well into your forties.

You don’t know whether you even have any viable ones at this moment, and statistically, if you buy numbers, you are not in the “danger window” at 27. Even though the body is unpredictable, and infertility comes without forewarning, I would say write back when we are both 37, then those freezers might make a bit more sense.