Dear Yenta,

I feel like a bad wife, but what do you give a man for Valentine’s Day? Help!

-Giftless

Maybe renting a vintage car is the way to stimulate his aorta. Photo courtesy of davidhenrygerson.com.

Dear G,

I watched a terrible episode of the Today Show with the “my bosses are at the Olympics” stand-in cast where they had an “expert” on how to please your man on the show. This dude, truthfully, was slightly rude and mostly lame. But…his big suggestion for a woman who was receiving everything from her man, was to give him sexual favors in return.

I like this idea, but I hated his delivery. Chocolate and romance don’t equal blow jobs, but they can if you wish for this to be the trade. Yes, sexual favors, tricks, a whip, some handcuffs, a negligée, an apron and nothing else: these things can please a man. According to the dufus on that show, this is how you keep a man. I like to think there are more ways to a man’s heart than through his penis.

In fact, as a vote for the humanity and complexity of men everywhere, I suggest the following ten gifts as byways to his heart:

1) A love letter that tells him how much and why you love him. Yes, men need reminding too.

2) How about pleasing other body parts? Give him a card good for one foot rub, back rub, scalp rub by yours truly. Or, purchase a massage from a professional.

3) Take him somewhere he has never been. Yes. A good man loves to be reminded how amazing his woman-friend is by being surprised by her depth and complexity. Show him a hike, a restaurant, a part of the city he has never been. Take him away and expose him to knowledge, you genius.

4) You say flowers, he says plants. A real man will appreciate living flora and fauna too.

5) Show him you know him. Find him a book or magazine subscription on a subject he appreciates. This is an amazing gift when it reflects that you listen to and notice him.

6) Indulge his vanity. Clothes. Underwear. Shoes. A Tie. As long as you aren’t trying to change his style, outfit your man with things you know he wouldn’t buy himself.

7) Dance classes/Yoga classes/a gym membership. This only works if he is already into exercise. DO NOT GIVE A FAT MAN AN EXERCISE GIFT, unless he has already begun the commitment on his own. One is cruel judgment, the other is support.

8/ Food, baby. Food. Cook him something he loves and make it clear it was for him and his desires specifically.

9) Or…buy him groceries. This is a fantastic gift. Buy him a week’s worth of food for his fridge and wrap those Trader Joe’s bags with a giant bow. Make sure this fits with your relationship and doesn’t come across as a cynical “here, take care of yourself, you lump.”

10) Do what he loves with him. Show him you want to know his world. Ie, if he loves Masters of Warcraft, tell him the plan is pizza and video games, together. Rent his favorite car for an hour/day. Is he a runner? Go on an early morning run, but plan the route and treat him to breakfast at the end. A junk hauler? Haul the debris.

These are only a few ideas. Remember not to think of a man as two-dimensional. The media shows us that men are simple and boring. They aren’t. Remember what you know of him and then shower him with the gift he would never give himself.
Romance is a two-way street.
Make him LOVE Valentine’s Day.