If The Bachelor Had a Shrink

In Drama, Sex on March 2, 2010 at 3:47 am


If I could pause this absurd show that has sucked two hours of my Mondays for weeks now, I would. I would pause the show, send a trained professional to step onto those boats, put a towel on those naked girls, and witness a talking to with both parties involved. Yes, there should be an arsenal of therapists to walk these men and women through the darkness of their shoddy stabs towards intimacy.

Vienna, I fear, will cheat on the Bachelor and leave him, down the road, with a patchwork of a heart. Tenley, I fear, is insane and should probably be mourning somewhere with some tea rather than attempting to fall in love on national television. Note to self: never date anyone obsessed with former broken heart. Also, beware of anyone who does interpretive dance on a third date.

A few moments I would like to pause.

1) Vienna Meets the Fam
Dear Lord, if you ever take a woman home and she has the manners of a backwoods sixteen year-old girl, possibly on coke, then walk away. Yes, veneers are only veneers, but those moments can indicate a strong lack of class, further reflected in fugly tattoo choices.

2) Bachelor on boat with Tenley.
Bachelor: “I don’t feel crazy passion for you physically. When I met you, I felt something so deep I had never felt it before.” Mofo, you are describing something specifically called “intimacy.” He says the emotions are so intense but the connection is awkward. Isn’t that what happens sometimes, for those who haven’t gotten truly intimate in their lives?

Edging closer to the core of a heart and soul can wreak complete havoc. It can show you all your parts, the good the bad and the ugly. Think weird first kiss, think Lili Taylor’s sex scene in Dogfight. Nearing the emotional edge, nearing real love: this forces real self-awareness, real 20/20 vision to all flaws and, almost harder to stomach, all goodness. It yields, in some cases, awkward vulnerable sexy time.

3) MMM…I Love Rubbing Mud on Vienna
Really, Mr. Pilot, who wouldn’t? She is fun, she is curvy, and she is in love with you. But when a woman says she found herself when she found you, that is called creepy codependence. Step back. Quick. I foresee spastic phone calls, jealous fears, and a lot of infidelity.

And then this weird romantic chunk comes rearing through all my judgments and I wonder if Jake is meant to be with this low-class faux blonde. I also, though, wonder if he couldn’t handle real love, couldn’t handle real happily ever after. This dude loved that someone like Vienna, so hip and so hot, could love a dweeb like him.

The key phrase for me was when he said to Tenley, “I have never felt anything like this deep emotional connection.” Maybe she was a disaster, or wrong for him, but I like, in my non-Bachelor real-life vision of love off the camera, to have faith more in the deep stirrings of the soul than in the extreme heat between the sheets. I like the idea of both at once, but who knows what happens with a love so pure, a Tenley and Vienna sandwich could cause spontaneous combustion: like getting too close to the holy grounds.

The moral of this trashy story: sex can lead to marriage, love can be wasted, men can be naive, and never trust anyone you meet in a vacuum on national television to remain as such for life. Thank goodness this month’s smutty TV addiction has come to a close.

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