merissanathangerson

Archive for the ‘Mental Health’ Category

I’m A Dating Machine

In Dating, Drama, Mental Health on April 29, 2010 at 10:16 pm

Sometimes the uniqueness of humans is daunting. Photo courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

I am currently seeing 3 people, I like them all for different reasons, and I am having fun.   Although, I do feel cheap at times, and like I am using people.   I don’t know what to do. I spend a lot of time keeping these relationships going and am running out of my own personal time.   I would also get bored if I stayed with just one. I don’t want to hurt anyone and there has been no talk of commitment, but something just doesn’t feel right.  Do you have any advice.

Your avid reader,

Morgan

Dear Morgan,

Seems to me that there are two ways to approach this: 1) look at you 2) look at the people you are choosing.  You either choose people who are one-dimensional, and are therefore unsatisfying on their own, or you are diverting attention from yourself so you don’t have to be more than one-dimensional to begin with.

Yes, it is the dimensionality of this dilemma that concerns me.  There is no law about dating one person, and no law about intimacy being a must.  The only rule I would set for dating is your own happiness, and not harming others in that pursuit.  You sound unhappy and like you are harming yourself, using dating as a diversion from sitting still with your insides.

If you find yourself bored and feel cheap, thirsty, and like a user, then you are engaging from a funny angle.  Maybe it is the nature of engagement that is the trouble, and not the choice of partners.  Are you sleeping with them quickly?  Disclosing large secrets about yourself to each one?  Is it too much too soon?  Or are you running too hard towards each other, leaving not enough breathing room?

Dating is a matrix and only you know your own point of entry.  Take a breather, maybe a night off or a morning coffee break if you can’t handle life without the dates.  Look at the different components of this situation.  A)  Who are these people you are dating?  Do you actually like them?  B)  How do you engage them?  With your genitals? Your mind?  Your heart?  All of the above?  C)  What would your ideal partner look like, the person that wouldn’t leave you bored?  D)  What is wrong with you?  Seriously.  Why are you feeling so thirsty and at once so un-sated?  Are you maybe too old for “fun,” in the traditional lacking depth concept of the word?  What are you using these dates to avoid?

Just hunker down and figure your junk out.  It should be easy, then, to decipher a battle plan.  Maybe you need five partners, maybe you need none.  Maybe you need to talk more, hang out less, stop snorting drugs on your dates: change whatever it is that keeps things from feeling interesting.  When life gets dull there is ALWAYS a way to liven things up.  More often than not, though, that dullness comes from within us, a sounding board reminding us to stay on course.

Meditation could help, anything to assist you in turning inwards and finding your answers.  For more on dating multiple partners, click here.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Merissa Nathan Gerson is a fan of
Ask Your Yenta

Radical Tutorial

In Breakups/Divorce, Mental Health on April 26, 2010 at 6:54 pm

Check out Phat Camp at NomyLamm.com.

Dear Yenta,

I grew up in Northern Montana in a small town and have lived here most of my life. I just left my husband of seven years and am feeling curious. He was so very straight and narrow. If my thoughts were ever too far out of his bounds, he shut them down fast. I am excited to be out in the bigger world and want to know about women-positive sites. Can you connect me to things he would have possibly hated?

Thanks,

Liberated

Dear L,

Kudos for leaving, for starting over, and for wanting the things you were told never to want. There is a giant world of feminism, alternative women’s media and more out there. I could probably write you for hours on sites and books. Maybe start by perusing my site, and the links/book list. Check out Bitch Magazine, Bust Magazine, VenusZine, Ms. Magazine and Jezebel.com to fuel your fire.

For some other out-there sites and voices by women/men/in-between choosing radicalism, see below. Again, so much admiration for choosing to walk in your own fire.

NomyLamm.com

DuckyDoolittle.com

LoriMetals.com

JigsawUnderground.blogspot.com

TheBumpideereader.blogspot.com

KnowingMeansSoLittle.blogspot.com

ElanasPantry.com

GossipyYouth.com

NoFauxxx.com

When You Love A Loser

In Dating, Drama, Mental Health on April 21, 2010 at 8:22 pm

Ike was feeding off of Tina's power.

Dear Yenta,

I recently fell in love again with the wrong person. This is a habit that now annoys me because I know what I am doing wrong and still do it. The man is wrong for me because he, quite honestly, is completely crazy. He is violent, irrational, sadistic, unkind and completely ruthless and unpredictable. You probably wonder why I am with him. I see so much beauty in him when he is not being mean. I don’t know, Yenta, what to do now because I am in this, and he has an effect on me that I can’t resist. Help. I know I am smarter than this.

-Self-Crucified

Dear SC,

My first questions for you would be to ask, how bored are you? How happy? How supported and how stimulated? When we take ourselves out of healthy living environments and live in places that draw on our weaknesses, it can be nearly impossible to resist temptation. Your job is to cultivate a life that easily yields healthy choices. And in the process, forgive yourself because self-sabotage is American women’s middle name.

One friend suggests Pema Chodron’s Getting Unstuck on ways to overcome and understand addictive life habits. While alcoholics and narcotics abusers are ushered into meetings for their addictions, women addicted to loving harmful people might not find their support group so easily. (See below for a list of support groups.) You have a problem. For whatever reason you are bending your power and walking towards these “wrong people” with an open heart. You need to face yourself, be honest, and do so with assistance.

Sometimes fierce and bored women choose men that are toxic because it is thrilling, stimulating, an exercise for the mind, body and spirit, a game of survival. Others choose these men because they can’t accept their own goodness, can’t stomach their power and brilliance. You know which of these you are. Work on finding the root to this action. Why would love look like this to you? Professional help could be a great avenue for finding those answers.

And finally, this love is not “love” as much as an addiction to a feeling, ie, “it hurts so good.” There is a rush that comes from being emotionally tortured, but not a lasting one. In that moment it is like when a cat is dropped from a high height and always lands on its feet. You sort of plunge yourself into the depths and get off on the test, finding your footing despite being tripped so hard.

So figure out what it will take to find that footing, that love, that peace inside without needing the eyes of someone with a critical voice and an unstable core. Stop “falling in love with their potential” as one friend puts it, and start being honest with yourself about the whole package. He is nice in the morning, but mean at night. Ok. So nice only comes then, in the morning, and you might need to seek the dude who is nice always, even when angry. Anger is fair, violence and cruelty are not. Advance accordingly.

Read Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change by Robin Norwood or
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

For help and/or basic questions, try an Al-Anon meeting in your city. While the program is designed for people who love alcoholics, the method of this group applies to people who love anyone addicted to self-abuse. What you describe is the pattern of a woman who might benefit from this support network.

In an emergency, or again, with basic questions/help contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

You can also create your own support group as I guaruntee you are not alone. Working with a group of friends to help support each other in setting higher love standards is effective, you can even create your own 12-Steps/Sponsor system where you work through your pasts together and choose people to be on call in dating emergencies.

Take this quiz, “Are You A Bad Boy Addict” from YourInspiration.info:

Are you a genuine Bad Boy Addict? Let’s see.

1. Are you always looking at the cocky, macho type guy who seems tough?

2. Do you want the guy who struts his stuff and exudes sexuality?

3. Will you have sex with a guy who obviously is using you for sex only?

4. Have friends told you that you let men abuse you?

5. Do you only want a man who is distant, independent, and very self confident?

6. Do you choose a man who will quickly physically fight to protect you?

7. When a relationship begins, do you think you can change your man?

8. Do you let a man hurt you physically?

9. Do you let a man criticize you, put you down, and still want him?

10. Do only players turn you on?

11. Are you always available for your loser lover?

12. Does your man always seem unavailable and unpredictable?

13. Do you want an edgy guy who is exciting and dramatic?

14. Do you let your man cheat on you , stand you up, and take it?

15. Has your ‘bad boy’ borrowed money from you and never paid it back?

SM ISO Babysitter/Girlfriend

In Dating, Drama, Mental Health, Parents on April 14, 2010 at 11:47 pm

Mother, may I? No, thank you! Photo courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

I am dating a man 12 years my senior, who is going to court soon to gain custody of his 6-year-old son. Though he previously had custody every other weekend, he has not had a relationship with him for several years due to difficulties with the mother. When he did have custody, he relied heavily on his girlfriend at the time to help care for his child (much to the chagrin of the birth mother). He has made remarks about me playing a similar role in his son’s life. He refers to his son as “the kid” or “the little crumb snatcher” and has nightmares about hitting or molesting his child (he was molested as an adolescent by his sister’s husband). My concern is this: while I don’t mind occasionally helping out & I am sensitive to his fears, I don’t want to be used as a babysitter and/or chaperone. I also think he should bond with his son without me there. How should I deal with this situation?

-Insta-Momma

Dear Insta-Momma,

Honestly, I think you should get out of this situation. It is bad news when a man with serious issues from his childhood chooses to pass off the hard stuff to his woman. This man needs to be in therapy to remedy his nightmares, face his past, and therefore step up as father of the year.

Children grow attached to people, like women who care for them. I think we forget this when we find single Dad’s sexy, that we are dating a man AND his children. If your boyfriend is pawning off parenting on his girlfriends, then his kids are finding attachments to temporary women. Are you looking for marriage? Is this a fling for a moment or an investment forever?

Motherhood is for life. It isn’t a job you get real vacations from, or sabbatical. It is a heart contract, an action contract, and a commitment between you and the children you choose to raise. For this, we have birth control, condoms and choices. Ie, to marry or not to marry, to date or not to date, to bring life into the world, not to bring life into the world. I am, as I witness the horror of shows like 16 And Pregnant, more and more an advocate of abstinence.

Since abstinence is irrelevant, as the children already exist, and since you will probably continue to date this guy no matter what I say, here are some options. For one, set limits. Let this man-friend of yours know that you are happy to be involved – to a point. Make those limits crystal clear and if he crosses your threshold, express it. Yes, how you need to treat this guy is a lot like PARENTING. This involves being clear and being firm so that the child/boyfriend is steered in the proper direction.

Also, a gentle suggestion that he seek a remedy beyond your arms for his nightmares would be a smart move. Not only for you and for him, but for those kids. Violence and abuse recur in cycles for precisely this reason. Fear of hitting someone often results in hitting someone, because the energy bottles up and the thought is planted. Chances are he will hurt someone at some point unless he battles those demons.

It sucks, royally, when people we love were hurt in their pasts. But unless you truly love this man and want to weather many storms, remember that his past is his and you shouldn’t be the one shouldering the pain of his torment. That pain is his to resolve, and yours to know of, to rub his back, to support him, but not to carry as your own.

For parenting/step-parenting resources, see below:

Package Deal: My (not so) Glamorous Transition From Single Gal to Instant Mom by Izzy Rose

BecomingaStepmom.wordpress.com

The I Hate Being a StepMom forum.

TheStepMomsToolbox.com

Forcing Dogs On The Phobic

In Drama, Mental Health on April 10, 2010 at 4:13 pm

Sometimes our vision warps thanks to past traumas. Photo courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

I had some bad experiences with dogs when I was younger and prefer not to be around them. A lot of my friends have been getting dogs lately. Jeesh! You would think these dogs were their children! Some of them cook special vegetarian meals for them, dress them in sailor outfits and when I come to visit, they talk to the dogs more than me. Everything seems to revolve around the canines. A lot of them are ill-mannered and misbehave. I have actually been bitten by one, and my friend hardly acknowledged the event.

I love these friends and want to spend time with them but I don’t want to
hang out with their dogs. And please don’t say “meet them out somewhere”
because they’ll bring their dogs with them!! Any ideas on how to handle
this situation?

-Enough already with the dogs!

Dear EAWTD,

If you had been gang raped recently and then went to your friend’s house for dinner and she insisted on inviting large groups of strange men to join you, it would be rude. Yes? Yes. When you have been traumatized and the choices of your friends retrigger your trauma, it is something you should feel safe addressing. You need to be honest with these people, not about the humanization of animals, but about how uncomfortable you feel in their homes.

It is not a matter of sequestering the puppy, I understand that fear. People often grow protective, sometimes even defensive and vicious on the topic of wanting you to love their pets. I had one friend with a cat who would force me to pet and love it because she insisted the cat could sense my apathy towards it. It is weird and slightly controlling to presume everyone will love your newly purchased dog. Approach this friend knowing that they like mothering a bitch. Ie, be cautious with your approach and make it as about you as possible.

“I love you and I love coming over to your house, but when I was a teenager three dogs attacked me and tore off my missing pinky, the one you always ask about. Anyway, it is really hard for me to be around animals now, could we maybe keep Fido in the other room when I come over?” If they can’t honor your feelings when stated in such a way, a way that doesn’t sideline the dog and highlights your sensitivity, then maybe take a break from spending time together while they are honeymooning with their K9.

All in all it boils down to asking for what you need. It is impossible for people to resolve all their traumas at once. This looming one is one you should handle with care by finding a way to spend time with these people without inducing a panic attack. In the meantime, on your end, maybe consider this plethora of dogs as a calling to your fear, reminding you that there is something inside of you that might need conquering.

Check out this article on helping kids overcome their fear of dogs, the simplicity of her advice might be easiest to apply, or read this article on releasing yourself from this fear. You could also visit Phobia-Fear-Release.com or try buying this hypnosis video.

Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation 101

In Mental Health, Sex on March 29, 2010 at 9:32 pm

Dear Yenta,

I recently heard about autoerotic asphyxiation. If someone dies this way, is it suicide by masturbation? I am confused.

Sincerely,

Creeped Out in Texas

You say potato, he says hanging can be delightful.

Disclaimer: PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. I DO NOT CONDONE LIFE-THREATENING SEXUAL PRACTICES.

Dear COIT,

Also known as “The Breathless Orgasm,” erotic strangulation is a complicated method to orgasmic madness. In layman’s terms, this sexual practice involves restricting airflow either through a noose, a plastic mask, or any other number of methods in order to induce a type of hallucinogenic blissed-out state.

The pleasure-causing agent is hypoxyphilia, defined by Sex-Lexis.com as “facilitated by the lack of oxygen produced by self-strangulation or from being strangulated or asphyxiated by a sexual partner, up to, but not including, the loss of consciousness.”

Restricting airflow has been a means of inducing highly ecstatic and/or sexual states since the 1600’s. Breathwork is generally used as a religious and spiritual healing method, and used to calm the body and/or induce extreme pleasures. See Conscious Breathing: How Shamanic Breathwork Can Transform Your Life by Joy Manne. So it makes sense that this type of breath control/restriction induces something of a high, like being on the top of Mount Everest and heaving for air.

Auto-erotic asphyxiation, according to GoAskAlice, “is the practice of cutting off the blood supply to the brain through self-applied suffocation methods while masturbating.”

Asphyxiation, ie, cutting off breath, was used to cure erectile dysfunction back in the day. And when men die by hanging, they often die with an erection. This whole phenomenon is complex, and related to oxygen flow, blood flow, and perhaps the eroticization of death and dying. This, coupled with an orgasm, is supposed to provide complex and intense pleasure.

Obviously, when toying with breath restriction, there is the possibility of going too far. For example, see this explicit opening to Six Feet Under where a man dies when strangling himself with his belt to increase his self-pleasure. Or, check out this article in the UK Sun when a pop-star died of “unknown causes.” Doug did it too, on Weeds.

This is rarely a case of suicide, and more often than not, a case of a failed exit plan and freak accidents. Ie, when someone dies from poorly executing their sexual fetish. Most people who engage in this practice do so knowing they are toying with the possibility of death, and therefore make a point to have an emergency way out of their noose.

According to ForensicPsychiatry.ca, “the individual is usually careful to use some kind of safety mechanism intended to prevent accidental death in the event of unconsciousness. In most cases hypoxyphilic deaths are a complete surprise to family and friends as the deceased was typically in a good mood and giving every indication that they were looking forward to the future.”

David Carradine died this way in 2009, read this article from FOX News for more details on his death by erotic strangulation.

The mechanism involved in this type of pleasure is classified as a mental illness in the DSM manual. I am not inclined to agree. Autoerotic Asphyxiation is considered a “paraphilia,” defined by Merriam-Webster as “a pattern of recurring sexually arousing mental imagery or behavior that involves unusual and especially socially unacceptable sexual practices (as sadism or pedophilia).” According to American medical practitioners it seems to be socially unacceptable to want to strangle oneself for the fun of it. As long as they don’t die, I hold off on all judgments.

For more detailed info, try reading:

The Breathless Orgasm: A Lovemap Biography of Asphyxiophilia
by John Money, Gordon Wainwright, David Hingsburger

Autoerotic Asphyxiation: Forensic, Medical, and Social Aspects
by Sergey Sheleg

Will I Ever Find Love?

In Dating, Mental Health on March 28, 2010 at 1:09 am

Fun does not always translate to relationship material. Photograph courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

I think I am going to be a bachelor for the rest of my life, and I am not sure if that’s a bad thing. My life is always in a lovely state of chaos, rarely a dull moment. I love going to the movies/the bar/the theatre/the museums by myself. I like not having to answer to someone. And, if I may borrow from our lady Emily Dickenson a bit, I absolutely love dwelling in possibility. But she died single.

Was she happy to merely “dwell in possibility”? So I think perhaps I am just scared to actually settle down, settle being the operative word. Having only had 3 major loves in my life with a scattering of nipped-in-the-bud potential heartbreaks, maybe I am actually NOT cut out for the whole relationship scene. This path I have carved out for myself is a lonely existence, but at least it’s mine and no one else’s. So I guess the question is Yenta: Never? or Never Say Never?

-Alone Forever

Dear AF,

Oye. Honey, first off, three major loves is more than most people can bargain for in an entire lifetime. You are blessed. As for finding a fourth and lasting major love, you will have to step back and take inventory on your life and your lifestyle.

This process actually completely sucks. It is the tough work of seeing where we are lying to ourselves, and often requires a new friend, a pre-existing honest friend, or an outside party to help reveal the truth. If you are leading a jet set lifestyle, so be it. But if you never stop moving, never rest, it is possible that you are running around to avoid whatever it is you will find when stillness arrives.

This is a common practice – running haywire on adrenaline to avoid the muck. The muck is where the tools for love are. The grit and grime of whatever it is you are avoiding is like a little key. Usually, once discovered, it unlocks a barricaded heart and lets love in.

So, a few questions: are you REALLY happy? Or faux happy? Are you REALLY looking for a partner? Or is now just not your time? Maybe you are living 100% perfectly and the moment simply has not presented itself. Is there a timeline you are working with that makes you feel inadequate right now for not having that type of love?

And then, wonder about your patterns. Look at your past relationships, the big ones. But more importantly, look at the flirtations, the fizzlers, the moments that bombed. What happened? Who are you choosing? Are they men? Boys? Women? Girls? Are you barking up the wrong tree? Or is it the tree right, and you just happen to be climbing all wrong?

If there is something you do regularly to sabotage the possibility of love, it will be hard to determine what it is. Whatever we do to avoid things tends to be momentarily subconscious. So find yourself a battle plan, whether it be a serious solitudal exploration of the interior, a support group of women friends, interviews with all your exes, or an arsenal of professional help. Do what you need to do to figure out where, when, how and if at all you are pushing love away.

Never, my dear, ever, ever, ever say never. We get what we wish for.

She Wants To Sleep With Everyone

In Breakups/Divorce, Mental Health, Sex on March 18, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Desire can be a sign of positive bloodflow. Photograph courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

I’ve been dating my best friend Taylor off and on for about two years now. It’s been really great and I love him so much. He’s helped me through my dad’s death in the past year and we are very close. Lately though I’ve started having feelings towards other people and being less interested when we are intimate. On top of that, I’ve stopped ignoring the feelings I’ve had for one of my good girl friends. She wrote me a letter and in it told me how she’s always felt about me.

She said in it that when she first met me that she knew there was something nerve-wracking and beautiful about me. I don’t know what to do because I think about her all the time and how wonderful it would be to be with her! I think about the way her eyes sparkle when she laughs and how she always looks perfect to me and I just have this desire to be with her, even though she thinks she is dorky. I don’t know if this is just a phase or not. Also, lately I’ve just been wanting to have sex a lot. With Taylor and with my other guy friends that are interested in me, or my ex boyfriends. It’s like I don’t even care anymore.

Am I morally obstructed for wanting to be with more than one person?

-Sweet Jewish Girl

Dear SJG,

You would only be morally obstructed if you were to act on all of your desires while feigning commitment to your boyfriend. There is no sin in entertaining thoughts. However, nine times out of ten, when you start thinking about sleeping with everyone around you more than about sleeping with your man, it is a sign that things between you aren’t right.

When people help us through hard times, it is hard to let them go. Your boyfriend, I have no doubt, is a wonderful man who made the pain of losing your father far less difficult. But just because someone was there when you needed them most does not mean you need to be with them forever. Relationships shift and it might be time to end the romantic element of this one.

According to Elisabeth Kübler Ross, there are 7 stages of grief. These are:

1) Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
2) Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
3) Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
4) Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
5) Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
6) Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
7) Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

You, I am guessing, are somewhere between the Testing and the Acceptance phases. It sounds like you have waxed and waned through the hard work of letting a parent go and are now ready to begin to come alive again.

You can still show your love and your friendship, but sticking around out of obligation or guilt is not what relationships are about. Your desire to sleep with your friend and to sleep with everyone else is just your body’s way of saying that it is time to move on. Get bad with your lesbian half. Find what makes you tick.

Sometimes, sadly, those people who help us through hard times also remind us of the suffering we experienced. It might be time to end your intimacy with your boyfriend because he holds a lot of the grief you just walked through, and now you need distance from those feelings. It isn’t fair, but it can be part of the process of mourning, moving on, and continuing to live a good life.

You only live that good life once, so be true to yourself. You can show your love and appreciation for your boyfriend without being his significant other. It is possible to end this era of the relationship, while expressing how important he was and is to you. For help, see these tips on gentle breakups from AllWomenStalk.com. Figure out what you want and then go get it. Just be sure to be kind and gentle as you untie yourself from this guy: he sounds like someone who deserves it.

A Canadian girl at breakfast this morning also advises going out with a royal final hurrah. She suggests giving your man a threesome before dipping out. To each her own.

She Can’t Stop Masturbating

In Health and Body, Mental Health, Sex on March 15, 2010 at 6:06 pm

Enough is enough. (Ella vibrator/G-spot stimulator from ToysInBabeland.com)

Dear Yenta,

I’m a woman in my late 20’s. I live alone & I have a boyfriend in another country. When I’m busy I watch porn. Sometimes one cum isn’t enough, I have to have 2 or 3 before I stop. Then, it’s 12 am and I haven’t even started what I have to do for the night. It’s affecting my sleep and my productivity. How can I still get my orgasmic needs taken care of while not cheating, or without completely wrecking my nights?

-Horny and Hating It

Dear HHI,

When your orgasms start interfering with your ability to accomplish basic tasks, then you know you have a problem. As much as I am a fan of sex and sexual exploration, open-minded self-loving and general sexual satisfaction, I think this is about way more than “orgasmic need.”

An orgasm can easily be confused with other emotions. When one needs a constant orgasmic release, this might have little to nothing to do with sex, and way more to do with an excess of energy in the body, most often nervous energy, that should be handled in ways far more satisfying than chronic masturbation. It sounds as if you are projecting your life’s anxiety onto your orgasm.

In a number of religious and spiritual practices there is a lot of attention placed on training, suppressing, or fine-tuning sexual energy. I know only a little about chakras, but it sounds to me like you might need yours balanced out. Instead of focusing on how to find the most mind-blowing orgasm, you may want to find other ways to calm your body and mind. Also, look into the emotions wrapped up in your porn addiction: what is it that you are using this practice to exit from? What is your sex practice connected or disconnected to?

Deep Breathing, Qigong, Meditation, Yoga, Acupuncture, Reiki, Acupressure, Reflexology, Running, Swimming, Dancing, Singing: these are all ways of either expelling or redirecting that groin region buzzing. You will probably then find that with slight masturbatory abstinence and a lot of OTHER physical activity, that every orgasm counts for more.

I.e., there are two ways of coming for a woman. (Probably like fifty to a million ways of coming, but here are two disparate examples.) One: you come, come again, come again and keep going for as long as you feel but never are present in your body, nervously triggering the musculature of your interior into a skittish “pleasure” frenzy. OR, Two: you come once, twice, three-five times, but the quantity does not matter. In those instances you are present in your body, experience every nuance of sensation because you are calm and coming to sex for the experience rather than the release.

This kind of orgasm is supreme. It will build and as it does, you will feel that steady increase in intensity. And then, the orgasm itself will be something you can feel not just with your vagina, but also with your feet, your arms, your heart, etc. Obviously this is not the case for everyone, but for you, this is the goal. Stop triggering your clit like a murderous gun and learn to be still with your body so that each orgasm individually satisfies you in a deeper, more comprehensive way.

All in all, my friend, you may simply be a sex/porn/masturbation addict. For help with this and more, try these resources.

FreedomFromPornAddiction.com

Sex Addicts Anonymous

SexualControl.com

Or, you could try seeing a Sexologist, like this one in San Diego, to explore what you are projecting onto your orgasms.

Another avenue, Tantric Coaching.

Or, try this stellar option. It is a CD of subliminal sound training meant to hipnotize you out of your sexual hunger.

Should I Give Up and Move Home?

In Career, Mental Health on March 7, 2010 at 6:52 pm

Dear Yenta,

Several months ago I made a big, gutsy cross-country move, leaving a college that simply felt wrong. I don’t regret this decision; if nothing else it’s made me feel brave, accomplished, and that almost anything is possible. However, now I find myself unemployed, a “college drop-out” (with intentions to transfer when I attain state residency next year), and almost entirely without community. Though aware that I am unsatisfied, I’m unsure of where to turn from here. My family urges me to come home, but I’m reluctant to admit defeat. Should I stick it out and follow my original plan until things fall into place? Or is it time for retreat? Perhaps there is some middle ground?

Thank you,
Lost in the Possibilities

Focusing on dreams can slough away confusion.

I give you an applause and a standing ovation from my little studio. Hoorah for leaping and feeling brave and for facing the terrifying reality of possibility, expansion and change. Alas, those good things come with a heavy underbelly. Think about the matrix existence of Alice in Wonderland, “sometimes I dream as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

I went home to my parents twice after college, tail tucked and all. Both times were prompted because my life was in actual danger. That was when I knew I needed home and family, when I knew it was time to abandon the plan. I think this is a good law to follow: pursue dreams unless health/life are threatened. Then, put dreams on lay away while addressing pressing needs in immediate reality.

One thing no one tells us is how awful it can be, en route to the palace of our delights. I have had some amazing and good things happen in my life, but never without a price. In the end, only you know if this new place is a land of possibilities or a dead-end. Only you know if your dream is one of heart or one of ego, one of real positive trajectory, or one based on running away from another life.

Nick Friedman of College Hunks Hauling Junk, a kid I went to high school with, recently suggested people read this. It is like a ouji board of your own future. He wants people to make a collage of things they desire, a board that outlines the specifics of their dreams. My dad had a book on the same topic, I used to read it years ago, called Creative Visualization: Use the Power of Your Imagination to Creative What You Want In Your Life by Shakti Gawain. Same concept: only one from a self-help guru, and the other from the author of Effortless Entrepreneur: Work Smart, Play Hard, Make Millions.

The unifying idea is to outline your goals so you can start visualizing them. The clearer the vision, the more you begin to shape your life towards it. And remember, the closer you get to your vision, the more things might feel like they are falling apart around you, when, in fact, they may just be falling into place.

Parents, friends from home and relatives can be tricky and often interfere with clarity of vision. Do not let their fear become your fear. Make sure they aren’t, in their attempts to console and comfort you, clipping your wings. I don’t think anyone gets on the phone with this intention, but people’s desires to have their friends and daughters near to them often translate as “don’t fly!” If all birds stayed in their nests, I think those nests would get top-heavy and fall off the tree.

One therapist once told me that my job, as a human, was to leave home and find my place in the world. That this, despite their efforts to squeeze me and keep me near, would be the ultimate way to make my parents proud. Find your own voice. Make that ouji board collage: focus on and locate the specifics of your goals. Giving up kills the soul. Only give up if your actual life is in danger, if you are hurting yourself in any number of ways, or if you feel completely blind.

Start being your own cheerleader. Write yourself kind notes, keep a log of what you did well and right each day. Pat yourself on the back whenever you can. In order to stay strong, you need to build an internal voice that will drive you. As my cousin once said, listening to my low self-esteem as a teenager: “If you don’t believe in yourself, you may as well be sitting on the bench.” You, I am guessing, are more like the star player than the bench warmer.

Your vision sounds alive and clear, so I encourage you to fly far, fly hard and fly high. Know that it won’t be easy, that there will be moments that you will be sure you are insane or lost or completely stupid. But if you have faith in a greater plan for your own life, those moments will be quick, and the fruits of your intent measureless.

For more help building dreams try:
The Creative Visualization Workbook by Shakti Gawain
The Millionaire Course: A Visionary Plan For Creating the Life of Your Dreams by Marc Allen
The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron
or
The Complete Vision Board Kit: Using the Power of Intention and Visualization to Achieve Your Dreams by John Assaraff