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Archive for the ‘Drama’ Category

Jacked Up On Jealousy

In Drama, Marriage on December 22, 2009 at 10:38 pm

Dear Yenta,

My husband and I have been together almost 5 years. When we first met, my husband was embarrassed to admit he’d married his college sweetheart – a marriage that lasted about a year – so he described her as a girlfriend until his big, dark secret was exposed.
I was pissed, naturally, and forbade further contact with her. If he was unable to be honest about the complexity of their relationship then of course he lost his rights to pursuing any further relationship or communication with her. I’m sure she’s a nice enough lady – heck, she doesn’t even live in this country, but she needs to buy a
clue. She knows what happened, knows I’m uncomfortable with her attempts to communicate with him (including attempts within the past few weeks) yet continues to try to make this pair a threesome. No thank you. My husband has no ill will towards her and they share a number of mutual friends, but I don’t care. I come first and am allowed to be selfish about this one. He denies contact with her – which for the most part I believe, yet her subtle ways of trying to engage him in her life have become unbearable for me. She has even gone so far as to friend all of my husband’s siblings on Facebook – some of which were children during the time of their relationship. I know the harsh words of ENOUGH need to come from my husband, but if he’s unwilling say anything to keep the peace, well then what should I do? Is there the possibility that I’ve lost the battle on this win…should I hang my white flag high and let these two have their friendship, but he loses our marriage in the process?

-Down and Out

Dear Down and Out,

This situation has turned into a poorly directed spiral of jealousy, control and deception. When it comes to maintaining an honest relationship, it takes two. One person needs to be open enough for the other to want to share, and vice-versa. You say “I was pissed, naturally” but your anger sounds misdirected. You put it all on this other woman, turning your hurt into jealousy, rather than addressing the rift in honesty in your relationship. Jealousy does not foster this openness.

In the 2.2.04 Psychology Today article, “Advice, A Jealous Fiancée,” Hara Estroff Marano writes:

“A little jealousy is reassuring and may even be programmed into us. It’s very common. A lot of jealousy is scary, and has driven people to some very dangerous behavior. There’s no reason to believe that jealousy will improve with time or marriage … Because jealousy goes right to the core of the self and its roots are deep, it is not something that can be banished by wishful thinking.”

From all the angst in this question I have to wonder first about your own relationship with your husband. Ok, so he married a woman he said he dated. Is he still married to her? No. He left her, found you, and vowed he would be yours until he died. If you don’t trust that vow then you need to revisit your relationship.

You need to search yourself and your partnership for answers, rather than trying to control this woman’s need for reconnection. It sounds like that lie your husband told really hurt you and ruined some sense of security for your marriage. How about starting by addressing that? Click here for help.

It is one thing to be insecure while dating, but marriage is a whole other ball game. It is a partnership that takes sincere long-term investment. And unlike dating, this investment comes from deep within each spouse, rather than deflecting drama to outside parties. It sounds like rather than obsessing over this other woman, who may or may not be a threat, you should start by focusing on the things you can actually impact, which are the communication, honesty, and general feeling of love and safety in your present relationship.

For more help try: Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits that Destroy Romantic Love, or His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, both by Willard Harley..

Couples counseling should come long before Facebook stalking. There are more complex questions to evaluate, like why did your husband feel embarrassed about that first wedding, and moreso, why in front of YOU, his supposed most intimate partner? Also, why won’t he close this woman out of his life? Is it possible that she is an important friend to both him and his family? And that, at the same exact time, so are you? Can’t a man have a woman friend and a wife without it being infidelity? After all, he left her and found you. And finally, let’s say he seeks more from her and is betraying you, you have to wonder why he looks in her direction not yours. Instead of hating her, you need a Cinderella-esque mirror on the wall to explain to you why you might not be, at present, with all this jealousy and controlling fearful behavior, the fairest of them all.

If it seems like I am picking on you, don’t get me wrong, it is only because you wrote in. It sounds like your husband deserves a real talking to and also has some major work to do.

Pacifying the Passive-Aggressive

In Drama, Roommates on December 21, 2009 at 11:09 pm

Cher Yenta,

My roommate bugs the ever-loving SHIT out of me and I can’t quite
explain it. The way she shuffles around the house in her slippers,
the way she leaves notes everywhere, the way she shames the world for
not being as “green” as she claims to be…I’m starting to answer
my own question here, but I wager you have some deep intimate
insight.

Help.

Sincerely,

Killing Me Softly

Dear KMS,

I deeply empathize with you and your housing situation. Once upon a time I lived with 12 writers and artists. Sandwiched between two very poorly soundproofed rooms, I was woken up at multiple intervals in the night by each respective neighbor pleasuring their newly taken lover.

There are a million coping mechanisms when it comes to sound: ear plugs, a white noise machine, a humidifier, earphones, a fan. The list goes on. But coping mechanisms for passive aggressive environmentalists: that is tougher. See PassiveAggressiveNotes.com to know you are not alone.

One thing that helps when it comes to dealing with living with strangers is cultivating compassion. As cheesy as this sounds, I promise it helps. A lot of activists funnel their personal issues into the intricacies of their cause. So when she says “recycle” with a grimace, she might really be saying, “I had no control in my house growing up and was beaten with a belt so I am asserting my voice in my new Craigslist group home.”

Remember that your neighbor also suffers, and that this suffering is often the source of said irritating behavior. Also, some people never learned how to communicate directly. Showing a passive aggressive housemate that confrontation is acceptable, and does not have to be violent, might change things. After all, these annoying patterns often develop out of a childhood where expressing anger was never a safe option.

With my loud neighbors I worked on going inside myself. I made my room a near menagerie and found all the sound buffers I could. I also meditated in an attempt to really see why these people and their loud nature pissed me off so much. It often, I find, takes one to know one. Why, exactly, does her shuffling annoy you? Her passive aggressive nature, beyond the obvious? What in you is unsettled, and being brought up by living with a weirdo?

In that house of unstable artists I did end up moving rooms. In moving I learned that it is sometimes better to start anew than to learn from an itchy situation. In exiting I also realized how horrible my previous situation was, with the lack of privacy, respect, and personal head space. There is such thing as a roommate threshold, and depending on how sensitive you are, you may have just reached yours.

If you are living in a group house, remember that you always have the option to move, and in doing so, might find not only relief, but new and better horizons.

***For some help finding a place to calm yourself for free click here to find the Shambhala center in your city. They provide free meditation instruction, sitting sessions, and Buddhist study groups.

She Reads His E-mails, All The Time.

In Dating, Drama on December 18, 2009 at 6:19 am

Dear Yenta,

I read my boyfriend’s e-mail. What started innocently enough (he
asked me to check his email for him when he didn’t have access to a
computer) has manifested itself into a daily obsession. Part of me
likes keeping tabs on what he’s up to and who he’s communicating
with when I’m not around. Quite often he tells me a story of an
e-mail he received from so-and-so and I have to pretend like it’s the
first time I’ve heard about this although I’ve already read the
e-mail.

If I read something upsetting about me in one of his e-mails (like him
telling a friend how we got into a fight, etc.) I get pissed off. Of
course I can’t tell him outright that I’ve been reading his e-mails,
so it manifests in some other way.

I know I should stop this ugly behavior, but I can’t. What should I
do?

-Nosy and Out of Hand

Dear NAOOH,

Lady, you need to stop and you need to stop now.

You have taken reading emails to a grand new level. It sounds complicated and intricate, all the information you are gathering, and it reveals a lot about your relationship. You have built dishonesty and evasive behavior, embedded it into the walls between you and your boyfriend. This is a loud screaming red siren if I ever saw one.

What we need to wonder in trying to get you to quit, is why this is so alluring. Sure, reading diaries and looking into the lives of others is fascinating. According to an article by the UK Daily Mail, “One in five couples admit to ‘snooping’ by reading each other’s texts and emails.” But you have turned “snooping” into an obsession. This obsession is grounded in a giant power trip, one that hands you a giant emotional upper hand invisible to your man.

What happens if you quit? Hmm? What would make discarding this habit so difficult? For one, you would lose the power dynamic you have now, possibly leaving you starving later. What does this show you about you and your boyfriend? Why don’t you trust him? Why is lying so comfy? This habit reveals some deep-seated insecurities that might need to be solved with some time away from your lover.

How to stop? Quit. Cold Turkey. Talk to him. Address your fears and insecurities about your relationship, stop the giant game you are playing. Get him to change his password. This is a big one. Tell him to change his password, that you are tempted to read his mail all the time and that you would rather not have the temptation. That is a little honest and a lot better than always, forever more, having the option to dip back into his pool of information.

Or lie, say something about how passwords need to be changed, generally. Password = ticket in. You need your ticket confiscated, stat. Evaluating your ties to this bad habit might make quitting easier, that, and you might learn something about what put you in this awful position in the first place. Something about your own personal problems is being glaringly revealed by this scenario.

This sounds like no fun at all. It sounds hard and painful, all that you know each day. The question remains, as with any addict, where does your rock bottom lie? When will the torture of being in a deceptive relationship outweigh the thrill of probing into someone’s every email and then lying to their face while you tell them you love them?

Or, your boyfriend already knows you read his e-mails, and lets you enjoy the pleasure. That changes the power dynamic for sure.

Caught in a Cat Fight

In Drama on December 16, 2009 at 4:00 am

Dear Yenta,

I introduced my friend Jane to my larger group of friends, helped her get a job and a place to live and still keep in fairly close contact with. We share a
mutual friend, Sally, who is upset that Jane does not spend enough time with her and make enough “effort” in the friendship. Jane talks crap about Sally when I see her and Sally talks crap about Jane – down to intimate opinions each one has about their significant others. I find both of these friends have a troublemaking, frenemy side and try to keep my relationship on the surface, but find these point-blank attacks by one friend on the other difficult to deal with. I don’t want to take sides…even if I agree with Jane that Sally’s bf is not a good match for her or agree with Sally that Jane needs intensive counseling.

How should I deal without taking sides or looking
like I’m in cahoots with one over the other?

-Tug-Of-War

Bite marks from a fight between two vicious women.

Dear Tug-of-War,

Lady, just don’t take sides, period. There is no rule in life that you need to be sucked into other people’s drama. This from an expert at drama suckage.

You need to set some limits for Sally and Jane. Try being HONEST and saying you would rather have some sort of pact that you don’t talk about each other. Just be frank, explain that you love both of your friends and would like to not hear about them. It is an awkward and uncomfortable limit at first, but I guarantee that phase will pass. Soon you will find you can talk to Jane and Sally about OTHER things.

When I was a waitress a customer once told my coworker that whenever you talk about other people it is for a reason. The reason could be boredom, lack of interest between you and the conversant, any number of things. Rarely when we talk about others does it come from a sincere space of need. As Buddhist Dharma Punx master Noah Levine once said at Rebel Saint Buddhist in LA: “Whatever people are saying behind your back is none of your business.”

Build yourself a new spine and evade this perpetual cat fight. The world is your oyster.

Brandon Walsh Syndrome

In Drama, Uncategorized on December 13, 2009 at 3:41 am

Dear Yenta,

I have a friend who always goes for the “bad boy” that isn’t
interested. She becomes close friends with these guys and then tries
to draw inferences from the close friend relationships like “we do a lot
of date type stuff together.” I don’t want to hurt her feelings by
telling her they just aren’t that into her, but I feel kind of
dishonest just smiling and nodding every time she talks about these
“relationships.” I obviously think she is great and that the right
guy is out there for her, but listening to her stories tells me he is
not these wild dudes. I also think she is depressed, so I don’t
want to rock the boat and send her spiraling any deeper. What would
you do? Am I being a good friend or should I tell her what I really
think?

-Smile and Nod

Dear Smile and Nod,

What is being a good friend? Is it blindly supporting someone through hard times? Or is it helping someone see themselves more clearly when they have gone temporarily blind? Or, really, is it a balance of both?

Too much truth burns, we all learn that the hard way. But too little makes you a wet rag. All your fear of being honest with your friend sounds like you are enabling her depression. That, and you sound a little afraid of her.

There are ways of saying, “he isn’t worthy of you,” “you deserve someone who…. Listens, cares, shows up, etc.” You don’t need to bash her choices, but you can insinuate that there are more options, that it is ok to dream big and expect bigger results. One element of depression is a narrow and skewed vision of the world. Without commenting on her sour lovers, you can still easily coax your friend into believing she deserves more.

Also, teetering on the edge of a depressive downfall, your friend is responsible for how deep she lets herself sink. It is nice to be there, but try not to be too Brandon Walsh or Dan Humphrey. This means let her worry about her, and you about you, while still showing your love and positivity so she might find her own way out of this quagmire.

The Mommy and the Medelach

In Dating, Drama on December 12, 2009 at 11:00 pm

Dear 27-Year-Old Yenta,

As Chanukah approaches, I fear that my boyfriend will think my latkes
aren’t as good as his mother’s.

This happens every year and we always have a big fight about it. He
likes mine well enough, but he’s always saying how his mother uses
more salt or chops the potatoes this way or that way. I want him to
accept me as I am, latkes and all!

Thank you,
Lately Always Testily Kvetching Everything

Dear Latke,

Um…this has nothing to do with your boyfriend accepting you. If he is Jewish, and so is his mother, then you should stop fighting and start eating fried pancakes. A Jewish mother always comes before a Jewish wife/girlfriend, that’s just the way it is. Jewish men are kings in the eyes of their mommys, so why mess with an ancient system?

Did you wipe his tush? Breast feed him? Clothe and feed him for eighteen years? No. Your role is big, but hers, and her latkes, will always be bigger. If he likes his mother’s latkes more it doesn’t reflect on how much he likes you. In fact, I can’t believe I am still writing this reply. This is a non-issue. You = girlfriend. NOT mother. The end.

Plus, you and his mother should probably both step aside because my mother’s latkes will always dominate. Now there’s something to really worry about.

Product Placement

In Drama on December 8, 2009 at 11:33 pm

Dear Yenta,

I’ve noticed that my shampoo has been consumed at an alarmingly fast
rate since my roommate’s fiancée moved back into the house.
I wrote it off as my own paranoia about my toiletries, but I just got
home and saw him holding my shampoo in his hand as he was about to
wash his hair in the kitchen sink (entirely different issue, do you
answer plumbing questions too?). Anyway, I want to confront him about
it, but I don’t want to rock the boat too much. My roommate and he
are expected a baby (sometime this week), so they’re under a lot of
stress from that. Moreover, he does a bunch to fix things around the
house and keep it neat, since he doesn’t currently have a job, but
that doesn’t justify his using my shampoo. I also suspect that he is
responsible for throwing away two cans of my shaving cream. I like
nice body care products, so they’re not cheap to replace, especially
if I’m having to replace them with greater frequency. Do you have
any suggestions for how to fix this? I’m thinking about just moving
my toiletries out of the bathroom, but I feel that may be too
passive-aggressive.

Sincerely,

Receding Hair Product Line

Dear RHPL,

Again, this is an issue revolving around the simple establishment of boundaries. No, it is not ok to use people’s things without asking. And worse, if you are going to use someone’s things without asking and you finish them, the common law of housing says that you should buy the dude a new can of shaving cream or bottle of shampoo.

You sound like you are getting niceties confused. It is great that this guy is fixing your home, but like you said, his good deeds don’t just get to be traded out for bad deeds. It’s like saying because you always vacuum, you have a right to never doing your dishes. Unless this is some sort of household spoken or written agreement, there is no trading of chores for mooching.

I hear you wanting to tread softly, since the baby is a-coming, but I also think there is a difference between being polite and being a pushover. You have every right to gently ask that he buys his own hair products, kindly explaining that yours are important to you. Or, keeping them in your room works too. I don’t know that that is passive aggressive so much as proactive and self-protective.

Do what you need to do to clarify that your hygiene is serious business, and that you aren’t interested in sharing your supplies. You could say, “hey, could you replace my products when you finish them?” if you want to share, or, why not buy some shitty shampoo and give it to him with a smile? I doubt it will make anyone anxious enough for a premature delivery. Make a joke of it, whatever. Just remember that in your living space, no matter who is pregnant, or really, who is the impregnator, you have a right to your personal boundaries.

Monkey in the Middle

In Drama on December 8, 2009 at 5:07 pm

Dear Yenta,

My very close friend, Samantha, has been hooking
up with another good friend of mine, but he’s not in her close circle
of friendship. They only know each other through me. Unfortunately,
its starting to get awkward. We have big group dinner parties, and
they both attend, but do not talk to each other. After the dinner
party, they always end up going out together and having a wild night.
Everyone wants to materialize the relationship into something formal,
like “yes they are dating,” or “no, they are just f-buddies.”
It’s just weird because everyone knows, and my friend is starting to
have public anxiety over coming to events, she always asks if he will
be there and if so, do I think it will be awkward. It seems like she
wants me to be the mediator in their relationship. He now is more
likely to share intimate details of his life with me, because I am
close friends with Samantha. Its like he thinks we are the same
person. I feel like they are communicating through me. How should
I go about making this clear to them? It’s very complicated – she just
got out of a relationship and wants him to man up and ask her out, but
he is being very sensitive about how I would feel…and we never
hooked up or anything. She is too shy to take action. Should I take
action?

-Unintentional Threesome

Dear UT,

Oye. Get out of there.

First off, why does everyone at these dinner parties care if these two are dating or doing it or neither? Why do they need to define a pair’s status? And why do you need to be involved at all?

Boundaries, baby, boundaries. Tell Samantha and her said lover that you don’t want to be involved. That’s pretty simple and clear. Tell them both that the topic is off-limits and leave it at that. It sounds like they can take care of each other and will do so on their own clocks.

Are you, though, in love with Samantha’s beau? And better yet, is he in love with you? Is it possible he is just using your friend to have an excuse to be nearer to you? All this nonsense about “your” feelings about their dating seems contrived. Do you care, honestly, if they get together? Or do you just hate being the middle-woman?

If you are the medium for their immature relationship, also figure out how you got there. We choose our friends and relationships, and they didn’t just choose you as a moderator, you acquiesced. What are your feelings in all of this? You mention theirs a whole lot, and the awkwardness of the emotional tug of war, but what do you want? I doubt your dream was to be Samantha’s lover’s wet rag.

Samantha needs to own up to her own drama and you might want to find some drama of your own, the kind that doesn’t place you smack in the middle of another couple.