Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

Condoms & Oral Sex

In Health and Body, Sex on April 26, 2010 at 6:04 pm

Dear Yenta,

Is it true that I need to use a condom if I have casual oral sex? It seems stupid and not fun to suck on latex. What is my risk factor?

-Blowing on a Balloon

Protect that pout. Bloody oral sores are not so sexy. Photo courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II,

Dear BOAB,

What exactly does “casual” mean to you? Casually hanging out with your husband or wife on the couch while watching the Simpson’s? My guess is, no, presuming you are in a monogamous relationship with someone who is STD free. But if casual means doing it with a stranger in a subway janitor closet, or even someone you just met at a bar/party/football game, then yes, watch your mouth.

STD’s can hit you from all angles. It comes down to the mucus membranes in your mouth and the pre-cum, ejaculate, or vaginal fluids involved in oral sex that can penetrate those membranes. Combine the two, throw in a disease, and depending on the type, you got it, baby. For example, Gonorrhea and Herpes are easy to get in the mouth, and HIV too. For specifics on the whole array of STD’s and oral transmission, visit Yes, it is easier to get these through vaginal or anal sex, but that does not mean it is not possible to contract them in the mouth as well. For more, click here. suggests you “Look Before You Lick.” Check that area before you get your face all up in it, some signs show, like open sores, warts, funny colored discharge, etc. There is also the “wrap his penis in vinegar” method that should coax undetected warts beneath the skin into visibility. Then again, STD’s often show NO signs at all for six months, sometimes even years. Your best bet is to get tested and then go down.

And if patience is not your virtue: USE PROTECTION. If you can’t handle using a condom, at least do your damndest to avoid pre-cum, cum, and/or vaginal secretion. Again, this method is faulted. You may end up with open mouth sores. Period.

Dental dams are SMART. Use one. Or, some tips from on choosing a proper condom for oral sex:

1) Ixnay in the spermidice, it will taste like crap and numb out your tongue. Pregnancy, unlike STD’s, cannot be contracted from oral sex, so why bother killing the sperm?

2) Flavored condoms can be fun, but some are not actually going to protect you for shite. ALWAYS read the label first.

3) Those of you who read regularly know not to use oil-based food products with condoms. Oil and latex don’t mix. The oil causes the latex to disintegreate and ruins your preventative measure. Click here for a list of foods you can use with a condom that won’t ruin it.

4) Click here for tips on putting a condom on with your mouth to make the deed less difficult.

Yes, protecting yourself in this day and age can be exhausting. But truth be told, if you have the right attitude, even safe sex can be amazing, if not more so. Especially when you wake up without an itchy, scratchy, pus-filled wounded…GOOD LUCK!

Have a question? ASK YENTA! Write in to attn: merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

His Dry Orgasm

In Health and Body, Sex on April 15, 2010 at 1:42 pm

Dear Yenta,

This is awkward, but I am 28 and I don’t seem to be producing semen when I come. At all. Help?

-Dried Up

Stifler heads to the sperm bank.

Dear DU,

Again, a reminder/disclaimer: I am not a doctor. But I do have some mad Google skills and can help you with this one. What you are experiencing is called “Dry Orgasm.” According to, this condition is called “Azoospermia,” “the complete absence of ejaculate.” The Mayo Clinic explains that this is when “the semen goes into the bladder instead of out through the penis.” They say it is also called, “retrograde ejaculation.” Another good word for this, “anejaculation.”

In lieu of child-production and sperm, your lack of ejaculate could mean two things. Either 1) you are not producing any sperm at all or 2) you are producing sperm but it is mis-firing, ie, into the bladder or elsewhere.

What does this mean? You probably want to head to a doctor immediately. There is a chance you have a simple case of enlarged prostate, a valve issue, or some kind of blockage, but it could also be worse. There are a number of diseases and ailments ranging from cancer to a spinal chord injury that could be blocking your fluid flow. Diabetes is often connected to this issue.

Go to the doctor now, rather than later, because some of these issues can be remedied, upping your chances of a) thwarting the progression of a potential disease and b) possibly fixing the problem so you can, one day if you so choose, have babies.

For more details on examining and treating the issue, click here.

6 Years, Sexless Marriage

In Breakups/Divorce, Marriage, Sex on April 11, 2010 at 9:03 pm

According to the sages, marriage takes work. Photo courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II,


Is there anyway to fall back in love with your husband after 23 yrs of a roller coaster marriage? Would it better to move on and try to build a new life at 50. If I we’re to try and make it work, that’s assuming he still wants to get w me, how would I go about having sex with him again after 4-6 years?


Desperate for Directions

Dear DFD,

For you, I consulted two Rebbetzins, ie, the wives of good Rabbis. According to the first wise woman I asked, “I do think with a history of 23 years it is possible to fall back in love, its worth seeking help for this. Alone and single at 50 is not as simple as it sounds and the chance of meeting someone is not huge… I know too many women here who are still single at 60 and 70 etc and really regret it. I would say try every option first.”

As we discussed this dilemma we concurred that marriage counseling is in order. That, and upping the communication between husband and wife. Have you talked about your sex life openly with your husband in six years? Have you directly addressed the issues that are mushrooming between you? Communication builds intimacy; intimacy builds trust; trust builds safety; safety yields the possibility for wild sexual expression. Follow suit.

Later I contacted, where there are live people with great Jewish knowledge waiting online to help people with their questions. I asked the woman there about your dilemma and she immediately said, “I certainly DO believe people can fall in love again…though it takes work. There are many many good books and counselors who can help a couple rekindle what they believe is lost.” (See below for titles.)

“Would you agree?” she asked me. “Yes,” I answered. Adding my own two cents I went on, “I agree. But there is something sad to me about a woman who is beautiful, alive and intelligent trying to make it work with a man who might not be good for her. I have faith in marriage, and respect its sanctity, but also know that we die one day and only live once. So to invest a lifetime in making a dead relationship alive again could be a gamble.”

Together we decided that you need to remember why you married this man, remember what held you together on that roller coaster for 23 years. Yes, it sounds like you had dips and whirls and nausea and everything that goes with a ride, but it also sounds like there was a proper seat belt keeping you alive, close to someone in the seat next to you, and possibly, a thrill.

Or, you held on for the sake of the kids, or out of fear. Or, you married out of obligation, or ignorance, or need. Do you love him? Do you want it to work? Are you staying only because you fear starting over again? I ADORE the brave women I meet in their 50’s and 60’s who did the hard work of leaving a bad thing and finding themselves all over again. Why? Because leaving the man they were with for 30 years and starting over leaves them at a virtual age 28.

I know that women are strong and can endure things for the sake of holding a family and children together. I also know that women make mistakes in choosing partners. But 23 years is a long time. Six years is too. So before you quit, put your heart into this like a brave warrior and see what it yields. The woman at AskMoses reminded me that the Mishna teaches, “according to the toil is the reward.” “In other words,” she explained, “the effort she invests in her relationship will reward her as they can grow to feel intimate (emotionally and otherwise) once again.”

Places to seek help:

Find a marriage counselor, stat, to see what is keeping you from getting intimate with the man you once loved.

For a Jewish spin on marriage and working with it, check out Can This Marriage Be Saved? a blog hosted by This week’s feature is on what an empty nest does to a marriage.

I do wonder, do you have kids? One thing that happens as children age, is that couples can no longer deflect their issues into caring for their offspring. Once the kids become adults, the parents are left with each other again. In those years of child-rearing it can be easy to lose touch with one another, burying issues under soccer practices and birthday parties. Now you have to sweep up shop after all that production.

Also check out creepy but brilliant John Gray, author of Women are From Mars, Men are From Venus. His website has a whole arsenal of marriage-saving resources including Online Counseling, the How Do You Rate In The Bedroom Quiz, or the Monthly Romance Planner.

Or, check out the even creepier Surrendered Wife for marriage-saving ideas by Laura Doyle.

And finally… “As for her question on physical intimacy,” wrote the operator, “I think she can invite him for an evening of long overdue romance and do all the classic things, music, candles etc., to get things rekindled that way.”

Or, try reading Kim Catrall’s book, (although she did write it with her EX-husband) Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm

Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation 101

In Mental Health, Sex on March 29, 2010 at 9:32 pm

Dear Yenta,

I recently heard about autoerotic asphyxiation. If someone dies this way, is it suicide by masturbation? I am confused.


Creeped Out in Texas

You say potato, he says hanging can be delightful.


Dear COIT,

Also known as “The Breathless Orgasm,” erotic strangulation is a complicated method to orgasmic madness. In layman’s terms, this sexual practice involves restricting airflow either through a noose, a plastic mask, or any other number of methods in order to induce a type of hallucinogenic blissed-out state.

The pleasure-causing agent is hypoxyphilia, defined by as “facilitated by the lack of oxygen produced by self-strangulation or from being strangulated or asphyxiated by a sexual partner, up to, but not including, the loss of consciousness.”

Restricting airflow has been a means of inducing highly ecstatic and/or sexual states since the 1600’s. Breathwork is generally used as a religious and spiritual healing method, and used to calm the body and/or induce extreme pleasures. See Conscious Breathing: How Shamanic Breathwork Can Transform Your Life by Joy Manne. So it makes sense that this type of breath control/restriction induces something of a high, like being on the top of Mount Everest and heaving for air.

Auto-erotic asphyxiation, according to GoAskAlice, “is the practice of cutting off the blood supply to the brain through self-applied suffocation methods while masturbating.”

Asphyxiation, ie, cutting off breath, was used to cure erectile dysfunction back in the day. And when men die by hanging, they often die with an erection. This whole phenomenon is complex, and related to oxygen flow, blood flow, and perhaps the eroticization of death and dying. This, coupled with an orgasm, is supposed to provide complex and intense pleasure.

Obviously, when toying with breath restriction, there is the possibility of going too far. For example, see this explicit opening to Six Feet Under where a man dies when strangling himself with his belt to increase his self-pleasure. Or, check out this article in the UK Sun when a pop-star died of “unknown causes.” Doug did it too, on Weeds.

This is rarely a case of suicide, and more often than not, a case of a failed exit plan and freak accidents. Ie, when someone dies from poorly executing their sexual fetish. Most people who engage in this practice do so knowing they are toying with the possibility of death, and therefore make a point to have an emergency way out of their noose.

According to, “the individual is usually careful to use some kind of safety mechanism intended to prevent accidental death in the event of unconsciousness. In most cases hypoxyphilic deaths are a complete surprise to family and friends as the deceased was typically in a good mood and giving every indication that they were looking forward to the future.”

David Carradine died this way in 2009, read this article from FOX News for more details on his death by erotic strangulation.

The mechanism involved in this type of pleasure is classified as a mental illness in the DSM manual. I am not inclined to agree. Autoerotic Asphyxiation is considered a “paraphilia,” defined by Merriam-Webster as “a pattern of recurring sexually arousing mental imagery or behavior that involves unusual and especially socially unacceptable sexual practices (as sadism or pedophilia).” According to American medical practitioners it seems to be socially unacceptable to want to strangle oneself for the fun of it. As long as they don’t die, I hold off on all judgments.

For more detailed info, try reading:

The Breathless Orgasm: A Lovemap Biography of Asphyxiophilia
by John Money, Gordon Wainwright, David Hingsburger

Autoerotic Asphyxiation: Forensic, Medical, and Social Aspects
by Sergey Sheleg

She Wants To Sleep With Everyone

In Breakups/Divorce, Mental Health, Sex on March 18, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Desire can be a sign of positive bloodflow. Photograph courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II,

Dear Yenta,

I’ve been dating my best friend Taylor off and on for about two years now. It’s been really great and I love him so much. He’s helped me through my dad’s death in the past year and we are very close. Lately though I’ve started having feelings towards other people and being less interested when we are intimate. On top of that, I’ve stopped ignoring the feelings I’ve had for one of my good girl friends. She wrote me a letter and in it told me how she’s always felt about me.

She said in it that when she first met me that she knew there was something nerve-wracking and beautiful about me. I don’t know what to do because I think about her all the time and how wonderful it would be to be with her! I think about the way her eyes sparkle when she laughs and how she always looks perfect to me and I just have this desire to be with her, even though she thinks she is dorky. I don’t know if this is just a phase or not. Also, lately I’ve just been wanting to have sex a lot. With Taylor and with my other guy friends that are interested in me, or my ex boyfriends. It’s like I don’t even care anymore.

Am I morally obstructed for wanting to be with more than one person?

-Sweet Jewish Girl

Dear SJG,

You would only be morally obstructed if you were to act on all of your desires while feigning commitment to your boyfriend. There is no sin in entertaining thoughts. However, nine times out of ten, when you start thinking about sleeping with everyone around you more than about sleeping with your man, it is a sign that things between you aren’t right.

When people help us through hard times, it is hard to let them go. Your boyfriend, I have no doubt, is a wonderful man who made the pain of losing your father far less difficult. But just because someone was there when you needed them most does not mean you need to be with them forever. Relationships shift and it might be time to end the romantic element of this one.

According to Elisabeth Kübler Ross, there are 7 stages of grief. These are:

1) Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
2) Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
3) Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
4) Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
5) Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
6) Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
7) Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

You, I am guessing, are somewhere between the Testing and the Acceptance phases. It sounds like you have waxed and waned through the hard work of letting a parent go and are now ready to begin to come alive again.

You can still show your love and your friendship, but sticking around out of obligation or guilt is not what relationships are about. Your desire to sleep with your friend and to sleep with everyone else is just your body’s way of saying that it is time to move on. Get bad with your lesbian half. Find what makes you tick.

Sometimes, sadly, those people who help us through hard times also remind us of the suffering we experienced. It might be time to end your intimacy with your boyfriend because he holds a lot of the grief you just walked through, and now you need distance from those feelings. It isn’t fair, but it can be part of the process of mourning, moving on, and continuing to live a good life.

You only live that good life once, so be true to yourself. You can show your love and appreciation for your boyfriend without being his significant other. It is possible to end this era of the relationship, while expressing how important he was and is to you. For help, see these tips on gentle breakups from Figure out what you want and then go get it. Just be sure to be kind and gentle as you untie yourself from this guy: he sounds like someone who deserves it.

A Canadian girl at breakfast this morning also advises going out with a royal final hurrah. She suggests giving your man a threesome before dipping out. To each her own.

Penis Power w/ Alexyss K. Tylor

In Health and Body, Sex on March 16, 2010 at 2:09 pm

And now, a word from another…

Alexyss K. Tylor, author, lecturer, motivational, speaker, and television host is best known for her talks on Vagina Power.

Described as annoying and often hilarious, behind the facade she has plenty to teach us.

For her column at, click here. See below for a tutorial on Penis Power. Other video topics to browse: “Sperm Power,” “Spiritual Sexuality,” “Penis Addictions,” “A Man’s Life Force Is In His Nuts,” and many more.

Find Alexyss on Twitter under the name “Vagina Power.”

She Can’t Stop Masturbating

In Health and Body, Mental Health, Sex on March 15, 2010 at 6:06 pm

Enough is enough. (Ella vibrator/G-spot stimulator from

Dear Yenta,

I’m a woman in my late 20’s. I live alone & I have a boyfriend in another country. When I’m busy I watch porn. Sometimes one cum isn’t enough, I have to have 2 or 3 before I stop. Then, it’s 12 am and I haven’t even started what I have to do for the night. It’s affecting my sleep and my productivity. How can I still get my orgasmic needs taken care of while not cheating, or without completely wrecking my nights?

-Horny and Hating It

Dear HHI,

When your orgasms start interfering with your ability to accomplish basic tasks, then you know you have a problem. As much as I am a fan of sex and sexual exploration, open-minded self-loving and general sexual satisfaction, I think this is about way more than “orgasmic need.”

An orgasm can easily be confused with other emotions. When one needs a constant orgasmic release, this might have little to nothing to do with sex, and way more to do with an excess of energy in the body, most often nervous energy, that should be handled in ways far more satisfying than chronic masturbation. It sounds as if you are projecting your life’s anxiety onto your orgasm.

In a number of religious and spiritual practices there is a lot of attention placed on training, suppressing, or fine-tuning sexual energy. I know only a little about chakras, but it sounds to me like you might need yours balanced out. Instead of focusing on how to find the most mind-blowing orgasm, you may want to find other ways to calm your body and mind. Also, look into the emotions wrapped up in your porn addiction: what is it that you are using this practice to exit from? What is your sex practice connected or disconnected to?

Deep Breathing, Qigong, Meditation, Yoga, Acupuncture, Reiki, Acupressure, Reflexology, Running, Swimming, Dancing, Singing: these are all ways of either expelling or redirecting that groin region buzzing. You will probably then find that with slight masturbatory abstinence and a lot of OTHER physical activity, that every orgasm counts for more.

I.e., there are two ways of coming for a woman. (Probably like fifty to a million ways of coming, but here are two disparate examples.) One: you come, come again, come again and keep going for as long as you feel but never are present in your body, nervously triggering the musculature of your interior into a skittish “pleasure” frenzy. OR, Two: you come once, twice, three-five times, but the quantity does not matter. In those instances you are present in your body, experience every nuance of sensation because you are calm and coming to sex for the experience rather than the release.

This kind of orgasm is supreme. It will build and as it does, you will feel that steady increase in intensity. And then, the orgasm itself will be something you can feel not just with your vagina, but also with your feet, your arms, your heart, etc. Obviously this is not the case for everyone, but for you, this is the goal. Stop triggering your clit like a murderous gun and learn to be still with your body so that each orgasm individually satisfies you in a deeper, more comprehensive way.

All in all, my friend, you may simply be a sex/porn/masturbation addict. For help with this and more, try these resources.

Sex Addicts Anonymous

Or, you could try seeing a Sexologist, like this one in San Diego, to explore what you are projecting onto your orgasms.

Another avenue, Tantric Coaching.

Or, try this stellar option. It is a CD of subliminal sound training meant to hipnotize you out of your sexual hunger.

Is Semen Vegan?

In Health and Body, Sex on March 4, 2010 at 10:45 pm

For a vegan, the thought of 40-600 million of those bad boys sliding down their throat might not be a turn on.


I am newly a dedicated Vegan. I loved, I mean LOVED, giving head, but suddenly feel a new gag reflex coming on when I think about it. Can I swallow the products of a human body without morally violating my vegan code?



Dear Milk-Free,

First, a definition. Vegan, according to “A vegan (pronounced VEE-gun) is someone who, for various reasons, chooses to avoid using or consuming animal products. While vegetarians choose not to use flesh foods, vegans also avoid dairy and eggs, as well as fur, leather, wool, down, and cosmetics or chemical products tested on animals.” Why? They say it is because it is an integral component of a cruelty-free lifestyle.

There is a forum on Chuck Palahniuk’s website asking “Do Vegans Swallow Semen?” One guy says, “This is more like…I don’t know…licking the spoon after mixing cake batter? It is, after all, human milk.” One vegan writes, “I look at it the same way as eggs, cheese, milk, butter, and so on and so forth. If you eat those then semen shouldn’t be wrong, otherwise it is. Vegans don’t eat animal byproducts either, semen is produced from men as all those are made from cows.” And still a third, “the guy is giving his semen (I assume) WILLINGLY whereas most vegetarians/vegans would agree that the cows sure as heck aren’t.”

Ok! So when it comes to veganism and semen consumption, it boils down to the vegan’s intention. If you are adhering to this food law based on a desire not to consume any product of human or animal, then yes, giving head is newly un-kosher. This, however, also bans kissing. I.e., saliva and semen are no different in terms of both being human (animal) fluids.

But it is my understanding that most vegans choose the lifestyle based on a desire to bypass animal cruelty. For example, as said in the Washington Post segment, “Modern Meat, A Brutal Harvest,” “hogs, unlike cattle, are dunked in tanks of hot water after they are stunned to soften hides for skinning. As a result, a botched slaughter condemns some hogs to being scalded and drowned.”

So. A few scenarios: Because giving head is not, in most cases, an act of cruelty, (unless, perhaps, scalding water is involved) and because no life is harmed in the act, then the product of a blow job should be vegan. Now, if your lover suddenly starts eating large quantities of pork, squid, veal, etc and then you go down on them, the content of their body no longer aligns with vegan law. I.e., if those pigs were put in captivity and raised as bacon, it don’t float with the vegans.

You are, in this case, what you eat. As one slightly gruesome person wrote in to an online discussion of vegan semen, “I would say NO because they would not put the (meat) in their mouth it the first place.” Another person argued that humans swallow their own “spittle” all the time, so would that make us cannibals?

Now, if you give head to people to torture them, or going down is an act of rape, then the ejaculate is no longer vegan. I.e., that is in violation of the preservation of life/no-cruelty to animals bit. Consent alters the morality of semen consumption.

A note on the content of semen: Semen contains citric acid, free amino acids, fructose, enzymes, phosphorylcholine, prostaglandin, potassium, and zinc. One amount of ejaculate may contain between 40 million to 600 million sperm depending on the volume and the length of time stored before ejaculating. Now, that means that 40-600 million live organisms go swimming down your throat. That being said, regardless of the high protein and zinc in semen, in lieu of veganism, that is consuming, like, a whole lot of itty-bitty lives.

All in all, this is what it boils down to:

1) No semen for a vegan who doesn’t eat animal products for the sake of not eating animal products.
2) No semen for a vegan if the semen-producer is a meat/animal-product eater.
3) No semen for a vegan if the semen is a product of rape.

And finally, in the words of Tom Regan, PhD, as quoted in’s “Why Vegan, Boycott Cruelty!” pamphlet, “I think everybody has that capacity to stop and think and say, ‘If I knew you, I wouldn’t eat you.’”

Happy frolicking.

Addendum: This just in via Facebook: “a single cell protein ….. means NOT vegan! So sorry … I love giving head as well! Not Vegan! Sucks.” Thank you, Ma’am.

If The Bachelor Had a Shrink

In Drama, Sex on March 2, 2010 at 3:47 am


If I could pause this absurd show that has sucked two hours of my Mondays for weeks now, I would. I would pause the show, send a trained professional to step onto those boats, put a towel on those naked girls, and witness a talking to with both parties involved. Yes, there should be an arsenal of therapists to walk these men and women through the darkness of their shoddy stabs towards intimacy.

Vienna, I fear, will cheat on the Bachelor and leave him, down the road, with a patchwork of a heart. Tenley, I fear, is insane and should probably be mourning somewhere with some tea rather than attempting to fall in love on national television. Note to self: never date anyone obsessed with former broken heart. Also, beware of anyone who does interpretive dance on a third date.

A few moments I would like to pause.

1) Vienna Meets the Fam
Dear Lord, if you ever take a woman home and she has the manners of a backwoods sixteen year-old girl, possibly on coke, then walk away. Yes, veneers are only veneers, but those moments can indicate a strong lack of class, further reflected in fugly tattoo choices.

2) Bachelor on boat with Tenley.
Bachelor: “I don’t feel crazy passion for you physically. When I met you, I felt something so deep I had never felt it before.” Mofo, you are describing something specifically called “intimacy.” He says the emotions are so intense but the connection is awkward. Isn’t that what happens sometimes, for those who haven’t gotten truly intimate in their lives?

Edging closer to the core of a heart and soul can wreak complete havoc. It can show you all your parts, the good the bad and the ugly. Think weird first kiss, think Lili Taylor’s sex scene in Dogfight. Nearing the emotional edge, nearing real love: this forces real self-awareness, real 20/20 vision to all flaws and, almost harder to stomach, all goodness. It yields, in some cases, awkward vulnerable sexy time.

3) MMM…I Love Rubbing Mud on Vienna
Really, Mr. Pilot, who wouldn’t? She is fun, she is curvy, and she is in love with you. But when a woman says she found herself when she found you, that is called creepy codependence. Step back. Quick. I foresee spastic phone calls, jealous fears, and a lot of infidelity.

And then this weird romantic chunk comes rearing through all my judgments and I wonder if Jake is meant to be with this low-class faux blonde. I also, though, wonder if he couldn’t handle real love, couldn’t handle real happily ever after. This dude loved that someone like Vienna, so hip and so hot, could love a dweeb like him.

The key phrase for me was when he said to Tenley, “I have never felt anything like this deep emotional connection.” Maybe she was a disaster, or wrong for him, but I like, in my non-Bachelor real-life vision of love off the camera, to have faith more in the deep stirrings of the soul than in the extreme heat between the sheets. I like the idea of both at once, but who knows what happens with a love so pure, a Tenley and Vienna sandwich could cause spontaneous combustion: like getting too close to the holy grounds.

The moral of this trashy story: sex can lead to marriage, love can be wasted, men can be naive, and never trust anyone you meet in a vacuum on national television to remain as such for life. Thank goodness this month’s smutty TV addiction has come to a close.

Wet And Messy On A Diet

In Health and Body, Sex on February 26, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Swap Ragu for pig's blood and Carrie becomes a splosher's dreamwoman.

Dear Yenta,

I love sploshing, but tend to gain weight. What are some low-cal but squishy options?

-Saucy Mess

Dear Saucy Mess,

I needed to get educated for this one. Sploshing, for those of you who don’t know, is “the act of placing food on another person, and usually eating it off of them, for pleasure. A full-bodied food fetish,” according to

So, if you are thinking, “Oh, I get it, whipped cream!” Think again. This is more like pouring sloppy joe all over someone to garner a slight toddler-esque mess spilled on an adult naked body. This is like sexual food sport.

Another definition from UrbanDictionary: “A sexual/sensual food exchange, in which at least one person covers another person in foods of different tastes, textures, and temperatures. Eating the food off said person is optional. It is common practice for the “sploshee” to be nude so as to heighten the feeling of the food on their bare skin. The “splosher” can be nude or clothed based on preference.”

Apparently there are whole communities of “sploshers” and a big pornographic web presence of women who soil themselves with mud and real home-cooking. Another way to identify a sploshing community is through the term “Wet and Messy” or “WAM.” A few sites, for those of you over 18 and not afraid of dirt, grime, slime and spaghetti-O’s: The Ultimate Messy Directory or Also, check out this article from the UK Mirror, written on Valentine’s Day for the romantic.

I don’t splosh, but I do know food. So, here is a list of foods that won’t make you fat if you are a regular splosher. One splosher recommends, “cheeses and organ meats; they can be very fragrant, and quite healthful.” When choosing your foods look at texture, temperature, scent and taste to enhance sensation. Remember, everything in moderation. Too much guacamole might yield weight gain. Also, tailor this list to your own diet needs, ie, Atkin’s, vegan, South Beach etc. Happy squishy sploshing.

Apple Butter
Scrambled Tofu
Baked Beans
Chili Black Bean
Soy Sloppy Joes
Mu Shu Vegetables
Won Ton Soup
Stuffed Bell Peppers
Fruit Salad
Green Split Peas
Fat-free Pudding
Sautéed Mushrooms
Steamed Artichokes
Whey protein shake
Sweet Potato Puree
Olive Oil
Cottage Cheese
Lentil Soup
Miso Soup
Brown Rice
Palak Paneer
Banana Squished
Sugar-free Jello
Pineapple Puree
Tuna Salad