Advice Recall:

Annie’s Mailbox®, by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, December 15, The Santa Fe New Mexican

Dear Annie: I am a 24-year-old female and a virgin, not because of any moral objections, but because I have had a hormone deficiency since I hit puberty.

Dear Minnesota: You are young enough that your status is not an issue. Many women your age and older are still virgins. More importantly, we guarantee men are not bothered by this, and in some instances, it will have the opposite effect. Most men like to believe they are your first. If you become intimate, it’s OK to say you don’t have prior experience. The guy will take it from there.

Take Two:

Dear 24 Year-Old Virgin:

Virgin “Status” is NEVER a true problem. And “The guy will take it from there…” this is the reason why so many marriages end in premature divorce.

You never know what you will get with a lover. Some are sensitive to sexual needs, and insensitive on the surface. Some are sensitive on the surface, and insensitive in bed. Some are sensitive overall and lacking sexual knowledge.

Take it from “there” before the guy does so for you. You never know what kind of man you have on your plate. If he knows a lot about pleasing a woman, then you will end up in good hands. Don’t run the risk of sexual dissatisfaction: be proactive.

My advice to you is not to ever feel ashamed about your virginity. When and if you do decide to grace a partner with your body, I wish you good and open communication. Whether you lose your virginity at 14 or 40, it is your ability to communicate your needs, and the receptivity of your lover that might make or break the experience. So yes, tell him the truth.

You can practice communication in line at the supermarket. “Hand me a plastic bag, please?” It can be cultivated over time. There is no rush. When the time is right I hope your virginity turns YOU on, and that losing it is as fulfilling as chastity.

In regards to Summed Up By His Size, one “Ben M” writes:

Re: “A well-trained woman can come without even being touched”

Isn’t this oversimplifying things? Some women have trouble O’ing because of psychological and biological issues. I heard 30% can’t orgasm at all, let alone without being touched.

Yenta replies:

Thanks for your comment. I don’t think this is oversimplification, just blind faith in the female body and its ability to reconnect with itself, no matter the hormonal or psychological explanation for orgasm blockage. Despite what modern medicine tells us, women have a profound ability to heal.

Addendum:

Contrary to popular belief, regardless of the many factors cited for a woman’s inability to orgasm, I believe that with the right help every woman can come. This might mean needing psychiatric attention around emotional issues related to sexual abuse, religious shame, or any number of other issues related to the mind and body. It might involve getting in touch with a body that was underattended for years, or learning about her own parts. This could involve giving oneself permission to feel pleasure, or finding a trusting partner.

Citing the possibility that some women can come without touch is to raise the bar on a woman’s expectations for pleasure. Medical rationale for a life without orgasm often sells women short, way before they begin teaching their body and training the muscles involved in orgasming. For some it takes time, patience, and practice.

I give every woman a 100% guarantee that she IS capable of achieving orgasm. It is a lot like learning yoga. No, not everyone can do a headstand on the first try, or even sit cross-legged for that matter. But through training the mind, strengthening certain muscles and learning about the body these positions are eventually possible.

E-mail me with the parameters of your problem, and I will do my damnedest to solve it.

Dear Yenta,

I recently started seeing a very nice man. He is sweet, kind, has a
job, and is wonderful with my child. We get along really well and have
a great time when we are together, but there is a problem. He has a
very small penis. When I say small, you must understand that it is so
small that I can not feel it inside of me. I am not even sure it was
inside me. This is not an issue for me because I can not reach orgasm
through intercourse, only oral, but it is an issue because I feel like
faking it during sex is a lie, and I want to be as honest as I can
with this man.

-Little Bits

Dear Little Bits,

I don’t understand? What, exactly, are you not faking? Sex is way more interesting, complex and expansive than how you are viewing it.

I believe Samantha coped with the same exact problem on Sex and the City when she was sure she had finally met the man of her dreams. She ended up leaving him, devastated.

But this is real life and you are not Samantha. Some might tell you to skip town on this man and his tiny package, but I don’t believe in quitting without putting up a solid fight.

This being said, when a man puts a finger inside of you, do you feel it? Probably. So this man’s thing is detectable. There are plusses and minuses to every penis size. Some people are never satisfied, it is always too big, too small, too thick. What is important is a) that you like this guy and b) that you attempt to learn to love his parts.

This is a great opportunity for slower more sensual moves on your end. Or even speedy, but the key is noting the nuance of sensation. Rather than focusing on your attachment to the last giant you screwed, focus instead on your own nerve endings, making a point to feel any and everything so that when the edge of this man even brushes your insides, it makes you insane.

A few other tricks: try a vibrating cock ring ($12-$79), although note this warning. Also try new positions, for example, one woman suggests to try it with your legs squeezed shut, and be patient, your body will readjust to his size over time. For more positions and ideas on making love to a smaller man, click here.

In fact, this dude is the perfect opportunity for you to exercise those kegels and get to learning how to train your vaginal walls to come from intercourse alone. I believe Freud refers to this as the true maturity of a woman. Although, he was mostly offensive and sexist.

It is lazy lovemaking to depend on the man’s size for satisfaction. A well-trained woman can come without even being touched, a shaft simply a bonus prize. In fact, it is almost rude to give up because of some preconceived notion that size is the only byway to pleasure. Pleasure comes in all shapes and packages and it is up to every single individual to learn to grow per partner.

Dear Yenta,

Recently I started sleeping with my professional dance partner. The sexual chemistry is incredible and I am really enjoying myself. The only problem, I feel twinges of guilt and indignity for letting go so wildly.

What advice do you have for a young woman exploring her sexuality and loving it, but simultaneously feeling like if many of the people close to her knew what she was doing, she would be shamed?

Thanks, Yenta!

Horizontal

Dear Horizontal,

One nice thing about sex, for most people, is that it happens in private. The intimacy of the practice has a purpose in and of itself: sex is between you and your partner(s). Are you hurting your lover in a way that is damaging to his or her health? Are they damaging you? It sounds pretty innocent to me, lovemaking with a trusted partner.

Who are these people that might “shame” you? Are they friends and family and do they share your beliefs and outlooks in life? Are they bound by religious or communal doctrine that might suggest that expressing your feelings for a dear one physically is sinful? Be sure their shame is theirs, and not yours. If their beliefs penetrate your private affairs, it is up to you to build a stronger interior.

The other question is whether you are imagining and projecting their shame because in fact you feel dirty for your own behavior. Sometimes shame comes up as a way to limit oneself. It can be a way of expressing fear or doubt at deserving such sweet things in life. For example: you find a hot and sensitive sex partner and wonder if you deserve such pleasure, and quickly smear the experience in shame so as to limit your enjoyment.

Check in with yourself and make sure you are enjoying this new physical step in your relationship. Do you feel safe? Cared for? Loved? Do you need there to be love, or can you enjoy sex without it? And does this kind of no strings attached sex make you feel good, or are you someone who needs more commitment? Explore your sexuality but do so on YOUR terms. The judgmental puritans in the rafters can worry about their own orgasms.

Dear Yenta:

I recently started seeing a man who has a repertoire of “fetish”
delights. He likes toes, he likes big booty ho’s and he also likes
to lick brown eye hole. I am of course conflicted. While I try to
judge no one for the way the world delights them, I find a strange
blend of pure joy and pleasure from his escapades “back there,” as
well as a subtle form of judgment about his predilection. I mean,
who actually likes to stick their face in ass? It makes me suspect of
him as a person which is a bit judgmental really. And besides, it’s
not unheard of. But I question his psychology too – like is he into
being HUMILIATED? or is this just the trick that makes his stick tick?
Help Yenta!

-Bootylicious

Dear Bootylicious,

The truth is, LOTS of people enjoy this practice in a million forms. “Fingers in the ass again,” is how The Notorious B. I.G. referenced it in his song “Get your grind on.”

When I was in high school someone once told a nasty hurtful rumor about me and this practice, which I certainly had not engaged in at 16. The reason it was nasty was because of the outward associations we have with this part of the body. The rumor was meant to degrade me so I see where you are coming from with your trepidation.

In reality, though, annilingus is a common practice among sexually active adults for a simple reason: it covers an erogenous zone full of millions of sensitive nerve endings that provoke intense pleasure. See www.whitelotuseast.com for a tutorial.

Your partner may simply be excited about entering this taboo space, not associating it with defilement as you might. In addition, he might be elated at the idea of pleasuring you, which is not such a sin.

Generally, like you said, it is best not to judge or emotionally assess people’s sexual needs. A healthy sex life can look a million ways, and sexual behavior does not always correlate to surface emotions. But, that is not to say that you don’t have a right to your own discomfort. Is this someone you are both emotionally and physically intimate with? Is there space for a conversation between sexual acts? It is possible you need to hear him out as to why he loves doing this.

Also, you might want to revisit your own relationship with your rear. Why would wanting to kiss you there be something humiliating for a man? Your vagina floods with blood every month, and I don’t know if human waste is so repulsive when puritan attitudes are ditched. And what about this practice reflects his psyche? I wonder if you like or respect the man to begin with. It is possible that he repulses you, and you are projecting all that repulsion on what he is doing to your body.

Ultimately, communication is key in bed. Communication and some feeling of trust, either long-established or gutteral. Either way, your own view of your own body and the things done to it, knowing your pleasures and repulsions, will keep you from asking too many questions about the sanity of your partner. Knowing your own limits in bed takes a lot of stress away from awkward tongue-tickling moments. I recommend Aphrodite’s Daughters : Women’s Sexual Stories and the Journey of the Soul by Jalaja Bonheim as a way to start cultivating your bedroom self-image. Also, this odd site: www.sexwithoutshame.com.

The Sex Workers’ Art Show is a fantastic performance venue for those looking to bust out of their sexual shell. Spoken word, short stories, skits and poetry on stage from real live Sex Workers who know a thing or two about the psychology of the bedroom.

This March they are doing a Southern tour.
Click here for a schedule and click here for a bio of the performers.

Dear Yenta,

I still have not had an orgasm. I feel pressure mounting in my genitals, and then it always subsides. I have tried masturbating and have had sex with many men. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in a very long time, though. I am pretty sure there is something medically wrong with my hormones and want to get tested. What do you think?

-Without

Dear Without,

In my personal opinion an orgasm is always possible, it just might take some personal work to achieve. Doctors would be my very last resort. When obstruction occurs, it can be due to a number of physical and emotional factors. More women than you realize are sexually stunted in this very same way.

Here is a step by step plan:

1) Do an inventory of your mental self. Are you stressed? Were you raised to think sex was sinful? Do you have control issues? Were you sexually abused in your life? Were you in a traumatic situation where you lost physical control? Any number of these things could be distracting you from release. Sometimes our bodies tell us no as a signal that we need help or healing. Talk therapy or meditation could help, exploring the topic of letting go and what is so often terrifying about doing so.

2) How do you feel about your body? Do you feel fat? Hairy? Stalky? Ugly? Too much? Too little? Are you too loud? Too sweaty? One time at a bar in Panama a Canadian woman took my aside and asked if I had ever made love to myself, “like really made love to yourself?” This connection to self and body is the key to enjoying sex with another, and if you can’t let go alone, can’t love your thighs or breasts or vagina without a partner, then chances are you won’t be able to with them either. Make love to yourself. Kiss your arm. Stare at your genitals, tell all those things that you think are “too” something that they are just right. Cultivating a healthy sex life is something that for many needs to be built, like a yoga practice, over years of observation and commitment.

3) Trust. Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your partner? If you aren’t in serious relationships, who is making love to your body? Do you feel safe with them? Sexy with them? Respected by them? This deeper emotional comfort may be key to orgasms for many women. Others need things like a moving train or a public restroom and a stranger. But in your case, it sounds like you need love, trust, and safety: key ingredients to a wild sex life full of orgasmic release.

4) Keep at it. Leave the bedroom locked and make self-love a priority for a few months. Forget the orgasm, explore the folds of your labia, the underside of your clitoris, the edges of your aeriola. You need to become calm in your own body, enter your own form, learn to love pleasure without release. Find your G-spot, play with your rear, check in with armpits and elbows. Make love to your body as if a spiritual practice and see where this leads you. If, over time, you start to feel safer in your skin, you might allow it to erupt and take charge in its own explosive orgasmic way.